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50 Shades of Grey Chapter 17 - 50 Shades of Movie References

Chapter 17 In Brief 

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Chapter 17 - My View 

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It's happened again. No...I haven't had another 50 Shades related breakdown, I've been sent another 2 pictures! This blog is starting to resemble a serial killer's art gallery rather than some writing about a book....but I wouldn't have it any other way. The pictures just show that you lovely people have just the same silly sense of humour that I do, and for that, I thank you!

Today's first offering comes from Lauren R. who claims to be 25 and a half, but based upon the rudimentary stick figures that she's drawn, I think she might have added 20 years onto her actual age. Lauren, you don't have to lie about your age to me. I'm not the police. Even if I was, what could I arrest you for? I don't think there is a law against terrifying drawings...and I don't think you've drawn the Prophet Mohammed, so you should be just fine.

The picture clearly shows a lady (Ana) being punched on the arse by a man (Christian.) He appears to be slapping her using Wolverine's hands. That'll probably sting in the morning, and also confirm why Ana's bum has been sliced off, leaving nothing but a bloody hole. Ana should be happy about that. When the wounds have healed, she'll have a lovely figure...much better than Kate's. While he's performing these unwanted body modifications, he might as well staple a couple of silicon bags onto Ana's chest. Although, when her milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, he'll only get jealous and rip her tits off again.

Ana's exclamation is very mild and middle-class, seeing as she doesn't have an anus any more. 'Oh, my!' is one step away from saying 'Golly-gosh!' or 'crumbs!' This sort of exclamation is to be expected from someone who drinks champagne with a teacup and saucer. Christian is clearly loving it and is using this scene as a sort of role play where he dresses up as people from his favourite movies. As well as Wolverine's hands, he's also gotten hold of the Saw doll's eyes, the Joker's mouth and Lindsay Lohan's hair, back from when she was a ginger. Basically, he's dressed himself up as people who are wretched and soulless...and Wolverine. GOLD STAR!!

The second drawing comes from Cate B...and it's an actual picture which must have taken longer than 20 seconds to draw. It's really quite beautiful and brought a tear to my (japs) eye. Thinking about it, japs eye is really quite racist. I promise not to use that term again (in this paragraph.)

Looking at the drawing, Cate is clearly a fan of the books and has wonderfully captured the relationship between Christian and Ana. Although it may look like a relatively innocent drawing (minus the huge cock resting on Ana's leg,) it actually paints quite a dark picture. For a start, Ana is asleep, but as Cate told me, she has been swiss-rolled up in the duvet so she cannot move. I don't know if being swiss-rolled is a soft limit or a hard limit but she's practically been mummified. Christian knows this, and the smile on his face suggests that Ana is going to wake up with an erection tapping her on the mouth. Luckily, she's already tied her hair up, so she's all set to give Christian a beej.

On the floor is what looks like Freddy Krueger's arm which Jason Voorhees ripped off in Freddy vs. Jason. As Christian is obnoxiously rich, he bought the arm and has been using it in his sex games. As the tips are red, it suggests that Ana has been getting fingered by Freddy. Ouch.

You will see that Ana's room resembles that of a toddler...apart from the fact that there is a man with a massive erection in the room. That only happens in Michael Jackson's house. The dolly and teddy bear give her a childlike quality which is referred to almost constantly in the book. The picture shows just how disturbing the scenario actually is, with a grown man looming over a childlike figure, poised to destroy her. For that reason, GOLD STAR!!

Time to start looking at Chapter 17 I think. I get the feeling that this will be a relatively short write up, mainly due to the fact that not a lot happens...

Picking up right where the last chapter ended, we find Ana lying in bed with Christian. Despite being a total dick about the sleeping arrangements, he has stayed the night. The only minor issue, and it is only a minor issue, is that he has somehow positioned himself so that he is suffocating Ana, slowly crushing the life out of her as if he's a handsome tree. After struggling out from under his limbs, Christian wakes up to discover that he's running late for a meeting. All that money and he can't even afford a decent alarm clock. I'm sure that Taylor could work as a human alarm clock, using his army experience to smash the door down, secure the building then evacuate Christian from the threat of Ana.

He dashes out without brushing his teeth, sorting his hair out, having a wash, having a wee or putting clean clothes. I get the feeling that Christian is actually incapable of these things without being looked after. This is why he got Ana to wash him in the bath. Although he spends all of his time pissing about in helicopters and cars, he can't do a wee without Taylor there to hold his willy for him. He's more or less Richie Rich but without Macaulay Culkin's charisma.

The second he leaves, Ana composes an e-mail to him where she shows that despite being a literature student, she doesn't really understand what some words mean. She asks Christian which euphemism she should apply to him hitting her. She lists 'spanked, punished, beat, assaulted me' as her euphemisms. As you will have been able to tell from this blog, my grasp of grammar and the English language is poor at best...but surely those words can not be considered euphemistic? Clever people...correct me if I'm wrong! The e-mail basically details the fact that Ana has no idea how she feels about being hit. I imagine that 'sore' would pretty much cover it.

Within 20 minutes, Christian replies and his page long e-mail can be condensed down to 'man up.' He really doesn't care that he's hurt her or left her feeling all baffled about whether she enjoyed it or not. You're probably thinking 'isn't Christian in a meeting?' The answer to that question is yes, he is in a meeting. A meeting about the futures market, if you really wanted to know...which you probably didn't. As we all know, he's not really in a meeting. The 'meeting' is just a cover story so that he can spend the next half hour threatening e-mailing Ana. She tells him that if she had any sense, she would have run away to Alaska. Christian then proves that he's watched Taken, telling her: 

'Alaska is very cold and no place to run. I would find you. I can track your cell phone - remember?' 

