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50 Shades of Grey Chapter 12 - 50 Shades of Breaking and Entering

Chapter 12 In Brief 

Man walks into a room. 


Chapter 12 - My View 

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After my brief tantrum last week, it's time for another 50 Shades chapter review! Part of me was hoping that I was just being mean about the first 11 chapters for no reason and that I could come back with a more sunny disposition. I then read chapter 12. You'll probably be pleased to hear that chapter 12 is just as ridiculous, if not more so.

When we left Ana a few weeks ago, she had discovered the Internet. As she doesn't know anything, she used Ask Jeeves to find some information about submissives. She then set up a MySpace page and LOL'd herself silly at the Star Wars Kid video.

Like Ana, I used Wikipedia to check out 'submissive.' It comes up with a boring article about some man who said something to someone. This can't have been the article Ana read which left her feeling 'queasy and frankly shocked to my core.' I think she was probably looking at the 'Dominance and Submission' page which has an amazing picture of a man smoking a cigarette like a true gentleman while a woman slithers around on the floor in front of him. It's such a good picture, I want to share it.

File:Topfer Reve.jpg

It took Ana 30 minutes to read the article so I guess she didn't just skip to the bit about 'Human Furniture' like I did. I hope that for the rest of the book, Christian just uses Ana as a bath, lathering himself up in her vagina as and when he pleases. That'll teach her...and probably be a whole lot more painful than fisting. Having said that, it would probably make the book more boring. Reading the article, I don't know what Ana was so shocked by. She's already been given a contract which mentions fisting and genital clamps. If anything, the Wikipedia entry portrays Dom/Sub relationships in a better light.

I should have probably mentioned all of that in the last chapter, but I had already written a lot.

We rejoin Ana as she pops out for a run to think about the contract. Interestingly, she has an iPod, but she calls the laptop a 'marvel of technology' as if she's a Mayan worshiping the Sun. Surely an iPod is a greater marvel...and surely she'd need a computer to connect to iTunes...but that's just nitpicking. Ana is so backwards, she strikes me as the sort of person who would strap a gramaphone to herself if she wanted music while she runs.

She sets off, with Snow Patrol 'blaring' in her ears. Surely that's a contradiction? Snow Patrol are so nondescript and monotonous, I can't believe that anyone has ever described their music in those terms before. That's like saying 'The new Lighthouse Family album SHREDDED MY FACE OFF.' However, I can't help but think that she's listening to Snow Patrol because they have a song called 'Run.' They also have a song called 'Chasing Cars,' but that would only be relevant for Ana if it was called 'Chasing Parked Cars.'

Ana runs for about 4 seconds before realising that if she puts 1 foot in front of the other for an extended period of time, she will undoubtedly fall and break both of her legs. After stopping to sweat, she heads back to the apartment where Kate is waiting to give her an impromptu fashion show. She's bought some bikinis and feels like she deserves attention because bikinis are important. More important than finding out why your lazy friend has suddenly decided to go for a run.

After watching Kate try on an obscene number of bikinis, Ana returns to her room and connects to her dial-up Internet. After 16 minutes she is able to log on and sends Christian an e-mail, telling him that 'It was nice knowing you.' as a bit of a joke, but also as a warning to him that he's not going to get everything that he's asked for in the contract. She waits for 10 whole minutes but doesn't get a reply so she starts to pack for the move to Seattle. As she's putting things thing into boxes, she sees something out of the corner of her eye. You're probably thinking 'Oh, that'll be Kate coming to show Ana another bikini.' If that was what you thought, you're an idiot. Standing in the doorway is CHRISTIANFUCKINGGREY. He's just standing there, twirling his car keys...25 minutes after Ana sent the e-mail. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? There are only 2 realistic scenarios which can explain how he could have reached Ana's house that quickly. Firstly, he was already waiting outside. Secondly, he experiences the same luck with traffic and driving conditions that Jack Bauer does, negotiating deserted city streets as he raced over to Ana's house. For someone who is supposed to be romantic, Christian is incredibly needy. Reading between the lines, Ana sent him an e-mail which said 'You're a bit of a dick.' so rather than calling her or e-mailing back, he just shows up at her house, completely unannounced. By this point, this really shouldn't be a surprise. Remember that time he just appeared at the bar? This is basically the same thing. Like syphillis, Christian is an irritation that shows up after sex and just won't go away.

Obviously surprised, Ana stands there opening and closing her mouth like a gormless fish. Before speaking to him, she plots an escape route from her own bedroom. If you've ever been in a relationship before, this will be a familiar scenario for you. You know, the time when you think your partner is going to murder you and you seriously consider throwing yourself through a window rather than spending a single minute in their company. When me + my wife were dating there was one time that she was so excited to see me, she set herself on fire and screamed 'YOU ARE LITERALLY THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD! It was at that moment that I knew our love would last. I'm sure that you have a similar tale. If you do, I'd love to hear it.

