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50 Shades of Grey Chapter 15 - 50 Shades of Soft Limits

Chapter 15 In Brief 

Man and woman discuss a contract...again...


Chapter 15 - My View 

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The other day something exciting happened. Actually, the word 'exciting' is an understatement. 'Life-changing' is more appropriate. You're probably thinking 'Wow...has Captain Planet given Dave the Fire ring?' To that, my reply would be, 'Don't be stupid. Captain Planet is a fictional character.' 

In actual fact, I received not 1 but 2 pictures!! See? Life-changing.

Here is the first picture, which was sent to me by Steve W.

This picture was actually sent to me about 4 weeks ago, but Gmail's aggressive junkmail filter ensured that this work of art sat in my Spam folder for FAR too long. I am now able to exclusively reveal the picture to the world. You know when you hear stories about old people finding works of art worth millions in their attic? This is basically like that...but with added cock. Steve, sorry it's taken me SO long to get it up (just to confirm, that is not a euphemism.)

It looks like a fantasy scene where Christian and Ana are taking a ride on a rather rudimentary toboggan, adding some danger to their relationship. OHHOLDONAMINUTE....it's a bath! This is the bathtime blowjob scene. It looks like the bath is rather shallow. From what we know, Christian can cum for ages, so there is a chance that once Ana has had her fill, the cum will fill the bath up and spill all over the floor.

I like that Christian has a grey face, grey eyes and is completely impassive. There is literally no emotion on his face. No smiles, no laughter. This is Christian Grey. I know that some people have been calling for Ian Somerhalder to play Christian in the film, but I am starting a petition for this drawing to play him. If you'd like to join me, send a Tweet to @FiftyShadesFilm to let them know about our wishes.

The blowjob that Ana is administering looks pretty brutal. She's bleeding from the mouth and her eyes suggest that she is dead. Christian is essentially skullfucking a corpse. Luckily, his cum has restorative properties, which brings Ana back to life. I think that bit was glossed over in the book.

Here's the second picture. It was sent in by Sarah M. Based on the quality of the drawing, I believe that Sarah M is about 4 years old. Quite why a 4 year old is sending in pictures that feature erect penises is anyone's guess.
This picture clearly shows Christian hanging around outside Ana's house like a rapey-robber. As we know, Christian communicates using only his eyes and the word 'FUCK' so this picture perfectly encapsulates the size of his eyes and how Ana is able to know what he's thinking...even if he's standing 4 miles away. His eyes are entirely grey...Christian is entirely grey...but his penis is a different colour, as if it's a separate entity. As I've mentioned before, Christian is completely love with his own body, specifically his own penis. By ensuring that it is a different colour to the rest of his body, Christian can treat his willy as if it's not part of him, making it a little less weird when he draws a face on it and tries to French-kiss it.

Ana's curtains are perplexing. For someone who claims that they've never really been interested in boys, she sure does surround herself with a lot of cock. This might be some sort of strange aversion therapy where Ana is forced to look at penises all day, snapping a band everytime she has an unpure thought. This explains why she's always got a hair tie close by.

That was BRILLIANT!! I love receiving pictures. It makes me feel like Tony Hart. Thank you both SO much for sending me pictures. If you would like to send me a picture, e-mail it to dvdjmskng@gmail.com I will absolutely put your picture on the blog (so long as it doesn't get lost in my junkmail for a month.)

Sadly Chapter 15 does not elicit the same sort of excitement from me. If you remember the chapter where the contract was discussed in tedious detail, you already know what happens in Chapter 15. As with quite a few of the chapters recently, there is no need for it to exist. This book could have quite easily been 150 pages long, but instead there is 400 pages of added bullshit.

We rejoin the 'action' as Christian makes his way into Ana's house. He looks good, but you should just take that for granted by now. I bet he still looks terrific when he's hungover or when he's got ManFlu. If there is one thing I'm certain of, it is that NO man looks good when they are poorly. When I get ill, my entire face looks like it would rather be elsewhere. It is not a good look. However, Christian has probably got enough money that he's already discovered the cure for the common cold. He's just not sharing it with anyone. What a cunt.

Soon after arriving, he does something that really winds me up. Not just in this book...in life. Ana makes a joke (well, a joke by her standards.) Christian finds it funny and comments 'Oh, I like your ready wit Anastasia.' Now...if you find something funny, laugh. Don't comment on how amused you are because that just sounds patronising. If after reading this, one of your friends says 'Oh, that's so funny' about something you've said...either get new friends or be funnier.

You would imagine that Ana would be thrilled to have Christian in the room. After all, in the last chapter she'd agreed to be his Sub. However, she is still unsure about being in the same room as him, comparing him to a 'panther or mountain lion...' So, basically, she's just waiting for Christian to chase her around the room before sinking his teeth into her leg and then ripping her head off and devouring her carcass, leaving her as carrion for passing Vultures. David Attenborough would absolutely love to stand in the corner of Ana's house. He'd cream his pants with all of the animalistic action.

