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50 Shades of Grey Chapter 2 - 50 Shades of Smile

Chapter 2 In Brief

Woman sells items to a man.

Chapter 2 - My View

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Chapter 1 wasn't so bad. Nothing to worry about so far. In fact, nothing really happened at all. A woman went into a room, chatted to a man for a bit and then left. This wasn't what I was expecting. The closest we've got to any action is when Christian 'cocks' his head.

Chapter 2 finds Ana getting into a bit of a tizzy because she's met a man. I get the feeling that Ana doesn't meet many men. In her giddy excitement she practically falls out of the building, like a rogue Slinky and drives the 165 miles, thinking about her encounter for pretty much the whole journey.

She gets back to her apartment and is greeted by Kate exclaiming 'Ana!' Remember...Kate has the flu. She should not be in any fit state to exclaim things. When I'm ill (and when I say ill, I mean the sniffles) the most enthusiastic greeting I can manage is 'UUHHHRRRRGGGRRRGGR LEMSIP UUHHUGRGRRR.'

This leads me to believe that Kate is absolutely fine and actually just has some sort of STD. Here is my brief and poorly constructed argument for this. Firstly, there are a few blow-job references surrounding Kate. Not only did she 'blow this off' in Chapter 1, she is now expecting a 'blow-by-blow' account in Chapter 2. Secondly, she is too perky to be properly ill. She might be feeling a bit low, but if she's got the flu she won't want to acknowledge Ana's existence, let alone have a full conversation. Thirdly, she's wearing her 'breaking up with boyfriends' pajamas. I'm sure the pajamas aren't specifically for break-ups and could feasibly be worn as a result of sucking off a random and getting herpes or something. Basically, we've learnt that Kate is a slag who noshes off anything that moves.

Before she can get too much info about Monkey Adonis, Ana pops off to work. She works in a hardware store stacking shelves, a job she finds 'absorbing.' Quite a homely job for a girl to do. I don't want to go making assumptions or sweeping statements, but I can't imagine that a hardware store is a particularly feminine environment. She probably has to wear dungarees or overalls to go to work, and I imagine that after work she goes to the pub to drink a pint of bitter. Y' of those girls. I worked as a shelf-stacker in Boots for about a year. My official title was 'Operations Assistant.' From the sounds of things, Ana isn't quite at my level yet, but she is probably a better employee than I was. There is no mention of Ana hiding from her boss in the storeroom or telling everyone that the bearded guy behind the photographic counter looks a bit like a paedo.

Over the next few days Kate gets better and starts writing up the article, telling Ana that she did a great job despite blustering her way through simple questions and being generally rude to Christian. Interestingly, at no point does Ana ask why Kate couldn't have got one of her journalist friends to do the interview. Kate then spends an infinite number of pages asking Ana about Christian. Her questioning basically boils down to 'You fucking love him don't you?' but rather than getting to the point like a good journalist, she bores everyone with a never ending list of tedious questions.

We also learn the reason for the 'are you gay?' question. Kate explains that it's because he's never seen with a date. That obviously makes him gay because as we all know, gay people NEVER go on dates. I'm not entirely sure, but I think that dating is forbidden in the gay community.

Feeling awkward, Ana starts reading Tess of the D'Urbervilles. I've not read it, but I do have access to Wikipedia so I can pretend to be an expert on everything. From what I gather (and correct me if I'm wrong) it's a about a woman who has 2 main relationships, 1 with a guy who wants to control her and 1 with a guy who actually loves her. In the end the controlling one dies.

**START OF BOLD PREDICTION** So...I think that Tess of the D'Urbervilles is closely related to this book. Rather than 2 guys, there is just 1 guy (Christian) in 50 Shades, but he has characteristics of both men from Tess. I think we'll find out that Grey is controlling AND loving but Ana has to 'kill' one of the sides to him. in order to be with him. **END OF BOLD PREDICTION**

For the rest of the week nothing much happens apart from a phonecall from Ana's Mom who's name is 'Mom.' She's on her 3rd marriage and wants Ana to find a guy...or 3 guys...or whatever...

On Friday night, not much is going on. Luckily, José turns up with a bottle of PARTY!! That's actually not true...he just brings 1 bottle of champagne and he tells them about a gallery that is showing his photos. José can go away. He's annoying. He seemed quite sassy to begin with, rocking up with booze and twinkly eyes...but it turns out he's just got a crush on Ana and is probably trying to get her drunk. Back to Mexico with you José.

