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Before I Start...

As with every book, there is a lot of guff to get through before you get to the bit you're interested in. If I'm going to read the whole thing, it's only fair to start with the front cover.

By now, you'll probably know, the front cover is basically just a picture of a nondescript grey tie. Based on what I know, I assume Mr Grey wears a tie when he goes to work...however I'm hoping that somewhere in the book there is a hilarious strangle-wank death involving a tie. It might also be the implement I use to hang myself if this book becomes too unbearably awful. Hopefully I'll make it to at least Chapter 2. Speaking of...THERE ARE 26 CHAPTERS. I found this out when I was Tweeting my friend Matt: 

Matt: How long do you reckon before you turn into a lady?
Dave: I think I am going to become 4% more feminine with each chapter that I read. There are 25 chapters. Crap.
Matt: you may need to skip a chapter so your bits don't fall off!
Dave: I got it wrong. There are 26 chapters! I'm going to be 104% female. 
Matt: does that mean you go through and out the other side? Does it reset? Or will you become a whole new gender entirely?
Dave: Oh goodness... I thought all I had to do was read a book. It's just become MUCH more sinister. Is it too late to abort?
Matt: yes. You're committed. You have a blog.

He was right! I DO have a blog. From what I understand, having a blog is basically an unbreakable contract. I have committed to this despite wanting to pull out (not a euphemism) when I'd reached the contents page.

Next up we have a helpful little bit of information, telling us that this is a work of fiction. I've not paid any attention to this bit in books before, mainly because it's utterly boring. I wonder if this has to be written in ALL books, just to avoid any confusion? I hope it's at the start of Harry Potter, just to confirm to simpletons that it is not a wizard's autobiography.

There is also a little bit about E L James. Say what you want about the book, but it's impressive for her to self publish a series of books which have become such a massive hit. The series has got people reading and talking. I get the feeling that the book has become popular with people who read hundreds of books as well as people who aren't regular readers. For a writer, if you can get non-readers into your books, there can't be much of a bigger compliment. She's also got 1 man to buy her book. E L James, spend my £2.69 wisely. Don't spend it on a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey like I did.

The introduction to E L James seemed to have been written by Destiny's Child during their Independent Woman phase. It's all a bit 'HEY...E L James is a woman JUST LIKE YOU! She's got a career, kids AND writes books. YOU can do it too!' As a man, I got nothing from it apart from a feeling that I should turn the page quickly before a high-heel flew out of my Kindle and kicked me in the nuts.

Following the intro, I got a bit excited by 7 words:

' For Niall the master of my universe'

Obviously a He-Man reference. Right now, I wish more than anything that this book is jam-packed with nods to He-Man.
He-Man's sword: phallic
If Christian Grey's house is not called Castle Grey-Skull I am going to be PISSED.

This bit has turned out to be much longer than I expected...chapter 1 might not be up until tomorrow...

Follow me on Twitter: @dvdjmskng


  1. I hope it's at the start of Harry Potter, just to confirm to simpletons that it is not a wizard's autobiography.

    It has to be at the start of every book, for there are so many simpletons out there.

    I have no intention of reading this book, so I am interested in your review and especially in the effects it will have on your brain... and other things.

  2. He-Man must have read 50 Shades a few times, because he's more than 104% female. (He Man - What's Going On - High Quality (Four Non Blondes)).


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