As a gift, Christian has brought a bottle of Champagne with him. After reeling off some facts and figures to show how rare the bottle is, Ana offers him a teacup to drink out of because she's packed all of the glasses. To show how middle-class she is, she then offers Christian a saucer to go along with his teacup. Apart from my Grandparents, no-one I know uses a teacup AND saucer. Ana is in her early 20's. She should have mugs with witty slogans on them but instead she has old lady china. I love that she's packed away ALL of the glasses, but she's kept the saucers out for her tea. A cup of tea without a saucer? She's not an animal.

Ana asks Christian to take back the Tess of the D'Urbervilles books that he bought for her. He denies her request, telling her that if she does accept them, he'll go a bit easier on her when he's beating her up. Ana is left with pretty much no choice. Either accept the books that she doesn't want and take less punishment or give them back which will anger Christian and make him punch her in the Uterus a thousand times to teach her a lesson. Having never been punched a thousand times in the Uterus, I don't know how painful it would be, but I'm pretty sure it would sting for a few minutes afterwards. Christian then goes on to explain that he is going to buy her things in exchange for being in a 'relationship.' I think that there is a word for women who receive cash and goods in exchange for sex... Having said that, Ana doesn't want any of the gifts, she just wants a relationship, but in order to have the relationship, she basically has to prostitute herself. Ana has clearly never heard the Meatloaf song 'I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)' otherwise she'd end their little agreement immediately. Christian ends the disagreement telling her that 'You don't know what you're getting into.' WHAT ABOUT THE CONTRACT? IS THAT ALL JUST LIES?

Moving on to more familar ground, they start chatting about RayDad and Christian plies Ana with plenty of Champagne. For someone who never used to drink, Ana is now rarely seen without a drink in her hand. I can only assume that she's been driven to drink as a result of the happy relationship that she finds herself in. On one occasion, Ana drains her cup. For someone who uses teacups and saucers, she has no manners when it comes to drinking Champagne. She's also not learnt anything from her run-in with José outside the club. That time, a billionaire swooped out of nowhere to save her. This time, she's with the billionaire. Who's going to save her now? A gazillionaire with a rocket pack? Scrooge McDuck? Probably not...he's too busy fucking about, swimming in his money.

Ana starts to get a bit more drunk and downs more Champagne 

'He fills my cup and I drink practically all of it.' 

I'm not counting, but I think that Ana has had about 5 cups of Champagne by now. That's quite a lot...practically a whole bottle. For someone who doesn't advocate drinking, Christian is certainly letting Ana get a bit sloppy...and for someone who was scared of touching alcohol a week ago, Ana is lapping it up like it's Christian's cum. I sense some ulterior motives here...Christian is basically just getting her drunk so that he can easily sway her decisions when it comes to the soft limits in the contract and she'll also be more suggestible when it comes to smashing her later.

He takes the contract out of his pocket and I'm then treated to the whole list of soft limits for about the 4th time. I get the feeling that from this point onwards, Christian will always have a copy of the contract which he will be able to quote at Ana like he's a particularly aggressive preacher. Looking through the contract for the billionth time, Ana says no to fisting because she's not mental. A bottom is suppose to allow something the size of a poo out. I don't see who gets any pleasure out of fisting. In this situation, Ana would get a cavernous asshole and Christian would get a pooey hand. Although she says no to fisting, she gets coerced into agreeing to anal sex. Clearly Ana has forgotten how big Christian's penis is. You may have heard the phrase 'sailing up the brown canal' which refers to anal sex. Clearly Ana has not heard this, otherwise she'd be reminded that Christian is planning on driving his canal boat right up her. For those of you with a poor sense of size, a canal boat is significantly larger than a fist. This is probably the only time fisting would seem like the lesser of two evils. To convince her, Christian tells Ana that he's been bummed by 'Mrs Robinson,' the older woman who seduced him. Ana then spends the next 45 minutes trying, and failing, to figure out the logistics of that arrangement.

They then move on to sex toys and because Ana has never heard of love eggs, she thinks that Christian is planning on turning her into a human Goose, stuffing actual eggs into her arse and watching her lay them. Christian may be into some weird stuff, but even he draws the line at dressing Ana up as a Goose and getting her to lay eggs for his dinner. After a slightly frosty conversation about sex toys, they move on to a lighter subject. Bondage. With all of the technical terms that Christian is using, I don't quite know why they're not  having this conversation in the Playwomb where all of the equipment will be readily available for Ana to see. He knows that she's going to be confused with terms like 'Spreader Bars,' and 'Vibrators' but rather than taking the time to see if she's comfortable with everything, taking time to explain exactly what she's letting herself in for, Christian basically just spends his time pointing and laughing at her.

He then basically admits that he's plying her with alcohol to make her more suggestible. 

'Would you like another drink? It's making you brave.' 

