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50 Shades of Grey Chapter 16 - 50 Shades of Spanking

Chapter 16 In Brief

Man hits woman. Everyone feels a little awkward.

Chapter 16 - My View

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Before things get really dark, lets have some fun. You'll be pleased to hear that I've been sent another 2(!!) pictures. You'll know by now that I love getting pictures more than anything. I doubt that anyone has ever sent EL James a picture of Christian getting sucked off in a bath or a drawing of Ana's cock curtains. It's things like that which make me enjoy writing this blog, so thank you to everyone who has read the blog, shared it with anyone, left a comment or sent me a picture. If I could, I'd hi-five every one of you, but by the time I was finished, my hand would be more raw than Ana's vagina after a particularly vicious pummeling from Christian.

Here's the first picture which was sent in by Melanie H: 

I think I love this picture and there is almost nothing that I can criticise. Almost nothing. As Melanie herself told me, it depicts a modern day fairytale, with our hero allowing Ana to climb down his penis to safety. There are obvious echoes of Rapunzel here and I particularly appreciate the effort that has gone into drawing the penis, complete with little winky eye and a dusting of pubes. It also appears that Christian's penis inhabits a room all by itself, as if he removes it and put it on whenever he wants.

Ana looks borderline demonic, but I'm guessing that it may be an expression of joy and relief at getting away from Christian. It looks like she's wearing all black clothes, but she could also be naked and her body is completely covered in bruises from where Christian has been hitting her.

Sitting at the window in what appears to be a dogs collar, Christian is looking rather impassive. His expression reminds me of a picture I once saw. If you want to sleep tonight...don't scroll down.
I did warn you....

Have fun trying to sleep tonight. This little boy or Christian Grey will come into your room and murder you tonight. As you know, Christian has a habit of turning up unannounced. Tonight might be your night...

From the picture, it is clear that a lot of effort has gone into the drawing. I can see that Melanie either has a very steady hand, or she has used a ruler to create the straight lines. Using a grey pencil adds a drab feeling to the picture, which perfectly encapsulates my feeling about the book. I also like that Melanie is quite happy to draw an 80ft penis, but can't bring herself to write the word 'COCK,' unless 'x$xx' is a language that I'm unfamiliar with. I give this picture a gold star!

The second picture is from Becky K. Here it is!

It's almost as if Becky has gone into my mind and plucked this little beauty out. Any artist would be proud to put their name to this wonderful piece of work. As you will be able to tell, it's a scene from Chapter 15, where Christian turns up with a bottle of Champagne, an apathetic expression and a raging erection.

Ana, with her boobs out, is all 'HELLS YEAH, TIME TO GET CRUNKED!' She's so excited by the Champagne, she's forgotten that she doesn't have Champagne flutes...only old ladies china. As usual, she has her mouth wide open, making her look like an advanced blow-up doll.

Displeased by the lack of etiquette, Christian does what every rational man would do and shoves the bottle right up her arse. Hopefully he shook it before he popped it up, so the cork will explode into Ana's anal cavity and ricochet around. Whilst he's administering a fizzy enema, Ana is forced to take his willy in her mouth until her eyes roll back into her head. Christian looks on, unconcerned by the peculiar tableau he has created. This picture also gets a gold star!

Suppose we'd better get on with the book....

Ana wakes up on Christian's chest. He smells lovely because he sprayed himself with some Lynx Java before he went over to see Ana. Reaching out, Ana tries to touch him on the tummy with her hand, but he slaps it back, telling her that he doesn't want to be touched because he's '...fifty shades of fucked up...' Umm...sorry...can you repeat that? He says it like it's a well known phrase, something that we all use in our day to day lives. Aside from the fact that the book is called 'Fifty Shades of Grey,' there is literally no reason for him to use that phrase. It doesn't even mean anything. I guess that very soon we'll be hearing all about '50 shades of anal blood.' I'm bored of it already.

