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50 Shades of Grey Chapter 5 - 50 Shades of Rape

Chapter 5 In Brief 

Woman gets up and has breakfast. 

Chapter 5 - My View 

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As you know, I have previously alluded to the fact that this book is a little bit rapey. In Chapter 4, José  thought that in order to win a woman over, you had to lick her on the face as if she was a skin flavoured lollypop. Elliot also gives off some creepy vibes, taking advantage of drunk women by continually using his penis as a jousting pole. I'm sure that women love nothing more than to be stabbed in the side by a strangers erection. However, for the most part, this has just been me reading too much into the words that have been written down. In Chapter 5, E L James really doesn't help herself. There is SO much weird shit going on that I almost don't know where to start.

As convention dictates that I start at the beginning, I shall do just that.

Ana was last falling into Christian's arms as he said 'Fuck!' I get the feeling that he actually said 'Fuck?' and just assumed that the answer would be 'yes.' As a Gentleman Rapist, he can't say he didn't ask. The fact that he didn't get an answer is completely irrelevant. Sometimes you just know. In this situation, Christian knew.

As a result, Ana wakes up in a bed. We know it's not her bed because it is comfortable. As a former student, I know for a fact that beds in student houses are not comfy. You may have one of those beds that smells of stale cum from the previous occupant. You can Febreze the bed as much as you want, but that smell will still drift into your nose as you sleep. On the other hand, you may have a mattress which is completely worn down from the pummeling it received, either from the previous owner having lots of sex...or from him having particularly vigorous wanks.

Ana quickly establishes that she's in the Heathman Hotel where she previously photographed Christian. She recounts the previous night and then finds out that she's only wearing her t-shirt, bra and knickers. Her jeans and socks have been taken off and are nowhere to be seen. This is definitely not suspicious and doesn't mean she's been raped so CALM DOWN. If a strange man took your clothes off if you were unconscious, it doesn't automatically mean that anything has happened. Some men are just chivalrous. Along with grabbing Ana, we can now add 'stealing unconscious girls clothes' to Christian's list of attributes.

Outside the door, and having heard Ana waking up, Christian stops smelling the crotch of her jeans and knocks on the door. Like the night before, he doesn't bother to wait for a reply, assuming that the answer is yes. Marching into the room, Ana loves what she sees. For a change, he is wearing grey clothes because, y'know, he's called Christian GREY. That's why he has GREY eyes, GREY clothes and works in GREY House. He's been working out, so he's all sweaty. Luckily, he remembered to put on some Lynx Africa before coming to see Ana. She bloody loves it, saying that the mix of sweat and body wash is so much better than a Margarita. Just in case you were in any doubt, Ana would rather drink a pint of man's sweat and body wash than a Margarita. If I'd just been for a night out + had those thoughts, I would vomit up my internal organs all over the bed. For Ana, thinking about a pint of sweat is relatively normal.

Grey then gives her an exceptionally flimsy excuse about why he couldn't take her back home. He mumbles something about not wanting to ruin the leather in his car after she passed out. If she was passed out, chances are she's not going to ruin anything unless she shits herself. If she did, I am sure that Christian would hold her bum cheeks open while she shat herself out of his car window and then give her a monogrammed handkerchief to clean up.

She then asks if he undressed her. He admits that he did, but doesn't admit to Tweeting a picture of himself next to her, with his thumb up her bottom. Ana obviously thinks that they might have had sex, but Christian reassures her that he's not into necrophilia. This satisfies Ana, but it doesn't satisfy me. We know that Ana is not dead, although her personality may suggest otherwise. As Ana is not dead, there would be no possible way for Christian to indulge in necrophilia...but he could have his merry way with Ana's unconscious body. The Gentleman Rapist would expect a reward for saving a young maiden in obvious danger. If Ana wasn't sufficiently conscious to receive her reward, that's her own fault.

Confused about the event of the previous night, Ana asks him about the tracking device using a snappy comment. Here is E L James' version of a snappy comment: 

'You didn't have to track me down with whatever James Bond stuff you're developing for the highest bidder.' 

Here is my rewritten version of the same comment. Decide for yourself which is snappier: 

'What's with the James Bond shit?' 

