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50 Shades of Grey Chapter 26 - 50 Shades of ITSFINALLYFUCKINGOVER!!

Chapter 26 in Brief

Bland non-events occur. Everyone is dissatisfied.



Chapter 26 - My View

So, all good things must come to an end. Having said that, all really SHIT things must also come to an end. In fact, everything must come to an end. Even you. Especially you.


Speaking of endings, the Twilight Saga recently finished. As I am the best husband that my wife has ever had, I went to see Twilight with her, knowing that it's basically 50 Shades, but with shiny Vampires and big wet dogs. If Twilight is the source material for 50 Shades, I feel severely let down. By comparison, Twilight was awesome! After watching Breaking Dawn Part 2, I was hoping that the following things would happen in Chapter 26:


1. A grown man would fall in love with a digitally animated baby.

2. EVERYONE'S heads fall off.
3. They realise it's all a dream.
4. Bella and Edward Ana and Christian (along with all of their friends) have highly specific, unique super powers that assist them in some sort of a battle.

Do you know how many of those points do show up? NONE OF THEM.


I have now read the whole of 50 Shades. It's taken me nearly 6 months, but I've read the whole thing. In fact, I've read each chapter around 3 times, so I probably know the book better than most people. If you think you're a 50 Shades fan, I will happily challenge you to a 50 Shades trivia contest. Do you know what? I will win. Not only that, I will delight in pointing out exactly where you made your mistakes and why you're such a FUCKING IDIOT. I will then take a look at my life and wonder how it ever got to a point where I'm holding make-believe quizzes about things I don't care about with people I've invented in my head.

Right...I've probably insulted most of you already, so if you're still reading, lets crack on with the final chapter!


We reenter the mundane world of Ana and Christian to find that Ana is once again having a dream. As Dream Ana is just as clumsy as Real Ana, she falls down some stairs, with Dream Christian standing at the top of the stairs, giggling and sticking a MASSIVE middle finger up at her, his long fingers making him look as if he's wearing a foam hand that he bought when he went to watch Gladiators back in the mid 1990's.


Foam Hands: The same size as Christian's actual hand.
Unsurprisingly, Christian is not in the bed, even though it's 5am, so Ana goes to look for him. At this point, I got a strong feeling of déjà vu as she once again finds him at the piano, just like she did a few chapters ago. In fact, every single chapter has given me déjà vu as the same thing happens again and again and again. In case you've not been paying attention so far, here is a the entire plot of the book:

TALKING STALKING DIOS MIO MOTHERFUCKERS KIDNAP SEX CONTRACT SEX CONTRACT SEX CONTRACT OUCHSEX CONTRACT SEX SEX CRY CRY STALKING PERIODSEX BOOHOO OWWW


I don't know if the publishers of 50 Shades are reading this...but if you are, feel free to use my synopsis for future marketing purposes.


Creeping up to Christian, Ana has the realisation that he is NAKED 'though I know he's wearing his PJ bottoms.' So...he's not naked is he Ana?



NEWSFLASH
We are ALL naked under our clothes.

I feel that the main benefit of wearing clothes is that is stops us from being naked. Quite frankly, I don't want to see your dangly bits as I walk down the road any more than you want to see my dangly bits and it is through the invention of clothes that we can prevent this from happening. Aren't clothes brilliant?


After gazing at naked partially clothed Christian for a little too long, Ana creeps over to him, only to be admonished for being out of bed. Clearly Christian has no concept of noise and is cross with Ana that she is awake, despite the fact that he is the person making a racket. If Ana has any sense she'll play an Alphorn beside his head when he's next asleep to see how he likes being woken up to terrible music.


Alphorn: What noise is it making? I'm guessing PPFFFHHHEEERRRTTTT
She listens to him finish the piece before asking what he was playing. 'Chopin. Opus 28, number 4. In E minor, if you're interested.' he condescendingly tells her. Oh fuck off Christian. You love Toxic by Britney Spears. You have the musical tastes of a drunk Mum on a Hen Party and no amount of talking about Chopin in unnecessary detail will make us forget that fact.

