Skip to main content

50 Shades of Grey Chapter 4 - 50 Shades of Vomit

Join me on Twitter! - www.twitter.com/50ShadesDave

So before I start pulling Chapter 4 apart, I just wanted to say a massive thank you to everyone who has read and shared this blog so far. It's great to know that people are reading and enjoying what I'm writing. People I've never met have been in touch, telling me that they're liking the blog and people I've not seen for years have been sharing it with their friends. It's all quite humbling, especially considering I thought that this would only really be read by a handful of people. If you've read it or told anyone about it, THANK YOU!! Please continue to spread the word if you like what you read.


Also, feel free to get in touch. It's good to hear what other people's thoughts are. Hopefully I can get to the end of the book without wanting to punch myself in the face. Although...I've read Chapter 4 and it did want to make me self-harm... 

I've just realised that 50 Shades has 26 chapters. Reading this book is literally a marathon. This means that around Chapter 13 I will be really struggling and vomiting blood.


Chapter 4 In Brief 

Woman gets drunk 

Chapter 4 - My View 

Last time we were with Ana, she was making kissy faces at Christian. She's doing the exact same thing at the start of Chapter 4. You can tell that she's not particularly experienced with guys because she has essentially done nothing but make a duckface at a man for about 5 minutes. During this time she's not been breathing either, like a petulant infant holding her breath until she gets her own way. Faced with this motionless duckfaced girl who is rapidly changing colour, from red to blue to dead, Christian tells her that she's fucking mental, but in a much kinder way than I have just described.

Ana cannot believe that he hasn't kissed her because she made it pretty obvious that she wanted to be kissed. Let's be honest, would you kiss this?
http://cache.ohinternet.com/images/3/34/Duckface-douchbag.jpg
 Duckface: kiss me? Kiss. Me. FUCKINGKISSME!!
Feeling unfairly rejected, Ana leaves. Christian's parting words are 'Good luck with your exams,' making it seem as if he's dating a 13 year old. As she turns to leave, he pings her bra strap and runs away giggling.

Ana then goes to an underground parking garage for a cry. I don't know about you, but I find that a large echoey garage is a perfect location to quietly feel sorry for yourself, with the sounds of your sobs reverberating off the walls. I imagine that people going to pick their cars up would think that someone has a very unique car alarm. While crying, we also find out that Ana is rubbish at sport. You can add this to the list of things that Ana is no good at, such as standing up, kissing, holding hands and having a conversation.

After pulling herself together, Ana heads home to be patronised by Kate who calls her a 'total babe.' From what we know about Ana, it's clear that she is many things...but she is NOT a total babe, unless she goes through some sort of 'She's All That' transformation. Aware of the awkward situation that she's created, Kate shows Ana the article that she's written about Christian. Based upon the interview, I imagine that the article is something along the lines of:

'Christian Grey is a very successful man. He could probably buy you if he wanted to. He likes manufacturing and farming technologies. He is definitely NOT gay. Ummm...errr...did I mention that he likes manufacturing?'

Ana finds Kate's article boring to the point that she's about to fall into a coma, so she excuses herself and goes to bed. Here she wonders if Grey is celibate. WHAT?? The woman who has never been touched is basically saying that Christian is frigid. I'm sure she'll tell that to everyone on the playground tomorrow, before one of the bigger girls gives her a Chinese Burn. Ana then dreams about her day in meticulous detail. I don't know about you, but if I dream about my day, it it usually interrupted by a shark with machine gun arms or something. Ana is different to you and me, her dreams are very literal and are probably narrated by Lorraine Kelly (for overseas readers, just imagine someone off the telly who is a bit frumpy.)

The next day Ana smiles after finishing her final exam. Having never held hands or been kissed, I think it's fair to imagine that this is the first time that Ana has ever smiled. For her first attempt, she unleashes a 'Cheshire Cat Grin.' I'm no smile connoisseur, but that is a tricky manoeuvre to pull off. Following the smile, we can now add another entry to the ever-growing list of things that Ana has never done. She has never been drunk. Yup, that's right. She's a University student and she has NEVER been drunk. We really are dealing with an empty husk of a person here.

Upon getting back to the apartement, there is a package waiting for Ana. Inside is a first edition of Tess of the D'Urbervilles and a note from Christian, telling her that he knows women believe everything that they read. He might as well have put a note in Comic Sans, size 100 font, saying 'ROMANCE BOOKS LOL!!' however Christian has more class than me, so he keeps the note slightly cryptic and hands writes the card rather than resorting to Comic Sans.

Kate, with her journalistic instincts, finds out that the books are worth over $14,000. She uses her friend Google to find this out...but who cares about her dullard friend Google, when they will be spending the night partying with their friends Jack Daniels and Jose Cuervo?