Finally, and after much lip chewing, Ana manages to speak, at which point Christian throws in a reference about getting to know him in the biblical sense. Christian does love old-fashioned euphemisms for sex, having previously spoken about 'the beast with two backs' and 'pressing suit.' Ana questions which version of the Bible has nipple clamps. She's clearly unaware of the SEXY BIBLE where the Angel Gabriel hog ties Mary, Noah anally fists 2 Opossums and God smites EVERYONE who does not eat what they are told, wear what they are told or masturbates when they're not supposed to.

It becomes clear that Christian is there to show Ana what she'd be missing out on if they weren't together. It turns out she'd be missing out on angry, egotistical sex. Christian ties Ana's hands to the bedpost and starts to undress her. As she's still wearing her sweaty running clothes, she probably smells particularly yeasty. If Christian has any sense, he won't be making any visits downtown. When she's tied up and pretty much undressed, Christian sits astride her and pulls her shirt over her head, leaving her blind. He then 'slides' off her. As she is so moist by this point, Christian ends up sliding down the stairs where a pool of Ana has formed. Composing himself, he has a chat with Kate and wanders around the house until he finds some wine. At this point, Ana is still blindfolded and tied to the bed. If Christian has any sense, he'll pop back upstairs, gag her and then leave her there for the rest of the book.

Sadly that doesn't happen and he soon returns with a glass full of wine and ice. He backwashes some into her mouth which doesn't seem like a very sexy move. It's about as sexy as if he brought a pizza up, masticated it then spat it into Ana's mouth like she's a baby bird. After he's finished spitting wine into Ana's mouth, Christian proves that he's watched 9 1/2 Weeks as he pops an ice cube into Ana's bellybutton. He's also clearly watched The Shawshank Redemption as Christian has chipped away at Ana for quite some time before making the breakthrough. As far as I know, he hasn't covered her vagina with a poster of Rita Hayworth.

Christian then fingers Ana for a bit, getting her close, but not letting her climax. He then stands up, pops on a condom and stands at the end of the bed giving himself a posh wank while Ana watches him going to town on his 'impressive length' which I imagine is a similar size and girth as a lighthouse. Luckily his extraordinarily long fingers allow him to reach the end of his lighthouse lob-on.

Like a stupid kitten, Ana mewls at him, begging for him to slam into her. Christian obliges, takes a run-up and launches his cock headfirst into her. She describes it as an 'assault' but still comes the second he touches her. She then comes again. And again. And again when he asks her to. 

'Come on, Anastasia, again.' he growls through clenched teeth and unbelievably, my body responds, convulsing around him as I climax anew...' 

See...this is what I have to put up with. Now does it surprise you that I'd only want to write about this book once a week?

After he finishes himself off, Ana describes the sex as 'nice.' Probably not the word I'd use if a man pole vaulted into my vagina, but Ana does seem to have quite a limited vocabulary, so we'll let her off.

They then sit in Ana's room for a bit, making forced small talk.She gets all uppity that she's not allowed to talk to anyone about their relationship so Christian unwisely suggests that she talk to one of his previous Subs about what he's like. This goes to show how Christian has no concept of a proper relationship. He's suggesting that Ana goes to talk to someone who probably hates him. An ex is not the best person to go to if you want and honest and dignified insight into how brilliant Christian Grey is at sex. An ex is more likely to say 'My vagina is broken. He fucked me so hard that my Fallopian Tubes are now lodged in my throat.' Based on this silly exchange, Ana kicks him out, feeling like he's using her as somewhere to store his cum rather than someone he wants to have a relationship with.

Despite feeling horrible and used, Ana still cannot get enough of him and as soon as he leaves, she breaks down into a ball of emotion. Luckily, Kate is there to get Ana's opinion on how fantastic her tits are looking and then regaling her with tales about how brilliant Elliot is. Ana does get to speak for a little bit but basically just a few whimpers about how she's being used for sex.

Feeling like she's received a sufficient quota of compliments, Kate finally leaves Ana alone. She fires up her laptop and finds an e-mail from Christian, telling her that he's looking forward to receiving her suggestions for altering the contract (which he will then undoubtedly dismiss.)

Ana has a lot of problems with the contract. YOU GO GIRL!! In the e-mail, she develops so much girl power, she practically turns into a Spice Girl. Mundane Spice or Beige Spice or something. She doesn't want to be fisted or have genital clamps used on her, mainly because she doesn't understand what these words mean. She's also not pleased with the length of the contract, the hours he wants her to sleep, the diet he is suggesting or the exercise regime. Despite the number of ridiculous clauses in the contract, it's good to see that Ana is focused on the bits of the contract that don't have anything to do with sex. She also whines about the amount of time she has to spend with him, a sure sign of a strong relationship.