He then plays another sad piece of music, just in case Ana was in any doubt that he is a tortured soul. To get away from the misery that is flowing out of the piano, Ana excuses herself to go and attempt an overdose using her oral contraceptives, washed down with her own tears.


After clumsily dropping the pills all over the floor, Ana returns to discover that Christian wants some morning sex whereas she's rather have a chat about the contract. This little scenario pretty much sums up the book. From this point, we're either going to get some gurning, thrusting sex followed by ANOTHER 20 page dissection of the contract OR some contract chat first (which will no doubt anger Christian) followed by some angry sex which is punctuated with the sounds of Ana's screams. Either option sounds fucking boring.


For once, Ana takes charge, despite Christian offering up some piano sex where Ana's tits will slap against the keys, somehow playing Greensleeves as he smashes her backdoors in. She tells him that before anything happens, they need to straighten out what is expected from her in the contract and how their relationship will develop.


They then say the word 'Moot' too much. Here is an actual section from the book:


'Will, I think the contract is moot, don't you?' His voice is love and husky, his eyes soft.

'Moot?'
'Moot.' He smiles. I gape at him quizzically.
'But you were so keen.'
'Well, that was before. Anyway, the rules aren't moot, they still stand.'

MOOT MOOT MOOT MOOT MOOT MOOT MOOT MOOT MOOT MOOT MOOT MOOT MOOT MOOT MOOT MOOT MOOT MOOT MOOT MOOT MOOT MOOT MOOT MOOT MOOT MOOT MOOT


HEY EVERYONE, I'VE LEARNED A NEW WORD AND I'M GOING TO USE IT TO A RIDICULOUS DEGREE!!


The word 'MOOT' is used so much in that section that I still have no idea what they're talking about.


What then follows is an intolerably dull and confusing section where Ana and Christian talk about the contract and I daydream about the good old days when this book was more than people squabbling about how much a woman is going to eat. I've read the section a few times, and to be honest, I neither know nor care about what Christian is asking Ana to do. I get the feeling that he wants to be able to punch her really hard ALL of the time.


Just like me, Ana hasn't got a clue what he's going on about anymore, so he dashes off to get the contract....at 5:45am. If you needed more proof that this is the worst relationship in the history of the written word, then a man producing a contract at 5:45am is surely the defining moment. I can't even do a wee in a straight line at 5:45am, let alone have the wherewithal to enter complex contract negotiations. I'm sure that women who have read this book are happy to ignore bullshit like this...or their relationships are so terrible that being acknowledged at any point during the day would be welcomed. If I have just described your relationship...GET OUT OF IT!! I never anticipated that this blog would end up as a form of counselling, but Christian Grey is just the WORST.


While Christian is off fussing about the contract, Ana downs more pills as a fuzzy head is the only way she'll make it through the tedium of discussing sex with Christian. He eventually returns and for the 9 millionth billionth time, I get to read the contract. I can confirm that it hasn't gotten any more exciting and the fact that it is STILL being discussed in the final chapter show just how little the plot has progressed since Chapter 11 when he first whipped it out. I promise that's not a euphemism...but it might be...


Once again, the ENTIRE CONTRACT is copied out, only this time the 'Food' section is crossed out. This now means that Ana can eat what she wants but she still has to wear the clothes Christian has bought for her, sleep for a prescribed amount of time, wax her vagina, exercise when she's told, not drink excessively and generally give up all sense of individuality and self worth.


Looking at the preposterous contract once more, Ana rolls her eyes, then, as it's the last chapter, follows it up with a bit of lip biting. DOUBLE COMBO SUPER MOVE!! NEW HIGH SCORE!! As we know by now (because we are reminded in every chapter,) Christian finds it despicable when Ana rolls her eyes or bites her lip. Now that she's performed both moves within a matter of seconds, Christian is ready to destroy the world and everything in it...starting with Ana.


Thinking quickly, she puts the table between them, continuing to bite her lip and roll her eyes at the same time. I can't imagine that this is a particularly alluring look and probably makes Ana look like she's just ingested 4kg of Heroin and is now trying to eat her own face off.