Also...since WHEN has James Bond used a tracking device to track a drunk girl in a car park? I must have missed that part. I've watched pretty much all of the James Bond films and I must have also missed the part where Pussy Galore did a poo out of the window of his Bentley. Christian Grey is NOTHING like Bond. Bond gets his gadgets from a sweet facility where geniuses work on invisible cars and ejector seats. Christian Grey gets his gadgets from the Cheaters website.

After the Bond reference, Christian then calls himself the Dark Knight. If he thinks he's as cool as Batman, he can fuck right off. I know that Christian Grey is not real, but I will punch him. If I can't do that, I'll punch a copy of the book next time I see it. In the next few days you might read a headline, something along the lines of 'Man Goes On Book Punching Rampage In Bookshop.' If you do, smile to yourself because you know what has happened. Hopefully I won't lose in my fight with the book.

While they're talking, Ana describes Christian as having 'chiseled lips.' You can get away with a chiseled jawline, but chiseled lips? I understand that Christian is so perfect that he looks like he's carved from stone, but does he really have jutting, angular lips like the Rock Biter from Neverending Story?

Christian then turns into a doctor, telling Ana the exact reason that she was so ill. According to him, drinking rule #1 is that you HAVE to eat. The reason Ana was poorly was because she didn't eat. The 5 Margaritas have got nothing to do with it. If she had have eaten some crisps or munched on José's cock, everything would have been fine. Surely the #1 rule of drinking is DON'T DRINK. Christian tells Ana that he hates to think about what might have happened to her. I agree, just imagine if she'd been kidnapped by a strange man who took her clot....oh...that's exactly what happened. Ana counters this by telling him that Kate was there, looking out for her. This is Kate who was practically being bummed by Elliot last time we were with her. Kate, who let Ana wander off outside by herself. Kate, who took Elliot on his word that Ana was being looked after. Kate is a terrible, selfish friend who seems to have no clue what being a good friend is all about. She does not subscribe to the 'Bro's before Ho's' school of thought (or whatever the female equivalent is? Gashes before Moustaches?)

He pops off to have a shower, only to rematerialise within a matter of seconds, wearing a towel the size of a cummerbund so that Ana can get a good look at him. She describes him as Michelangelo's David, so Christian must have a fairly small penis and a lot of pubes.

Ana heads off to take a shower because she probably smells of vomit. While she's there, she wonders why Christian hasn't made a pass at her like Paul or José. Poor Ana, in her slightly hungover state, she's mistaking veiled threats and attempted rape for innocent gestures made by men to show that they like her. Little does she know, but Christian probably made a pass at her last night. He passed his willy right into her.

After the shower, Ana collects the bag of new clothes that Taylor bought for her on Christian's instruction. Along with the new jeans, shirt socks and shoes are a set of underwear which seem to fit perfectly. How did Christian know the correct size? Does he just know what size she is from looking at her and calculating it? Or...did he know from looking at the labels in her underwear? After looking for the label inside her vagina with his penis, he decided that he better just look on the underwear itself. Funnily enough, that was where he got the information. How was he to know?

Wandering into the living room, Ana finds a table laden with breakfast items. Christian has remembered that she likes Twinings tea, despite the fact that it was probably the only brand available in the cafe and at the hotel. Ana is way too amazed by this and goes a bit 'Oh he MUST like me if he knows what sort of generic tea I drink.' If Ana liked drinking the tears of a baby or man's sweat then she could be legitimately impressed if Christian had managed to get hold of it. However, he's just got her some bog-standard tea. Ana is very easily impressed. 

They then proceed to have an intolerably boring conversation which can be boiled down to: 

'Are you smiling at me?'
'No, but you're smirking at me.'
'I'm not.'
'You are.'

There is also a lot of highly meaningful staring, hand movements and lip biting. To break up the tedium, Christian tells Ana that he'd like to bite her lip. At this point, I had to turn my Kindle off and try to suffocate myself. E L James uses the word 'moist.' I don't think there is a more unattractive word in the English language. It should NEVER be used to describe a woman who is turned on...or a lovely cake...or ground after rain. It is a horrible word and it is the FIRST word that is used to describe what is happening to Ana. This does not bode well.

