50 Shades of Grey Trailer Breakdown Pt.2

50 Shades of Grey: The Trailer - In Brief

2 minutes 25 seconds of a woman looking quite scared.
50 Shades of Grey: The Trailer - My View

50 Shades promotes itself as a romance. The tender story of a dowdy woman being swept off her feet and anally punished by a brooding, troubled bajillionaire. You may not agree with Christian's actions towards Ana, but just remember...he's had a difficult past. From what I understand, having a tough upbringing gives Christian the right to do whatever he wants, and the freedom to ensnare Ana in a 'relationship' where she constantly has to lie to herself, pretending that everything is OK. In the minds of 50 Shades fans, this troubling situation represents true love. The sort of love to which we should all aspire.

Amongst all of the horrid antics, belittling behaviour, controlling relationships, stalking, suggested rape and ENDLESS pages of contracts, the book is littered with sex scenes. Shagging on a bed. Shagging in a bath. Shagging in a naughty sex dungeon. MORE shagging on a bed.

To summarise: SHAGGINGSHAGGINGSHAGGINGSHAGGINGSHAGGINGSHAGGINGSHAGGING!!

This explains why your Mum loves the book so much.

You would think that the endless, repetitive and monotonous fucking would put most people off sex for life, especially when faced with scenes like this

'Pulling off his boxer briefs, his erection springs free. Holy cow! He kneels up and pulls a condom onto his considerable length. Oh no...Will it? How?'

The quote above is actually taken from the book. I didn't just make it up for fun. I'm sure you'll agree that there's nothing sexier than a woman wondering how a man is going to stuff his penis inside her, and referring to a cock as a 'considerable length', as if she's at a hardware store, buying some flooring.

So yeah, 50 Shades is a book about contracts and sex. Lots and LOTS of sex. Is the trailer going to be filled with admin, followed by a woman looking quizzical, working out the logistics of how to cram a penis into one (or all) of her orifices?

Let's find out!!

Oh, if you want to watch the trailer...USE GOOGLE. I'm not doing everything for you.



The trailer opens up with a close-up of Ana's face, looking slightly pensive, head bowed, with a shirt that looks like the wallpaper in a stately home. In less than 1 second, you can see that Ana is utterly meek and subservient. Just bear in mind that she is one of the main characters. If you watch the film, you'll be spending a LOT of time with her lifeless form. At this point, she's just driven 165 MILES to go and interview a man who she's never heard of. Despite having no journalistic skills, Ana also has no obvious personality skills. This is going to go well...



A generic Fembot leads Ana down a hallway, stopping just outside Christian's office. For some reason, Ana is dressed like a pre-pubescent schoolchild, despite being a 21yr old college student. The Fembot looks down on Ana, feeling sorry for her, clearly believing that Ana is in need of an upgrade from Windows '95 to the latest Mac OS. The Fembot's neural net processor isn't able to recognise meek females just yet.



The trailer then cock teases (or cunt teases?) us for about 20 seconds with images of Christian wafting around his office while a voiceover from a drunk girl (probably Kate) says 'WAAH WAZZEEE LYKE?'



Sitting down behind his desk, it's clear that Christian doesn't do any work. His laptop is shut, he's taken the time to perfectly line up some pencils...and his phone probably isn't plugged in. The ENTIRE office is an illusion, created specifically so that he can have sex with one girl. Rather than this elaborate operation, Christian should just head to any Yates's Wine Lodge where he will be inundated with slags who will get their tits out for a WKD Blue.



After a billion hours of looking at his suit, his hands, his watch, his arms and his back...we finally get to see Jamie Dornan as Christian Grey. Anyone else slightly underwhelmed? He looks a bit like a bouncer from a regional nightclub. Jamie Doorman.



We then get to see a few of my favourite characters, Mexican sex pest, Jose, who Christian clearly hates...



...and Christian's loyal companion, Taylor, who Christian clearly hates.