Proving that Ana and Christian are in a loving relationship, full of mutual respect and trust, he 'stalks' and 'lunges' at her. Before you start getting all worried, there is nothing wrong with a man stalking and lunging at a woman in his own home while he says things like '...I will get you and it will just be worse for you when I do.' as if he's starring in a more polite, but rapier version of Taken.


After dancing around the table for a little longer, with Christian increasing the threat to sexually assault Ana, she tells him that *GASP* she doesn't much care for being beaten. Christian tries to understand Ana's point of view for 2 nanoseconds before telling her 'I want to hurt you.' and refusing to justify his statement, deciding that the best course of action is to kiss Ana on the mouth so that neither of them will have to do any more talking.


Rather than running the fuck away, Ana asks him to show her how much he wants to hurt her, like a slug deliberately pouring salt over itself, just for a laugh. In the previous chapter, Christian repeatedly cracked a whip on her on the clit...and he's warning that he wants to hurt her more. This is not going to end well. If Ana does die, would that be classed as euthanasia? If I was her, caught up in this miserable situation, I think that death would probably seem like a fairly good option.


Christian grabs her and marches her to the Playwomb which may well turn into more of a Playtomb (MEGALOLZ!!) for Ana. He bends her over a bench before deciding on an arbitrary number of times that he's going to hit her. As we discovered in a previous chapter, Christian makes everything up as he goes along and his rules are only in place to keep Ana compliant. It seems that he has a tally chart in his head, and each misdemeanor is worth a certain amount of hits. In this case, saying 'yes' and running from him equals 6 hits. Mocking his drab grey clothes equals 4 hits. Having an opinion equals 20 hits. Offering to pay for something, therefore emasculating Christian, equals 100 hits. You get the idea...


Acting as if he's Blofeld explaining his plan for world domination, Christian wanders around, telling Ana that as he hits her, she is to count along. I don't know about you, but this wasn't how I was taught to count at school.


Blofeld: GET THE FUCK ON WITH IT!!
He then starts to smash her on the bum with a belt, each hit tearing into Ana's skin. I don't quite know what Christian is getting out of this. The rules in the contract are so fussy and all relate to Ana looking her best at all times...yet by smacking her on the ass a ridiculous number of times, he's only helping to make her look terrible. After he's finished, she'll be bleeding out of her anus and have  snotty nose. Is that really a good look? I don't think Christian realises that Ana is supposed to be his girlfriend and that what he's doing will only make her look less attractive. Would he smear shit over the walls of his house? Of course not. Would he petrol bomb his own car? Definitely not. Would he hire Nick Leeson to manage his account? Only if he developed an intense hatred of money. So WHY THE FUCK is he hitting Ana? She's YOUR girlfriend. If YOU hit her, YOU are only succeeding in making her look worse.

After the beating has finished, Ana runs out of the room, swearing at Christian, looking like she's part human, part funny monkey with a red anus.


Macaques: Pictured after spending time in the Playwomb.
Rather than taking the opportunity to run far FAR away, Ana heads to 'her' room where she contemplates life with a normal man, like Paul or José. As we discovered in the previous chapter, all men are basically sexual predators, but in comparison to Christian, a bit of cheeky, well-meaning rape from Paul or José is better than an angry pummeling from Christian.

Lying in the bed, feeling a bit mopey, Ana hears the door open. It's obviously going to be Christian. Only he would arrogantly stroll uninvited into a room. The only other people in the house are Mrs Jones who is probably doing some good honest woman's work and Taylor, but as Christian's faithful companion, he probably doesn't have opposable thumbs, so opening a door will be beyond him.


Opposable thumbs: Proof that humans are better than dogs.
Lying down beside her, Christian brings paracetamol and bum cream, assuming that he will be able to make it up to Ana by giving her a slightly damp bum and some minor, ineffective pain relief. It would have been better if he'd have driven a DeLorean through the wall and then generated the 1.21 Gigawatts required to take them back in time, before this sorry mess unfolded. You'd think that with all of his money, that would be a piece of piss, but instead he turns up with an apologetic face and some items from Poundland.