As Ana starts gushing, slowly turning the whole hotel room into a massive slip'n'slide, they ponderously discuss their feelings and Christian tells her that he needs her consent to touch her, smirking to himself as he forgets about the previous night. Her consent is needed when she's conscious, but when she's passed out, she's fair game. He mysteriously alludes to the consent, telling Ana that she probably won't want see him again after she's found out what is going on. Ana then wonders if this is because he's part of a slave ring...or a criminal...or impotent(??)...or deeply religious. At no point does she consider the fact that he's basically kidnapped her...because apparently that sort of behaviour is tolerable...but being IMPOTENT?? HOW DARE HE.

Christian calls in a helicopter, telling Ana that he's going to be flying them to Seattle. Ana gets confused by the word 'pilot.' Apart from a boat, I can't think of another mode of transport that you pilot. Logic would have got Ana to a flying machine of some kind, but in her brain she's probably thinking that Christian is going to put a saddle on Taylor and 'pilot' him to Seattle. She also asks him if the people working for him always do what they are told. Clearly Ana doesn't understand the basic concept of a job.

Talk then turns to Christian, specifically where he slept last night. He (not very) cryptically tells her that he was sleeping in his bed with someone. At this point, Ana sits there, open-mouthed for about 45 minutes as she puts together the pieces of the puzzle. Finally, she works out that SHE was the girl Christian slept with. Even though he took her clothes off and slept in the same bed as her, NOTHING HAPPENED, so stop going on about it. Plus, a Gentleman Rapist would NEVER kiss and tell.

Rather than get completely creeped out by this, Ana wishes that she could have been awake so that she could have watched him sleep. Continuing her odd behaviour, she heads into the bathroom and brushes her teeth with his toothbrush, just to feel a bit of him in her mouth. While reading this, I felt something in my mouth. It was called sick. Luckily I swallowed it.

She returns to the living room to find Christian doing some business. I know that he's doing business because he says things like 'cost,' 'Powerpoint presentation' and 'progress.' He also mentions some places that sound a bit foreign. Putting the phone away, he leaves with Ana and they get into an elevator. They are alone. Then this happens...


Essentially, it's just a bit of heavy petting, the sort that the sign in the swimming pool warned you against.
image of Will Patrons Refrain From Metal Sign
Petting: Not in the pool, lift or zoo

They bump & grind for a bit like a 1990's R'n'B video before he pushes her away. They're at it for long enough for him to get an erection which he pushes into her stomach.

During the makeout session, Ana tells us that she's never been kissed like this. I was under the impression that she's NEVER been kissed, so either I'm wrong or E L James needs to take a closer look at what her main characters are up to. I'm pretty sure I'm not wrong. Christian remarks that Ana has brushed her teeth. He knows this because she no longer smells like sick and Mexican people.

When the doors of the elevator open, Ana has become so moist that juices pour out and it resembles the elevator scene in the Shining. Ana and Christian surf out of the elevator...and that is where we leave them for now.

Chapter 5 made me really angry. I know that because I have written a LOT.

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  1. Heather Martin14 July 2012 at 21:46

    These posts are hilarious... I'm on chapter 11...and if Ana bites her lip one more time I think I will punch myself in the face! :)

    1. If this is Heather Martin from Plymouth...HI!! How are you? If this is another Heather Martin who is not from Plymouth...HI!! How are you?

      Does the book get any better? Please tell me it gets better. I need something to look forward to.

    2. Heather Martin17 July 2012 at 07:58

      It is me!!!! Helllloooo! Im doing very well thanks...This blog is so funny! i hope you are going to do all 3 books?! I am actually quite getting in to them now... there still is the odd crap chapter but I defineitly don't want to throw myself out of the window now! I hope you are well? x

    3. Aha! Hello new Facebook friend! That could have been quite awkward if it wasn't you! Unless someone pays me a LOT of money, I think that 1 book is more than enough. I have literally no idea how E L Grey can keep this level of garbage up for 3 whole books...and I really don't want to find out.

    4. Heather Martin18 July 2012 at 23:11

      I'm just starting book 3!!! I actually prefered the second book - a lot less lip biting and gushing!!!

  2. I'm gonna need a T-shirt bearing the slogan "Gashes before Moustaches." I nearly spit out my margarita when I read that.

