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50 Shades of Grey Chapter 3 - 50 Shades of José


Chapter 3 In Brief 

2 people go on an awkward date.


Chapter 3 - My View 

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Ana calls Kate to tell her that Christian was in her store. She forgets to mention that he's either doing some appalling DIY or that he's planning on hog-tying her. Kate slaps a man's cock out of her mouth for long enough to exclaim 'OMGWTFLOLZZZZZ!!!' She then convinces Ana that Christian definitely wants her. Kate is essentially that irritating girl at school who would creep around, telling you that her mate fancies you. Kate...grow up.

At that point, Paul walks in. We briefly met him in the previous chapter but I deemed him to be too insignificant to mention. Shows what I know...here he is again! In the last chapter his function was to be glared at by Christian. I don't think I've mentioned this before, but Grey has grey eyes. Not even a lie. Paul's latest insignificant act is to ask Ana out on a date. This is apparently a yearly thing where Paul asks Ana out on a date and Ana says no. He then leaves with the exceptionally creepy line 'Ana, one of these days you'll say yes.' I get the feeling that next time we see Paul he will be wearing nothing but a balaclava and an erection.

After being an unwitting participant in Paul's rape fantasy, Ana turns her attentions to the photo shoot. The only person in line for the job is José who's main roles at the shoot will be to take photos and unrelentingly cockblock Christian.

Times and locations are agreed with Christian and he manages to give a 'sphinx-like smile' over the phone. I don't know how familiar E L James is with a sphinx, but the only one I've seen looks rather impassive, borderline nonchalant which is impressive seeing as how someone has chopped it's nose off.
http://aulis.com/images/art_origins5.jpg
Sphinx: Cheerful?

Following the brief chat with Christian, Kate goads Ana a bit more, using her full name of 'Anastasia Rose Steele.' This probably shows that despite the tough surname, Ana also has a feminine side. Christian will more than likely have to break down her tough exterior to see the love within...or something.

That night, Ana dreams of 'dark, dark unexplored places.' I've never heard anyone describe a vagina like that before and I hope that I never do again. Thanks E L James...you've just made me vomit onto my own hands.

A small posse turn up to a nearby hotel to photograph Christian. Along with Ana and José are Kate and Travis, José's friend. The reasons for them being there are never made clear and during the shoot they basically stand around.

Grey turns up looking bloody fantastic, flanked by Taylor, his bodyguard. He shakes Ana's hand and for the 4th or 5th time, she feels a current running through her. This could be sexual tension, but it's more likely that Christian loves a bit of a joke and is wearing a hand buzzer

http://www.wellcoolstuff.com/Merchant2/graphics/00000001/hand-buzzer.jpg
These are NOT Christian Grey's hands. I know this because the fingers are too small.

He is also wearing a flower on his shirt. He asks Ana to smell it and she finds that she's been soaked with water. Ana just passes it off as a bit of sweat caused by the sheer manly presence of Christian. Christian giggles.

The photo session passes without incident and José manages to behave himself, without whispering 'Ana's jam-packed full of STD's' into Christian's ear.

Following the pictures, Christian dismisses everyone apart from Ana who he asks on a date. Rather than planning anything in the near future, Christian wants an immediate date at a coffee shop. Taylor, who seems to be an expert at standing perfectly still, in instructed to take everyone else back to the University. Ana is given no option but to go for coffee.

A coffee shop seems like a perfectly normal location for a first date, but Grey succeeds in making it incredibly awkward by grabbing Ana's hand. Here's the thing...if I was 10 seconds into a first date and I grabbed the girls hand, I wouldn't be expecting a second date. That is not a normal thing for anyone to do. In terms of first date etiquette, he may as well have stood in the lobby of the hotel, waving his willy around and shouting 'WOOOO....come on woman, it's not going to suck itself!' Luckily Christian Grey has a slightly more refined approach.

Walking to the coffee shop, Ana admits (to the reader) that no one has ever held her hand before. Not even her parents? Not even a girl friend at school? Not even when she was going through a rebellious faux-lesbian phase? Not even someone who mistook her for their girlfriend and accidentally held her hand for half a second before realising their error? If not, Ana has lived a sheltered life.