Despite quoting Taken, he clearly didn't pay much attention to the plot. Liam Neeson was trying to protect his daughter from the sex traffickers...if he did the same, he'd basically be hunting himself which would make for a very confusing, but mercifully short film.

Ana is understandably creeped out by this and suggests that he thinks about therapy. Christian tells her that he already has a therapist, Dr Flynn. Although their professions are spelt the same, it is easy to see who needs help. Dr Flynn is a therapist. Christian is the rapist.

After MORE SHOUTY CAPITALS, Ana leaves for her last date at work, driving her new car because she has been FORBIDDEN to drive a car that has served her perfectly well until this point. Her old Beetle also gave her a bit of a workout while she was driving it, being forced to actually turn the wheel and deal with vibrations once the car went over 20mph. In the Audi, Ana doesn't have to do anything. As the Beetle was her only form of exercise, she'll be getting chubby in no time. As she's not got to think about driving, Ana's mind wanders to Christian who 'has a 747 hold's worth of baggage.' She then ponders whether she should 'just lie back and embrace it?' The answer to that question is 'yes.' Ana will definitely be lying back and taking Christian's jumbo jet sized penis. All 200ft of it will disappear on a charter flight into the previously unexplored region of Ana's bottom.

At Clayton's, the day is dragging, but luckily Christian livens things up by sending yet another unwanted gift. This time, a BlackBerry. Thinking it's some fruit, she tries to eat it, before being slapped in the face by Mr Clayton who shows her how to operate it. Christian may as well have gotten her a Nokia 3310. She's not a businessman, so most of the features of the BlackBerry will be lost on her. At least a Nokia 3310 comes with Snake. The BlackBerry has come complete with a tracking device. Rather than being a small microchip in the phone, the tracking device is an actual man, assigned to follow Ana everywhere and monitor what she is doing at all times. How else will Christian know that she's not masturbating when she's away from him?

Arriving home, Ana receives ANOTHER e-mail from Christian, letting her know that she's due at Castle Greyskull on Sunday. Soon after, there is a knock at the door. It's Taylor. He's come to pick Ana's Beetle up. Even though the car is unsafe for Ana to drive, Taylor's life is of little concern to Christian as he has Tesla's machine from The Prestige back at the Castle. If Taylor should die, there will be a replica to take his place. While he's there, Ana passes up the opportunity to ask him about Christian. All Taylor says is 'He's a good man, Miss Steele.' That doesn't really answer anything and given Christian's penchant for stalkerish tendencies, I wouldn't be surprised if he has someone following Taylor, ensuring that he doesn't give anything away. He'll also have someone following the person who's following Taylor...and so on...and so on... Ana does wonder whether Taylor has signed a Non-Disclosure Agreement as well, but as far as I know, Taylor is has not been inducted into the PlayWomb, so there probably isn't any need to make him sign a sex contract or an NDA.

That night something AMAZING happens:


Hooray!!! Everyone's favourite little stereotype is back. This time he's brought beers, which are probably laced with Rohypnol. That cheeky little Mexican...he's like the Wile.E.Coyote of raping.

Partway through the evening, Elliot comes over. Within minutes, he's practically bumming Kate on the sofa so Ana suggests a trip to the bar with José. HAVE YOU LEARNT NOTHING?? What's worrying is that when Ana makes the suggestions, José 'nods frantically.' I don't know if you've ever seen anyone nodding frantically, but it would look FUCKING TERRIFYING. On the way to the bar, Ana once again slips her arm through his and they have a chat about the future. When asked if he'll visit her in Seattle, José responds with 'Try and stop me.' Something tells me that the Mexican juggernaut will take some stopping, especially where Ana is concerned.

Ana returns home late after being forcefully touched up by José on their way home from the bar. There is an e-mail waiting for her from Christian. As he's painfully needy, he has also called her 5 times and left a voicemail. I lose track of where Christian is at any given moment, but I think he's currently in Seattle. I don't know why that should stop him from strapping on a jetpack and dragging Ana out of the bar by her hair? She decides to call him back, thinking that 'He'd probably like to beat seven shades of shit out of me.' For Ana, that is now a normal thought and the fact that she's resigned to being beaten up just goes to show how much control Christian has over her and how little self-respect she has left. They have a short, snippy conversation before retiring for the night.

The next day, they're at their new apartment in Seattle. Elliot is helping them to move in and does a bunch of DIY jobs around the house. Trying to usurp his brother, Christian sends over a bottle of Champagne and a stupid balloon of a helicopter. He's basically saying that although Elliot is there to help out and behaves like a decent person, Christian has a helicopter and NOBODY BETTER FORGET THAT. What a total dick. He's acting like a stayaway parent, lavishing his children with gifts in lieu of actual love and time together.

Sunday finally rolls around and Ana drives to Castle Greyskull in her Audi. At the door she's met by Taylor, playing the part of Beastman.Christian has also arranged for Evil Lyn to have a look at her vagina and prescribe some form of medication. He also invites Ana to join the Grey family for dinner. I get the feeling that it's all going to turn a but 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre.' We'll find out if I'm right very soon!

Have a lovely Bank Holiday weekend!

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  1. Amazing. I, like Christian, am now rather late for a meeting though this is due to laughing for too long at chapter 17...

    Also, I'm so so excited that I got a Gold Star for my picture! Just wondering if I could use that on my CV? Cate x

  2. only knocking seven shades of shit out of Ana sounds quite mild...he's not really fulfilling his contractual obligation if it's not 50, surely?x

  3. I am loving your blog- cant stop laughing! If you think book 1 is ridiculous wait until you read 2 and 3....
    I'm ashamed to say that I have read them- was curious to know how this ridiculous story would end!

    1. Start a blog, so that the disinterested reader can vicariously share in the awfulness of all this.


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