    Also, I passed along your blog to a friend that read and actually enjoyed this book. From the expression on her face, she either wants to punch you or sleep with you, I can't tell which.

  3. Another hilarious rendition! I will never ever read this book haha

    1. Please save yourself from reading it. I think that this book will drive me to drink and hard drugs before Chapter 10.

  4. I don't agree with your hatred of the word "moist." Cake should be moist and delicious. I'm not sure what moist thing you've eaten that has made you sick to the word.

  5. I think there are just some words that are horrid even if they sound nice. I'm just not a fan of the word moist. Sweetbread is a good example...sounds nice but is just the pancreas of an animal. Ewww...

  6. Alison Richard19 July 2012 at 17:07

    After laughing out loud at the Michaelangelo's David comparison I then cringed at the use of the word 'moist' are right, it IS the most revolting word in the language. I love this blog, keep suffering please, so we don't have to!

  7. NO WAY!? He does not call himself the Dark Knight?! Oh no, why??!

  8. "Ana and Christian surf out of the elevator." I haven't laughed this hard in ages.

  9. OMG I have completed all 3 books and loving your view of them i found them addictive but painful to read... keep up the good work and at the rate this is being shared i am sure someone will pay you to read the other 2 books

  10. Omg!!! I have read all three books. And I want to see how a guy will describe this book. I'm looking forward to reading your blog until the end.

  11. Umm, what's with your assumption that he raped her? And all the comments about asses and shitting? Oh and TMI about your bed in college.

    1. Haha...luckily my bed wasn't too bad...but I was one of the lucky ones. I do think that the whole scenario is excessively creepy, from the bar 'abduction' to the undressing, Christian sleeping beside her and Taylor buying her new underwear that fits her perfectly. There is something not quite right about the situation...but I then went a bit made + copied and pasted the word 'rape' about 1 million times!

  12. If you're still curious, the feminine version of "bros before hos" that I've heard is "chicks before pricks."

    1. Aha!! Thank you for clearing that one up for me...and I hope that you've not had to use the phrase too much!

  13. HA! Thank you, Dave, for giving me a right proper belly laugh. I read these books a few weeks ago and had proper rage for about 2 weeks, so I feel your pain - I found the desire to vom and/or punch someone or something was quite strong throughout. However, I think we have to thank EL James for giving us something so bad that it inspires us to write something in response, in order to vent our frustrations at how plain god awful it is. I ended up writing a blog post too:


  14. its chicks before dicks... which i highly stand by but gashes before Mustaches is a close second now.

  15. So I'm dedicating my afternoon to catching up on chapters. Oh my!!!! My day has been made! I'm cracking up in my office and have shared this with all of my coworkers. Miss you and wifey!!

  16. OMG gashes before moustaches,priceless,i laughed so hard i nearly wet myself !!!

  17. Where to start. There is not excuse for the abduction so let's not dwell. Surely he didn't rape her BECAUSE she smelt and tasted of vomit. Would you seriously tap that? The tea thing - I defy you to get English Breakfast Tea or a decent coffee in the US. They do weird things with coffee that quite frankly make Christian abducting Ana look perfectly normal. I am worried about your attitude to all things Mexican - were you bitten by one as a small child? I am also concerned that with all that 'Grey' stuff and the long hard thing down his trousers that he may actually be an elephant. Hadn't seen that coming.

    1. On the contrary...I LOVE Mexicans. In fact, my love for Jose grows and develops as the book goes on. I once saw him as a predator...then started seeing him as a bit of light relief from Ana and Christian's humdrum relationship.

  18. I am really enjoying experiencing this book all over again from your perspective. I have been laughing out loud, and only just started. I hope you continue this analysis for the other two books in the series. You are very funny!

    1. Thanks very much, and glad you like it! There are some people who have read 50 Shades and HATE my blog with a thanks for having a sense of humor! There's no way I'll be continuing though. 1 book (and 5 months) is more than enough time to spend with Ana and Christian!

  19. how am i to read if i cant stop are a f...g genius.

  20. I m excited for the Fifty Shades of Grey movie.I cant wait for releasing date of the movie.
    Fifty Shades of Grey


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