That's right...he is completely taking advantage of a drunk woman to get what he wants. Now, I know that a LOT of women are completely in love with Christian Grey. My question is why? I'm only speaking from what I've read so far, but the only reason that I can think of is that these people are thick. That's right. If you love Christian Grey, YOU. ARE. THICK. I know that 50 Shades has been popular amongst women who aren't regular readers, but from what I can tell, all they read into this book is:

'OMG Christian Grey is well fit. He totally buys Ana loads of stuff AND he wants to fuck her up the arse. He is like amazeballs LOL.'

Fuck off with your shallow thoughts. Fuck off with your materialistic attitude. Fuck off with wanting to be fucked in the ass by a glorified rapist. Fuck off with making me type the word 'amazeballs.' If you actually read this book, rather than just turning to the sex scenes and flicking yourself off, you'd realise just how degrading it is. I'm all up for a bit of escapsim...but everything about this book is just wrong. Did you learn nothing from the Spice Girls or Xena:Warrior Princess? This is only my opinion. If you'd like to form a coherent argument why I'm wrong, please leave a comment below or e-mail me dvdjmskng@gmail.com I am happy to put all points of view across, so if you do e-mail, I will pop your response on the blog.

Sadly, we're still not done with the contract and Christian moves on to the different methods that he will use to inflict pain onto Ana. She's not keen on genital clamps because she thinks they'll hurt the most. Christian agrees, then tells her that caning hurts the most, but he's going to leave it in. What an absolute shit. Surely, a large part of their agreement should be about education, allowing Ana to make her on mind up about what she will and won't do. Christian is basically waiting for her to make decisions based upon what sounds worst, before telling her that she's wrong and sticking his massive middle finger up in front of her.

FINALLY, they finish the contract. I am hoping that we won't see it ever again, but I'm pretty sure that Christian will be quoting 'Section 5.2, Clause B' within the next few chapters. He then surprises Ana by offering to try a 'normal' relationship for 1 night a week. On that night, he will try to separate himself from the Dom/Sub relationship and maybe take Ana out to Nandos. That said, there is a catch. If he is to try this, Ana MUST accept a graduation present from him. Based on his health and safety lectures from the previous few chapters, you've probably already worked out what the present is. Outside is a car. Obviously. Is it any safer than the car she's currently driving? Probably not...but in Christian's mind it's safer because he bought it and José has nothing to do with it. It's like he's trying to strip away every part of her life, so that whatever she does and wherever she is, she's reminded of him. I can only think that Christian is a big fan of The Police and has taken their song 'Every Breath You Take' a little too literally. 

'Every breath you take
And every move you make
Every bond you break, every step you take
I'll be watching you'
 


Quite why the new car, an Audi, is going to be safer is anyone's guess. It's not like Christian built the car with his own hands. It was built by a man and a robot in a factory. Even a car built by a man AND a robot cannot guarantee anything. Plus, if Ana is a shitty driver, it doesn't matter how safe the car is. With the amount of booze she's been knocking back recently, she'll probably be off her face every time she's behind the wheel.

Once again, Ana puts up a bit of a fight, telling Christian that she doesn't really want the car and that she'll accept it as a long-term loan. Then things get sinister and a touch rapey... 

'...if I want to buy you a fucking car, I'll buy you a fucking car' he growls. 'Now let's get you inside and naked.' 

Hooray! Strap yourself in for some angry swearing sex!

The sex scene reads a bit like one of those fight scenes from 1960's episodes of Batman. It's all a bit 'OOF! POW! BIFF! YOINKS! KER-SPLAT! BOFF! KAPOW! BAP! ZZZZZAAPPPP!'

Christian puts Ana in control and she doesn't really know what she's doing, mainly because she's practically paralytic with all of the booze. She admits that she's never undressed a man and proves this by struggling to get him out of his trousers. In theory, it's a very similar process to when she takes her trousers off, but with added penis. Ana doesn't see it this way and Christian has to quickly assume control again otherwise Ana would take 90 minutes trying to work out how to pull his boxers down.

She then resumes control, sitting on top of Christian, taking him deep into her, as if his cock is the sword in the stone. While she's doing this, Christian turns into one of your Mum's nosy mates, asking variations of 'What now?' and 'What are you going to do next?' 

Once again, they have a simultaneous orgasm and everyone stops caring.

Thanks again for reading!

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Comments

  1. cups and saucers? does the author know anything about anything?!!!

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  2. Oh Dave Dave Dave...life is a bit rubbish at the mo but this always makes me laugh loud loud. My son thinks I am a loon.
    When is the next chapter please??

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  3. A Facebook page, excellent! I've "liked". Great chapter review today as usual, always makes my day. So like, amazeballs! :) Thanks.

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  4. Another theory here... the willy curtains belong to Kate?

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  5. Absolutely amazing. Once again I'm laughing hysterically. Thank you for bringing such joy into my life! Ha ha xx

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  6. i think we all need to accept that e l james forgot that she was making ana drink 5 cups of wine and promptly substituted word "verbose" for "brave" .brave negotiator open their mouth and say "i'll think about it but it not an agreement yet"'. she cannot be george r r martin and write a wonderful drunk date chapter like he did for sansa.

    ReplyDelete

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