Sadly, Jose Cuervo doesn't turn up to the bar, but bloody José does. It is confirmed that José is Mexican because 'Dios Mio' becomes his catchphrase, he buys Margaritas, his surname is Sombrero and he carries a fajita EVERYWHERE. At the bar, José tries to get Ana drunk, but she's really not making it difficult for him, downing 5 Margaritas.

Unsurprisingly, she starts to feel a bit poorly so heads to the powder room. AHAHAHAAHAAAHAHA!!! POWDER ROOM?!??! The powder room! The room which is decorated in sick from ceiling to floor. The powder room! The room which has a bloody tampon slowly sliding down a wall. The power room! The room where a Nigerian man sits in a corner, trying to force feed you lollies as you awkwardly wash your hands. The powder room! The room where all sorts of racist and homophobic nonsense is smeared on the walls in shit. The powder room! The room where someone has done a poo into a pint glass.

The ONLY reason it could legitimately be called a powder room is if Ana was headed there to snort some coke. From what we know about her, there is a very slim chance of that happening.

While she's waiting for other girls to spray deodorant onto their sweaty vaginas, Ana waits patiently, absentmindedly messing with her phone. She sees that Christian is the last person she called and in an alcohol-induced state, she gives him a booty-call.

It's probably only about 7pm, so Christian is still awake. Ana slurs some nonsense down the phone at him. After refusing to tell him which bar she's in, Christian tells her that he's coming to pick her up.

After taking a shit, Ana starts to feel a bit light-headed so she pops outside, followed by José who is intent on raping her. José is clearly playing the opposites game but forgets to tell Ana. To him 'no' most definitely means 'yes.' Before José can get as much as a semi-on, Christian turns up LIKE A MOTHERFUCKING NINJA. To look at it another way, Ana is being saved from being raped by a slightly more sophisticated rapist. The sort of rapist who says please and thank you or sends you flowers the next day. At this point I started getting confused. José has gone from lovable stereotype to dangerous rapist, Christian has arrived at a bar whose name and location he didn't know and Ana is not in the slightest bit weirded out by all of this.

Christian then shows that he's a work of fiction as he holds Ana's hair back while she goes 'HUUUHURRFHFGGHGHGHGUGUHUUFUDGGGHHHHH' into the bushes. There is not a single man on earth who would willingly hold back the hair of a sick woman, especially not one who fashions a makeshift ponytail while sick is dripping off the woman's chin and pooling around her feet. Not only that, Christian hands her a monogrammed handkerchief. You know who carries around handkerchiefs? Bellends. That's who.

When she's finished redecorating her dress, Ana tells Christian that she needs to find Kate because he want to take her home. He doesn't specify which home, but as a gentleman rapist, he doesn't need to. Just to clarify, Ana is going to go to a home with a man who has turned up at a bar completely out of the blue. If she does get raped, she's only got herself to blame. She clearly hasn't listened to any cautionary tales about young women who go home with mysterious men who track them to bars. Christian also nonchalantly tells Ana that he tracked her phone...but she doesn't mind. Of course she wouldn't. What a perfectly reasonable thing for a man to do.

Back in the bar, they find Kate on the dancefloor with Elliot, Christian's brother. Elliot looks like Thor and is trying to hammer Kate with his cock which (luckily for her) is currently encased in a denim sheath. They tell Kate + Elliot that they're going. She's all like 'BY THE BEARD OF ZEUS, WON'T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?' so Ana and Christian leave.

Outside, Ana passes out. With a sign of what is to come, Christian exclaims 'Fuck.'

I get the feeling that we're not too far away from hearing about Christian's 'glistening member.' The thought of that fills me with dread.

If you like the blog, please direct your friends, co-workers or Mum (if she's absolute filth and loves the book) to the site.

Don't forget to follow me on Twitter - @dvdjmskng
If you want, you can e-mail me - dvdjmskng@gmail.com
You could also leave a comment below if you want to say hi!

Comments

  1. "As a gentleman rapist, he doesn't need to." Well played, sir. These posts give me the giggles.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hilarious - I think your blog is about to go supersonic as it is being shared amongst many females who have read the book and enjoy a giggle. Can't wait to read more.

    ReplyDelete
  3. As a reader from America, I googled "bellends." I shall never forgive you for this. It was bulbously unpleasant.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oohh...I really hope you didn't do an image search. I'll also remove the '2 Girls, 1 Cup' reference from my next post, just in case!

      Delete
    2. I did the same thing!