Lying in bed together they have a chat about Ana's orgasms and the fact that she had a wet dream. Proving that he is Count von Count from Sesame Street, Christian tells Ana exactly how many orgasms she's had. He does have a weird obsession with numbers, so there is a chance that Christian is Autistic or has some form of OCD. Thinking back to her wet dream, Ana throws her arm over her eyes in embarrassment. Seems a little melodramatic to be so shocked by something that has probably happened to everyone. I can only imagine that each time she does a poo, she's so ashamed, she cries 'GET OUT FOUL DEMON SEED' then spends 15 minutes Febrezing her bumhole and wafting the smell out of the window. What a stupid way to behave.

Christian decides that the conversation is far too pleasant, so he lowers the tone, asking 'When is your period due?' He asks because he hates wearing condoms, and as we all know, it is the woman's responsibility to ensure that she has sorted out contraception for herself. If Ana has any sense, she'll turn up to Castle Greyskull waving a femidom in the air. I guarantee he'll have a condom back on within seconds because a Femidom is as attractive as a lady shoving a Tesco's carrier bag up her minge.

He then admits that he got her a little drunk on purpose because she's more suggestible 'a drop of wine in you and you start talking...' Just  as I suspected, Christian knew that sensible, poo-wafting Ana would never agree to such a stupid contract, but loose, liberated Ana will agree to anything...even things she's never heard of. Things then get a bit weird. Here's what happens: 

'You'd kidnap me?'
'Oh yes' he grins.
'Hold me against my will?' Jeez, this is hot.
'Oh yes' he nods. 

It seems that after a drink, anything sounds like a good idea to Ana. Gangbang with 100 dudes? She'd love it. Being repeatedly punched in the face by Christian? That would be a massive turn-on for her. Getting thrown out of Christian's helicopter from 30,000ft without a parachute? Only if Christian is the person throwing her out.

The fact that Christian is getting a bit Fritzl is worrying. The fact that Ana loves the sound of being kidnapped is worrying. There is NOTHING sexy about kidnap and imprisonment. Ask Terry Waite if he felt like a sex symbol while he was held captive. Chances are, he'll tell you that his experience was horrid, degrading and not something that he'd wish on anyone. Christian just does what he wants, when he wants. The contract doesn't mean a thing. It's just a bit of paper which he can use to justify his actions.

As he's being an utter bellend, Ana rolls her eyes at him. She does this once. This seriously pisses him off and he decides to spank her, telling her 'I will spank you each time you do it...' In my head, 1 eye roll equals 1 spank. To get her into position, he Tombstones her onto the bed before administering an almighty People's Elbow. Somewhere in America, the Rock and the Undertaker shed a single tear. He then starts beating the shit out of her. Literally. I can only imagine that Christian has been keeping a tally of the number of times Ana has rolled her eyes at him because he hits her not once, but 18 times.

He hits her.

18 times.

While he's hitting her, he tells her 'No one to hear you, baby, just me.' For anyone who says that this book isn't a bit rapey. For anyone who says that this book isn't promoting violence against women...have fun defending it now. For the sake of argument, lets assume that the Christian was not a billionaire. Would this scene still be alright if you just had a regular guy beating a woman in her own house, telling her that her cries are useless? Think about it.

When he's finished beating her, he tells her that she loved it because she's got a bit wet. Christian sweetheart, those are probably tears. Straight away, he starts smashing her, as if his cock is a battering ram, trying to break the portcullis of a Medieval castle. After a bit of POW! POW! SQUIRT! it's all over and as usual, they cum at exactly the same time. They lie there for a little bit before Christian tells her that it's time for him to go. By this point it's 10:30pm. He tells Ana that Taylor has been waiting outside since 9pm. Taylor's job sounds terrible, he's pretty much providing a door-to-door orgasm service.

After Christian leaves, Ana calls her Mum. It is then confirmed that Ana has known Christian for less than 3 weeks. 2-and-a-bit weeks, she's gone from chaste virgin to rampant sexual deviant who is agreeing to anal sex because a man has said 'Please' and 'Thank You.' This book really is silly. Unable to hold back the tears, Ana sobs down the phone at her Mum, telling her that she's having man problems. Rather than being supportive, her Mum tells her that he's probably not worth it and that 'You're far too young. Go and enjoy yourself.' As Ana's Mum is on her 43rd husband, I sense that 'go and enjoy yourself' is a rather subtle way of saying 'there is a lot of cock out'd be a shame to introduce your mouth, vagina and anus to just one.' 