The day after and Ana is back at work, having the time of her life at the hardware store. Next thing you know, CHRISTIAN GREY IS THERE!! WHERE THE FUCK HAS HE COME FROM?? HE'S DRIVEN 165 MILES!! IS HE MENTAL??

The rest of the chapter is taken up with Christian Grey's shopping trip. It seem as if he's getting hard looking at the wares. He buys cable ties, tape, rope and overalls. What can he possibly be up to? I can't think of a single DIY job that would involve all of those ite...OOOHHHHHHH....Ana, you are going to get it.

Once again there are a few mentions of his long fingers, specifically his index finger. It now seems as if Christian is E.T, the only difference being that Christian does not have a face like a scrotum.
E.T: You know what they say about a man with long fingers...
We learn a few other things about Christian. Firstly, he has a truly ridiculous amount of smiles including a 'ghost of a smile,' an 'oh-so-secret smile' and sometimes he smiles 'like he's privy to a dark secret.' This makes it sound like he's constantly doing silent-but-deadly farts. He is absolute filth.

As well as his wide range of smiles, he also has a very specific voice. It's like 'dark melted chocolate fudge caramel.' Those are E L James words. That description is written by someone who doesn't fuck about when it comes to chocolate. She knows what she likes and can compare a man's voice to chocolate in tedious detail. If I had to compare my voice to chocolate it would probably be white chocolate. White chocolate is an acquired taste which you can tolerate for a bit, but if you have too much it can leave you feeling physically sick. What chocolate would you compare your voice to?

Whilst walking around the shop getting flustered, Ana mentions that Kate would really like a photo of Christian for her article. Sensing an opportunity, Christian gives Ana his business card but neglects to mention that despite his wealth, he got 250 cards for free from Vistaprint. He tells Ana to call him before 10am the next day.

We leave Ana admitting that she rather likes Christian and that she needs to sort out a photographer so that she can go and help Christian with bumming putting up some shelves. 

This chapter seemed really long. It was only about 15 pages. Doesn't bode well...

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  1. Hilarious!!! Can't wait for future installments!

  2. This is absolute quality content in reference to 50 Shades! Thank you for the laugh! Looking forward to your future posts! :o)

    1. Thanks for reading! I think it's going to be a bit of a battle to read the whole book, but I will do my best to struggle through!

  3. Lmao this is epic!

  4. My voice is like a Toffee Penny. It hurts the teeth.

  5. You appear to have lost the will to continue. This is disappointing, as the first two critiques are hilarious, but it would also seem it has probably saved your sanity. Or is that the problem? Exposure (not a euphamism) to the first two chapters was so deeply traumatic your mind has snapped?

    1. Scratch that. Just realised I am being somewhat dense, and simply not expanding the index. So glad I can continue reading your researches.

  6. omg that is amazing cant wait to read more aint stopped laughing yet

  7. "who's" is not the same as "whose". Grammar check!

    1.'re not the first person to pick up on this...and you won't be the last! As this is the first piece of writing I've done, I am sure that this blog would make an English teacher weep.

  8. "Back to Mexico with you Jose"
    - Love it!

  9. As a woman who is obsessed and in love w the books, I am loving this! You're hilarious!

    1. Thank you! I know that some people can get very funny about the books and think that I'm being mean about them for no thank you for having a sense of humour!

  10. classic love this ive read all the books and u have shown some light in a different view awesome cant wait to read the rest!!!!

    1. Would I hate the other 2 books just as much? At the moment I'm only planning on writing about the first book so the end is nearly in sight for me!

    2. you must read the other 2 books would love to read your views on them

  11. Never thought of E.T's face like a scrotum haha !!!

  12. Another brilliant review although I may have to stop reading now as my bladder control is not that great and I just bought new outdoor furniture. OK my critique of your critique is as follows (just because no one this funny should be allowed to get away with it). First, Kate had the flu, she is not a man, she did not have man-flu, nough said! Second, the man drives an Audi R8, I think I made my point in my previous reply. Something about stroking gear sticks, revving his engine, going the distance.... Third, and call me shallow, but the guy is fucking billionaire - could care less about the genetic predisposition of his face looking like a scrotum as result of overly extended digits, proclivity for cable ties and calorie bearing vocal tones. Show me the money!!! BTW I might be 80% dark - fundamentally bitter, unpalatable on its own and only really any good for cooking.

  13. "We also learn the reason for the 'are you gay?' question. Kate explains that it's because he's never seen with a date. That obviously makes him gay because as we all know, gay people NEVER go on dates. I'm not entirely sure, but I think that dating is forbidden in the gay community."
    Hahaha, I really loved that part! Please, don't stop with this, this is just amazing!


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