      Delete
  4. Good stuff. Great to get a guy's perspective. Are you seriously going to read the whole thing though - not to mention the other two books? I mean, holy crap {rolls eyes} it's so repetitive and holy fuck {bites lip} I couldn't sit through another mention of the pants that hang from hip just so, and holy hell {smells bodywash} what is with the word mercurial? And holy Moses {rolls eyes again} Oh My, how mindnumbingly STUPID is Ana?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for checking the blog out! At the moment I am planning on reading the whole first book but I don't think I'll be able to bring myself to the 2nd + 3rd. I'm not even 100 pages in and I hate it more than I can express with words!

      Delete
    2. Wow, Just checked back and am stunned that you have persisted with it. Well done, you! I linked your blog on my blog:

      http://www.insane-jane.com/2012/07/fifty-shades-of-over-it.html

      Loving your posts!

      Delete
    3. Insane Jane, don't forget the repetitive use of "bemused" - After I read the series I couldn't see/use that word without rolling my eyes and gagging!

      Great work Dave! :)

      Delete
  5. You're a genius with a fantastic sense of humour. Don't give up, fight through it, I need a good laugh!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! I'm trying my absolute hardest to make it through...but it is a struggle. Motivational comments like yours certainly help!

      Delete
  6. My friends have all gone crazy for these books. I am going to rebel and be one of the only females who doesn't read them. I can't be arsed and would much rather read your blogs as they have made me smile far more than the shite 'porn' the books seem to be. Cheers Dave :)
    Clare

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Can I suggest getting new friends if they're all going crazy for it ;-)

      Delete
  7. Doesn't Christian live 165 miles away?!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He sure does...but I think he was staying in a hotel...or he just ran REALLY fast. Based upon the logic of the book, it's probably the latter rather than the former.

      Delete
  8. The thing that strikes me the most about this post is the fact that you know about (and have maybe even seen) "She's All That." You, sir, are hilariously awesome.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She's All That is AMAZING! I'm also trying to shoehorn a reference to John Tucker Must Die into the blog, but as about 1 person saw that film, it might be a fairly niche reference.

      Delete
  9. I was really enjoying myself reading this and having a hell of a laugh, but you lost me with saying that Ana would deserve to be raped. I'm sure you weren't serious, but I almost vomited on my computer when I read that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nothing to worry about...as with everything else in the blog, it is most definitely a joke! I don't wish rape on anyone but Ana doesn't exactly help herself and surrounds herself with the most shitty collection of friends!

      Delete
  10. The Ana - Jose - Christian scene had me in STITCHES! Loving your blog, its genius :-)

    ReplyDelete
  11. I love your blog, it literally made me cry with laughter! But I do have to agree with the previous poster who commented about the 'Ana would deserve to be raped' part. I know it was intended as a joke but it killed the mood for me, as it's an attitude which (although I know you don't personally hold it) is a bit too close to home for many people. I just can't find it funny in any way because the idea is too horrific for me. I know I do hate it when people deflate the mood of a message/comment board by blowing one remark out of context and taking things more seriously than they were intended, I wouldn't comment unless I felt so strongly about it. I think the way you write is amazing, you're very very talented and you should keep it up. I would just suggest taking this comment out as I think your blog will become massive and I wouldn't want its essential awesomeness to be overshadowed by a big earnest debate about one mis-spoken phrase.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the feedback. I do think you've raised a really interesting point about the blog and about where to draw lines when writing. It's a topic that interests me, and there is really no right + wrong answer, it's just a question of personal tastes and boundaries. This is my first writing project, so there will most definitely be lessons to learn along the way! Although you may disagree, I do not set out to be offensive, but I do understand that there are certain topics, sentences or phrases that may put people off. That is fine as I know that this blog is not for everyone. I hope readers understand that I am not projecting opinions that I hold in my everyday life into this blog. In the blog, I'm writing about a silly book and the ludicrous situations that the characters often find themselves in. I have slightly amended the sentence but I do not want to take it out entirely because the whole situation is highly sinister and highlights just how awful all of characters are. I hope that section didn't put you off entirely + thanks for getting in touch!

      Delete
    2. It’s an interesting topic for me too, it’s been interesting for me to try to analyse my own reactions to it.

      I completely agree with you that the author creates a totally ludicrous and quite sinister situation, and I liked the subtle ways you’ve highlighted it through humour, the ‘gentleman rapist’ etc. I also agree with what you said regarding the fact that ‘Ana clearly hasn’t listened to any cautionary tales about putting herself in a dangerous situation’.

      I understand what you were trying to do with the phrase ‘she deserves it’ / ‘she’s only got herself to blame’, as it’s a sort of idiomatic way of describing how stupid someone is, e.g. ‘he was so wasted he deserves that hangover’ or ‘he was being so belligerent that he deserved that punch, he was really asking for it’.