After an absolute eternity, Ana turns to look at him and IMMEDIATELY falls back in love with 'his beautiful face.' Are men beautiful? It seems like a strange choice of words. I know that men can be handsome, rugged or suave...but beautiful? This calls for a GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH. Amuse yourself for 10 minutes while I look at pictures of men.


...........

...........
...........
...........
..........

So, it turns out that Ana is correct. Men can be beautiful, but only if they're called Tom Hardy. I think I spent a little too long looking at pictures of him. I might need a wash before I can continue....


OK...back to the story.


As we reach the exciting climax of the book, Ana and Christian are lying perfectly still on a bed. Aren't books great. Not only can they transport you to fantastical lands and places you've always dreamed about, they can also plonk you in the middle of a domestic situation where the feeling of misery has been distilled and spread out over a few pages.


For the first time ever, Ana opens up to Christian while he's in the same room. She concedes that she's can never be what he wants, but that she loves him. Rather than a tender, understanding response, Christian recoils as if Ana has just suggested that she spanks him, muttering 'You can't love me Ana. No...that's wrong.'


What follows is an utterly boring conversation where they both say the same thing about a billion times, just in case we were in any doubt that they are incompatible. When I was making my notes, I'd stopped caring by this point and wrote:



So...yeah...ummm...cunt.

By the time they've realised they're not a good match, I've read over 99% of the book. I feel that this issue could have been addressed a lot earlier which would have left me a lot more time to do other things, specifically, NOT READ 50 SHADES OF GREY.


The conversation ends with Ana and Christian agreeing to go their separate ways. I guess this is the exciting climax, unless all of Christian's previous Submissives are about to burst in with machine guns. Based upon what I know of this book so far, that is unlikely.


FINALLY realising that Christian is not capable of giving or receiving love, Ana asks him to leave and she quickly showers and changes, getting ready to leave the room for the final time. Before walking out, she leaves him a note, along with the present that she bought when she was visiting her Mum spending time in Atlanta with Christian. I was worried that the present would be something horrifying, like a Polariod photo of her blood on Christian's sheets after he took her virginity...but it's actually just a model of a Blahnik L23 glider. Now, I know for a FACT that when Ana and Christian were in Atlanta, they spent very little time apart, so I was wondering just how Ana had managed to find the time to buy a Blahnik L23 glider model kit. She couldn't have had much time to buy the model kit, so it's fair to assume that they are widely available and picking one up would be just as easy as buying a pint of milk or loaf of bread. If you hold this opinion, you are an IDIOT. I did some research on Blahnik L23 glider model kits...and by 'research,' what I really mean is that I looked on Google. Here is what Google has to say about the model kits:



1 result. ONE. RESULT. Ana is a liar. She's basically just got a sheet of paper, made a paper aeroplane and written 'Blahnik L23 Glider' on the side in crayon.

Walking back into the living area, she finds Christian doing some shouting about the unspecific business that he's involved in. It turns out that a woman has gone missing as Christian's last statement before hanging up is 'Find her.' It's possible that he's talking about Ana, in which case, finding her will prove to be easy. She's standing right behind him. If he's not talking about Ana, it only helps to add weight to my theory that Christian is definitely involved in sex trafficking. Missing women is not something that people in normal jobs should be worried about.


Ignoring his potty mouth, she places the BlackBerry, Mac and car keys on the counter, refusing to take them with her...mainly because they will all be jam-packed with listening devices and ways to track her every move. If she wanted to be sure that she's clear of tracking devices, she'll need to get completely naked then giddily shake herself to see if anything falls out of a crevice or crack in her body.


Refusing to take any of the items with her, Ana asks for the money that Taylor got for her old Beetle. Seizing the opportunity to try to impress her one last time, Christian gives her a cheque for 4 million dollars and tells her that he got a good price for it because it's a vintage model. Ana decides not to argue, and heads towards the lift, with Taylor waiting to take her home.