Kate then appears, so Ana says goodbye to her Mum. Although Kate's first question is 'Has that obscenely rich fucker upset you again?' she does not ask about why there is a brand new red Audi sitting in their driveway. As a potential journalist, Kate really doesn't pay much attention to what is going on around her. Apropos of nothing, Ana blurts out 'I fell over and landed on my behind.' In answering a question Kate didn't ask, Ana is covering for Christian. Basically, in less than 3 weeks she's developed Battered Wife Syndrome. Terrific. Again, Kate doesn't think to question this, and believes that her crying friend and her sore arse are completely unconnected. I can't see Kate making a great investigative journalist...maybe stories about Primary School nativity plays or jumble sales will be her forte. Just so you know, throughout the conversation, Ana and Kate are drinking wine. After spending so much of her life without being's now a permanent state for Ana, whether it's through drink or Christian's hands.

In a woozy state, Ana fires up her laptop. There is an e-mail from Christian telling her how wonderful, beautiful, witty and brave she is. He's clearly sent it to the wrong person. He'll feel so silly when he realises his mistake. They then have a bit of back and forth through e-mail, mainly chatting about how her Beetle is going to be disposed of. Christian then tells her (and I promise I'm not making this up) ' really wouldn't like me when I'm angry.' I know that in a previous write-up, I mentioned that Christian is a bit Hulk-like...but I never expected him to use the Hulk's actual catchphrase. Ana responds, telling him that she's not sure that if she likes him anymore because he never stays with her. Do you see what's coming? If you don't, you've really not been paying much attention. To give you a's what I wrote when I thought I knew what was about to happen:

And happened:

Sure enough, Christian comes barging back into the house, despite Kate's best efforts to tell him to stay away and 'bursts' into Ana's bedroom. Despite Kate's offers to throw him out, Ana lets him stay to talk things over. They have a little chat about being honest with each other before Ana asks 'Are you going to hit me again?' He tells her that she's safe for the night and that he did it because he loves to control women because it's a massive turn-on for him. The fact that Ana is crying is seemingly of no concern to him, so long as he comes up with a convincing reason for hitting her. He also tells her that she was aroused, so she MUST have loved it.

He then agrees to stay the night, so long as Ana faces away from him and doesn't touch him. FUCKING HELL...SHE NOW CAN'T EVEN SLEEP HOW SHE WANTS. If I was in bed with Christian, I'd ensure that I took up the whole bed. I'd purposefully sleep like a 6ft starfish, just to annoy him and his ridiculous demands.

I hate these people. I really do. I hope that you are enjoying my suffering.

To ease my pain, follow me on Twitter - @dvdjmskng 
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  1. Terry Waite reference? Very nice. Christian Grey is an Islamic jihadist. I never saw this coming.

  2. WWE references ftw!!!

  3. "'GET OUT FOUL DEMON SEED' then spends 15 minutes Febrezing her bumhole and wafting the smell out of the window." Oh I can't stop laughing. Poop and fart jokes are funny, I don't care who you are. I can't wait to read your next post. I have to wonder if James started writing this book while she was in her horny adolescent years. Unless you're deeply religious or a mad psycho, you would have definitely gotten curious and touched yourself for pleasure before the age of 22. Ana's discussed fisting with this guy and she's embarrassed for having a wet dream!? Seriously.

  4. I'm glad you enjoyed my picture :D
    I am enjoying your suffering, please continue reading!

  5. I can not tell you how much I enjoy this Blog. I just love it. But I am now going to use the term 'fifty shades of fucked up' your suffering is not in vane! You amuse me greatly. :)

  6. brilliantly funny writing about what sounds like a very dangerous's more than just a little rapey! thanks for suffering on your readers' behalf!

  7. Really, you are as funny as fuck. Post more please.


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