      But it doesn’t work in this context as the phrase has other connotations which overshadow the point you’re trying to make, so that a person’s first reaction to the phrase would not necessarily be to take it as a joke. Instead the phrase tends to trigger thoughts about wider social attitudes towards rape and sexism.

      Let me first say that I love irreverent humour, I’m a massive South Park fan for example. I think this type of humour can be brilliant when it brings out a kernel of truth, and starkly illustrates the absurdity of a situation. Theoretically you could argue that the ‘she's only got herself to blame’ line could work as a joke if it was a widely established and accepted view that a woman is never to blame for being raped. If there was absolutely no question in anyone’s mind about the absurdity of this statement, then it could be funny because of its outlandishness.

      However, it’s common knowledge that a significant number of people do believe that women are partially to blame for rape, there are so many surveys describing how people believe that women wearing certain clothes / becoming drunk are partly responsible for rape (e.g. 2010 survey by The Havens). Social attitudes towards rape are obviously still very conflicted (as is demonstrated by the book itself)- recent remarks by George Galloway, Todd Akin, and the fact that intra-marital rape only became illegal in the UK in the 1990s are other examples. These social overtones are the reason I find the use of the phrase uncomfortable and controversial. I’m sure many other women had the same reaction.

      If you were criticising Jose or Grey’s attitudes to rape then that would highlight their bad characters. It could provoke a genuine debate about social attitudes to women, about the kind of society that believes women are responsible for rape, the kind of society that produced this book and the women who are capable of finding it sexy. But as the remark comes from ‘the narrator’ it gives the wrong impression that you are complicit in the shadiness of the male characters’ attitudes towards women. I think this is primarily because the way it’s written makes it sounds too much like an explicit judgement rather than a joke.

      As the phrase (unintentionally) invokes negative social attitudes towards rape, and injustice towards rape victims, I think it encourages people to actually take Ana’s side (‘of course she doesn’t deserve to be raped, she is really stupid but no-one deserves that’)- I think it encourages people to sympathise with Ana rather than to laugh at her, which is the opposite of the reaction you’re trying to provoke. It’s frustrating for the reader as well; I don’t want to have to stand up for Ana suddenly, when I was having so much fun laughing at her, but the use of language forced me into that position. Basically I don’t think this use of words gets your point across.

      I’m just saying this as someone reading the blog who doesn’t know you, describing how it comes across to me as a stand-alone piece of writing without the benefit of being a friend who can say ‘ah that sounds a bit mad but it’s just Dave and I know he’s only joking...’

      Delete
  12. Sweaty vaginas and a MOTHERFUCKING NINJA?! I've never read the book and feel I'll never need too.

    Ace!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I only wish the actual book contained sweaty vaginas and MOTHERFUCKING NINJAS. It would make the whole experience MUCH more pleasant. As it is, EL James didn't cater for me when she was writing.

      Delete
  13. Have to say i do love the books but i love your take on it,your very funny :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. You state that no man would hold back a woman's hair in this situation. Again, I take issue sir, my husband (aka SuperGeek - don't go there Dave, I know what you're thinking and no he is definitely hetero) has on occasion been MAN enough to hold my tresses while in the throes of a tequila induced technicolour yawn. Ahh, memories...

    I would like to let you know that I am a big fan of John Tucker Must Die and will be looking forward to your insertion of said reference (sounds, hot) in later chapters that discuss the ripping of lacy g-strings and the use of nipple clamps.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Thank you for reading this for me! I wasn't tempted, although it has made me a bit of an outcast in the staffroom... There must be many more boring 'must reads' that you can tackle. If i read your blog I can converse with my work colleagues about reading literature whilst keeping up with my out of work studies...
    For the record the 'Ana would deserve to be raped' part made me smile because I saw it as ironic. Is this a failing on my part?

    ReplyDelete
  16. I'm certainly enjoying your blog, it's quite a laugh! Although I gotta say the "Ana deserves to be raped" comment did kill the mood, a lot. Ana's drunk (and for the first time...) and scared because her "friend" tried to rape her, I can get she'll throw herself to the first person she feels she can trust (her instincts suck, but that's not the point)
    The point is, that no one deserves to be raped, she could be running naked around at 3am and still not deserve it. I'm hoping you become more sensitive with this aspect in the future, especially knowing that can be a sensible subject to some people.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

50 Shades of Grey Soundtrack - The Review!!

'Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh no no'

50 Shades of Grey Chapter 12 - 50 Shades of Breaking and Entering

Chapter 12 In Brief

Man walks into a room.