Interestingly (in the loosest sense of the word,) the movie is coming out on Valentine's Day. The day of love. If you have a husband/boyfriend/fuck buddy, why not suggest taking them to see 50 Shades on Valentine's Day. See what happens. I'm guessing that you'll find yourself without a husband/boyfriend...or even a fuck buddy. This is not a case of a man exerting control over a relationship. It is a case of a man showing common sense, and keeping you away from a dark room full of lonely women, fingering themselves in the cinema on Valentine's Day. Trust me...you'll thank him for it. If nothing else, you won't be able to hear the movie above the sound of squelching and moaning.



'SLURPSLURPSLOBBERSQUELCH!!' In a scene that looks more like an assault, than a first kiss, Christian presses his thumbs into Ana's temples SO hard that all brain functions cease to exist. Here, we are expected to believe that Christian has bottled up his feelings for Ana, finally exploding with lust. Jamie Dormant.



After that, the trailer slips into 80's montage, backed by Beyonce guffing on about being crazy in love. We see helicopters! Pianos! Grey Clothes! Running! Attempted Sexual Assaults! A Family! Attempted Fingering at a Dinner Table! Throughout the trailer, Ana pulls this face...



Just in case you were wondering, this is the face of someone who is in love. Look at the fear in her eyes. That. Is. Love. Look at the worried expression. That. Is. Love. Look at the miserable mouth. That. Is Love. It definitely isn't the face of a woman trapped in a relationship, who is being violated at the dinner table in front of her new 'boyfriend's' family.



Finally, we get to the money shot, seeing Christian with his top off, wearing 'those' jeans and showing off his abs. This is the part of the trailer where fangirls start acting like they've never seen a man wearing jeans before. J'aime Dornan.

Christian basically looks like a Rugby lad who has just taken part in an initiation whilst on a night out. Undoubtedly there would have been some TOP BANTS and the initiation would have involved drinking beer out of a team mates asscrack...or something else equally homoerotic. To prove my point, look at what happens when you insert Christian into a group of Rugby LADS



Have you managed to spot Christian yet? Probably not. This is because he seamlessly blends in amongst the other beery Rugby bellends.

Throughout the trailer, there is a lot of staring and meaningful glances. As we know from the book, Christian and Ana don't really communicate, aside from discussing the finer points of the appendices in the sex contract. The trailer packs a number of silent stares into its brief 2 minutes 25 seconds. Out of the 2 minutes 25 seconds, roughly 3/4 is taken up with staring. Assuming that the film is going to be 2 hours long, we can look forward to 90 minutes of silent staring.



We then get a little glimpse into the Christian Grey Room of Genital Destruction where Ana makes a 'WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?' face. Arms crossed, looking defensive and uncomfortable, with an expression of fear on her face. To Christian, these are all signs that she's definitely into punishment and that saying 'NO!' is basically the same thing as saying 'YES!' To him, it's all just semantics.

By now, you will have noticed that Christian Grey has the same pouty little face in every screenshot. He doesn't look like much of a laugh. Jamie DourMan.



We then get to see a few whips and chains, before ending on a shot of Ana, tied up and blindfolded, probably having some form of implement inserted into her bumhole. Beyonce then breathes 'Uh oh uh oh...oh no no no no.' Beyonce helpfully sums up my feelings towards the trailer and the film in general. Lots of 'Uh oh' and plenty of 'Oh no no no NO!'

So...that's it. The trailer is truly awful...but I wasn't expecting anything else.

The one big surprise was the total lack of bums, tits and willies. For a book that sells itself on the sex scenes, I was expecting a Red Band trailer to go alongside the tame version that was released. It'll be intriguing to see whether the final film is '18' rated, or whether it'll be heavily censored, with just the hint of bum. If you're a 50 Shades fan (and if you are, you probably haven't made it this far into the post) then I'd like to know whether you'd like to see a gratuitous film, laden with nudity...or a more tame film where all of the rude bits are implied, rather than shown.

Let's face it. This is going to be one of the biggest, most profitable films ever. It looks like it was made for about 20p and will be lapped up by the legions of 50 Shades fans around the world. If you enjoy 50 Shades, I'm glad that the book has given your life some purpose and meaning. However, wishing for a relationship like Christian and Ana's is deranged. Have some self-respect.

Time for a lie down and LOTS of gin...