Looking back one last time, she sees a broken man, who will likely stay devastated for at least 3 minutes until he finds another woman to slap about. He's Christian FUCKING Grey for goodness sake. All he'd have to do is go on Twitter, write 'Sex? Escala? Now?' and he's have a billion women climbing over each other, looking like a Zombie horde...but with more estrogen, lipstick and femidoms.


Back in her apartment, the realisation of what has just happened hits Ana, and she once again blames herself for bringing on the hurt. The only item in the room which connects her to Christian is a foil balloon of Charlie Tango which he bought her. The book ends with Ana clutching the balloon to her chest, on the precipice of tears.

TAKE THAT YOU FUCKING BOOK!

Now, it's fair to say that I haven't discovered very much by reading this book. However, I have learnt one important piece of advice that I will leave you with. Buy your partner an aviation trinket. Christian bought Ana the helicopter balloon and she bought him a glider model. With that in mind, I'm off to buy my wife a scale model of the Hindenberg. If the book is to be believed, she'll LOVE it! 

It's time for me to go now. 

Thank you for reading this blog.
Thank you for sharing it with others people.
Thank you for following me on Twitter and keeping me amused with your comments, kind words and Tweets.
Thank you for your e-mails.
Thank you for your pictures.
Thank you for leaving comments.
Thank you to EL James for creating the characters that have allowed me to have so much fun.
Thank you to my beautiful wife for putting up with me throughout this silly project.

Even though I've written about the book, it's you guys who have made it what it is. Without each one of you, this blog would just be an angry man smashing his fists into a keyboard. 

If anyone is interested, my next project will be a book about summer camp. It promises to be similarly silly, so if you'd like to keep up to date with what is going on, follow me on Twitter -


I think that only thing left to say is:

DIOS MIO MOTHERFUCKERS!!

Love,

- Dave


xoxo

Comments

  1. Hilarious as always! :)

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  2. Will miss this blog, but looking forward to your future endeavors!

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  3. Thank you Dave!!!! You are the antidote to Christian grey. please please please read the last two chapters of the last book. You will just crap yourself laughing. But perhaps you need a break first. All the best. Cath

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  4. Sad to see this finishing!
    But yes, read some of the last book...maybe the first and last chapters...

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  5. Thanks for sticking with this pile of tosh to the bitter end, Dave, I haven't read anything as funny in ages and I look forward to your next project...and remain convinced I have missed nothing by not reading such badly written abusive fiction. happy non-grey Christmas x

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  6. Most chucklesome! Thanks for the giggles and I look forward to the next two books!

    I'm waiting. Literally. No, really.

    I'm sitting here, staring at the screen and pressing the refresh button every at periodic intervals...


    ReplyDelete
  7. every? Dammit, must learn to proof read...

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  8. PLEASE read the next two books.

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  9. When will you blog about Darker and Freed?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sadly my time with 50 Shades has come to an end. I very much enjoyed blogging about it...but I've run out of swearwords.

      I'm hoping to release the blog as a free e-book in the near future with a bit of extra content + rewritten sections. Follow me on Twitter @50hadesDave for more info.

      I'll probably put up a new blog post when it's ready!

      Delete
  10. Dave, thank fuck for men like you. Let's fight the bullshit together.

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  11. Awww, it makes me sad that you dont want to follow up with Darker and Freed :( The 50train wreck only gets more abysmal.

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  12. This 50 Shades of Grey Chapter is really one of my favorite, your blog is really great. I 'll be waiting for the your blog for Darker and Freed.

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  13. Ha ha, I love this! Now I'm going to shamelessly plug my parody of Fifty Shades- Fifty Hues of Hairy Legs and Morning Breath http://www.amazon.co.uk/Fifty-Hues-Hairy-Morning-Breath/dp/1908462051

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  14. I should warn you that a link to this blog was posted on the IMDb 50 Shades of Grey discussion board with a request for fans to come a "refute" your reviews. Just thought I should give you a "heads up" before the invasion of crazy.

    ReplyDelete

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