I’m officially a grown-up. I know this because a few weeks ago I was sitting in a pub talking about books with my wife and friends, Poli and Jon. When I was younger I would not talk about books…especially not in a pub. Why talk about books when you can chat about your mate’s friend who drank a pint of his own sick or who’d win in a fight between Robocop and Terminator.
The book we were talking about was Fifty Shades of Grey. My wife had read it, as had my friend Poli. Jon and I had not read it and had no plans to. Despite the fact that both women had read it, neither of them was prepared to say anything about it apart from ‘Oohh…it’s very rude’ or *gasp* 'I can’t tell you that.’ They then proceeded to communicate through a series of coded conversations, winks, coy giggles and raised eyebrows. Getting anything out of them was as tough as getting a baby to explain why it likes ‘Peek-A-Boo.’ It too will communicate with gurgles and giggles, but it won’t tell you anything because it’s just a stupid baby without the capacity for rational speech or thought. This book had turned my wife and Poli into stupid babies. It has probably turned you into a stupid baby too.
After a fair bit of probing (not a euphemism,) Jon and I managed to find out that in the book there was a contract. It’s basically a sex contract which the women have to sign. That was pretty much all we were allowed to know. I did ask if there was any bumming, but that was met with silence. According to the girls if we wanted to know more we would have to read it ourselves.
I’ve not yet started Fifty Shades…but I will do very soon. Here’s what I know so far.
- There is a man called Christian Grey…and there are fifty shades of him...or something. Every woman in the world finds him irresistible despite the fact that he’s made up of words and your imagination.
- There is a contract which may or may not include bumming.
- It was written by E.L. James. She’s basically that woman in your office who you tolerate but every day she’ll forward you an e-mail with the subject: 'FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: LOLLOLLOLOLOLLOLOLLOLLOL!!!!’ This e-mail will contain endless GIF’s of dancing cats or sparkly rainbows. You hate her for that.
- 94% of women in the world have read Fifty Shades and for 74% it is the first book that they’ve read since leaving school. Just to clear up any confusion, a gossip magazine is not a book.
- It’s essentially porn. I am probably going to encounter words and phrases like ‘throbbing,’ ‘smooth shaft,’ ‘thrusting’ and ‘you may as well pop your whole fist up me.’
- This blog is going to make me sound like a MASSIVE sexist. Fuck you Fifty Shades of Grey. Fuck. You.
Since the book came out I am convinced that no one who has read it has managed to have a conversation that doesn't allude to 'the contract' and EVERYTHING has become an innuendo relating to something that Christian Grey has done. In short, you've become fucking boring. So…I've taken it upon myself to read 50 Shades of Grey, partly to see what is making you all giddy...and partly to see what we men are missing out on.
I’ll be reading the first chapter tomorrow.
Wish me luck…
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