Christian replies a few seconds later, asking why she's still up. After Ana responds, he replies IN CAPITAL LETTERS TO SHOW THAT HE IS ANGRY. Ana sighs, thinking about how brilliant romance is and then puts herself to bed where she'll have very specific dreams about what has just taken place.

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Comments

  1. Yay! More 50 Shades of Dave! I'm so happy to read these posts. Keep 'em coming!

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    1. I'm back on it now so the posts will keep coming. Nearly halfway through the book. Once I get Chapter 13 out of the way, it's all downhill...but it probably won't get any easier!

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    2. In the absence of these posts I actually read the books. Yes, it really is all downhill from here!

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  2. So glad you changed your mind and decided to continue posting about/reading Fifty Shades. I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants. Literally.

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    1. Haha...amazing comment! If this was a movie, I'd put your pant peeing quote on the poster! Hopefully you'll wee yourself even more in the 14 chapters I've still got to read + blog about.

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  3. Lighthouse family, jack Bauer, syphilis, opposums, baby bird feeding regurgetation. How on earth do you find such a diverse range of things to make reference to? I can only imagine you have your own version of the family guy manatees going on in a fishtank on your desk! Keep up the great work. This blog is making me WANT to know what is going on in 50 shades. When I see girls reading it on the tube I catch myself wondering whether they've reached the vagina juice elevator surfing bit, or the gentlemen rapist bit. I will buy your book in gratitude for your efforts!

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    1. Haha...I have no idea what part of my brain comes up with the references but I'm glad that I read and watched so much stuff when I was younger! It does seems that EVERYONE is reading the book on the tube. I should really get a business card made up with the blog address!

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  4. Hands down, one of the funniest things I've read on the web in ages! Keep up the exquisite work, sir!

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    1. Thank you! I shall try my absolute hardest to keep ploughing away on the book.

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  5. No no no !!! I can't possibly have reached the end of your chapter blogs !! What will I do ? How will I fill my idle time at work ? Ugh ! This is bad.... Seriously though, your posts are the funniest thing ever ! I've read all three books and your posts are just the antidote one needs. I've actually had to put my head down on my desk because I was CRYING from laughing so hard. Please, keep up the awesome work. Thank u !

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    1. Haha...sorry for not managing to get the rest of the book up just yet. I have to mentally and physically prepare myself before each post. Thanks for checking the blog out + hopefully you'll be back for more!

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  6. Love this blog so much! In the nicest possible way, I hope you do continue to torture yourself with 50 Shades of Grey!

    You've given me so many laughs! I will continue to share this with the world!

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    1. Thanks for wishing pain, misery and unhappiness on me ;-) I cannot wait to smash through the next 14 chapters and then have a 50 Shades detox.

      Thanks also for sharing the blog!

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  8. Absolutely hilarious. As I personally shied away from reading these books myself, I'm glad I can still enjoy the awful yet amazing creation that is 50 Shades of Grey...with the addition of enlightening, witty, and fabulously critical commentary.
    Continue with your greatness. haha

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  9. You are a wonderful man. You know how most people that use "lol" online didn't actually laugh at all? I did. So much that I have tears streaming down my face. Stay strong Dave, we need you!

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  10. You, dear sir, are truly gifted. And I don't mean that in a Christian-Grey gifted kind of way! You're bloody funny! Particularly enjoy your descriptions of Grey's legendary girth.... ie "taking a run up and pole vaulting into her vagina". OMG, GOLD! Olympic GOLD! PS Question - do you find it surprising that your biggest fans are women?

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    1. I do find it a bit weird that the majority of people who read the blog and the biggest fans of the blog are women. I really started this whole project to give guys a ready-made opinion so that they could start talking to their wives/girlfriends again. Although I know that a bunch of guys read and enjoy the blog, I guess I shouldn't be surprised that women are enjoying it more. I think it's easier to enjoy the blog if you've read the book + can compare my thoughts to your opinions when reading it.

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    2. I fall into the category of one of the 7 women on the planet who haven't read the book! Thanks for saving me the effort. Keep up the great work.

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    3. It's a genuinely awful book so I don't understand why anyone would buy the second, let alone reccomend it to a friend (unless maybe you really, really hated them?!?) so how on earth have these become so popular??

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  11. "God smites EVERYONE who does not eat what they are told, wear what they are told or masturbates when they're not supposed to" ... not sure that's the sexy bible, sounds like the regular bible to me!

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  12. With all that vaulting and puddling wetness Ana is starting to resemble some sort of luge. Perhaps she could be known as Moist Spice which is usually when you haven't culled the old ingredients from your pantry for some time and the spice has formed some sort of unrecognizable brown lump. I share with you the following picture - because there is only one thing more insipid than Ana, it would be Kristen Stewart playing Ana.

    http://chelleinthecity.files.wordpress.com/2012/07/150237337539911493_mqpws9ea_c.jpg?w=300&h=210

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