They walk to the coffee shop in an awkward silence before Christian 'releases' her. This definitely has the makings of a successful relationship. I'm sure that every woman wants to be grabbed and released. Gone are the days when a man would hold the door for a woman or put his coat over a puddle so that she could step on it without ruining her shoes. According to E L James, the way to woo a woman is to grab her.

Grey pops off to get some drinks and puts his long fingers through his hair. I bet his fingers are all nimble and look like an anteater's tongue.

http://www.factzoo.com/sites/all/img/mammals/anteater/giant-anteater-tongue.jpg
Grey's fingers: flaccid

During the interview date, Ana turns a variety of colours. In a matter of minutes she goes crimson, red and scarlet. Rather than seeming like a cute nervousness, it actually seems as if Ana is quite ill. Grey should really have checked to see if some muffin went down the wrong hole. There's probably a euphemism there if you look hard enough.

At one point, Grey starts listing boys, a sort of reverse Mambo #5. 'A little bit of Paul in your life? A little bit of José by your side? A little bit of Taylor's what you need, a little bit of Travis is what you see. A little bit of your Dad in the sun, a little bit of my Dad all night long, a little bit of Christian HERE I AM. A little bit of you makes me your man.' 

Despite being a bit obsessive, Ana assures him that she doesn't have a boyfriend. She leaves out the fact that a boy hasn't so much glanced in her direction before. Throughout the conversation, Ana offers very little in the way of actual personality. Grey gets desperate for things to talk about so asks her if she's an only child. She doesn't like this and is taken aback. Quite why she's so offended is anyone's guess. It's not like she was offering anything in the way of questions. Last time I checked, going red and answering questions with 1 word is not a great way to get a second date.

The rest of the date is taken up with unanswered questions, lots of shrugging, intense stares and cocking (of the head.) With all that cocking, Grey sounds like he's got a bobblehead and physically can't keep his head still.

After Ana announces that she has to go, I got all excited. The end of the page finished with these words:

...cock? It's got to be cock hasn't it? Apart from cocking heads, there has been no mention of cocks so far. I've read 3 chapters and nothing has happened. Nothing. We haven't even been enticed with one of José's bollocks falling out of his shorts. The next word has to be cock. It has to be!


OH. FUCK. OFF. 
They leave the coffee shop and Ana once again falls over. If you combine the falling over, non-stop blushing and lack of conversation, you can see why Christian is enjoying his time with her. Luckily Christian breaks her fall and she ends up in his arms with his spidery fingers molesting her face. She fucking loves it and we leave Ana wanting to be kissed for the first time ever.

Altogether now 'VIRGIN! VIRGIN! VIRGIN!'

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Comments

  1. You are freakin hilarious!! I pretty much laughed the whole time I was reading this! Thanks for the entertainment...legend!

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  2. This is superb - keep up the good work

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  3. I imagined my own mock version of 50 Shades & this takes it to a whole other level! Loving the laughs!!

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    1. No worries! Glad I can provide a smile or two! If you've written your own 50 Shades blog, feel free to share it in the comments section.

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  4. Brilliant, loving this blog probably more than my hormonal colleagues are loving 'mr grey'

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  5. How do I explain the strange noises I'm makjng to the Indian Finance guy in my office? Trying to hold in my laughter is causing an awkward atmosphere. I don't know what to do! This stuff is gold.

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  6. Thankyou for giving me the image of Jose with one of his bollocks hanging out :D

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  7. I won't get into a debate about the catch and release hand holding as a way of ruining a first date as I may or may not have slept with my husband on our first date. (Not sure what I was holding really.) At this point I would highly recommend that you read http://ladyornot.com/fifty-shades-satire/ as Rebecca has researched thoroughly and come up with a substantial list of medical conditions that may explain all that blushing and cocking including the possibility that Ana has early onset menopause.

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    1. Excellent call on the ladyornot blog. It's hilarious! I knew that there was a lot of repetition of the same phrases, but when you see it written down in actual numbers, you realise how the book is SO long! Strip out all of the murmurs, lip-biting, cocking and whispers and you're left with a pamphlet about the dangers of dating billionaires.

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  8. I actually laughed out loud at the mambo #5 reference! hilarious, well done.

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