50 Shades of Grey Trailer Breakdown Pt.1

50 Shades of Grey: The Movie - In Brief

A man makes a woman do things that are slightly out of her comfort zone

DIOS MIO MOTHERFUCKERS!!!

Let's get the big news out of the way. Jose, my favourite little bundle of Mexican joy is going to be played by Victor Rasuk. What a handsome bastard. I am looking forward to the bit where he tries to molest Ana in a car park. From what I hear, Victor is a method actor. To get into the part, I assume that he's spending his weekends at local nightclubs, waiting outside for the drunkest girl + then trying to aggressively finger her against a wall. Victor, I salute your dedication, but don't completely agree with your methods.

DIOS MIO!!

For anyone who has previously read my blog, HELLO!!! It's nice to have you back after all this time. You'll be glad to hear that my feelings towards 50 Shades have not mellowed over the past 18 months. Think of me as a casserole of sarcasm and spite, allowed to mature and simmer over time. A big pot of misery.

For new readers, HELLO!! I'm Dave. I am a man. I read every single chapter of 50 Shades of Grey (due to a silly and ill-advised decision) and gathered my thoughts into this blog. I spent 6 months with the book and read each chapter many many times. Even though my thoughts and opinions may be VERY different to yours, I have at least read the whole book and do know what I'm talking about when it comes to 50 Shades...even if a large number of my words are rude and revolve around male genitalia.

You may feel that I am not a true fan, or someone who is presenting a contrary opinion, just to be a bit controversial. You are wrong! Reading and writing about the first book was a painful experience, but surely it's possible to derive pleasure from pain? If you need an example, just look at Ana. Christian frequently slaps her about. Secretly, she bloody loves it (or at least pretends to for plot purposes.) I am basically Ana.

Eugh. Writing that sentence makes me want to slap myself in the face, tie myself up and administer my anus with a wretched and prolonged spanking, just for comparing myself to Ana.

50 Shades of Grey - First Trailer - Opening Thoughts

There was always going to be a 50 Shades of Grey movie. The entire planet lost its collective mind when the books were released. Upon reading the books, a generation of dried-up, neglected vaginas suddenly became reinvigorated as women across the world popped their nimble little fingers underneath their petticoats and found that it felt rather pleasant. From Afghanistan to Zimbabwe (and everywhere inbetween,) women (and a smattering of men) read about the adventures of Ana and Christian, positively frothing at their sexually liberal, but morally dubious escapades.

The Internet went fucking mental, with fans suggesting their perfect Christian and Ana. Alexis Bledel and Hermione from Harry Potter were often mentioned, as were Matt Bomer and Ian Somerhalder. Personally, I would have gone for Felicity Jones and Tom Hardy (mainly because I have a massive man crush on him + will watch anything he's in.)

FINALLY, Charlie Hunnam and Dakota Johnson were cast as Christian and Ana. Within a matter of days, Hunnam quit, realising that playing the part of a rapey stalker might not do much for his future career prospects. Realising their predicament, the Casting Director started looking for someone in need of work. After being turned down by Haley Joel Osment, Corey Feldman, me, Screech from Saved by the Bell...and a tramp who was found in the bins of Universal Studios, they turned to the only man in the WORLD who had not been asked...Jamie Dornan.

Upon announcing the news, the whole world asked 'Who the actual FUCK is Jamie Dornan?' Due to extensive research and investigative jornalism looking on Wikipedia, I can exclusively reveal that Jamie Dornan is an actor who has appeared in some television shows. He doesn't appear to be ginger, so I can only assume that he will be dying his hair to play the part of Christian. That is all that anyone knows about him.

Apparently this man is Jamie Dornan

Dakota Johnson appears to have a face that is 90% chin and a fringe modelled on Zooey Deschanel. All other information about Dakota is rumoured and unconfirmed.

Dakota Johnson?

Before we look at the trailer, ask yourself this important question...

Has there ever been a film that is better than the book on which it was based?

The answer to this question is 'no.' Books are wonderful things. They allow us to use something wonderful and unique. Our own imagination. When I was reading the book, I would have imagined everything in a very different way to you. Christian would have looked different, Castle Greyskull (Christian's house) would have looked different. I would have even imagined Christian's penis to look different. In case you were wondering, I imagined it to be extravagantly large, more than a mouthful + perfectly smooth...sort of how you would imagine a penis to look on an Action Man.

Now that the film is coming out, we are being presented with actual versions of Christian and Ana. We can hear them speak, see what they're wearing and feel their emotions. Without the magic of your imagination, everything becomes much more literal. I guarantee that when you're discussing the film, you will say "Oh, I never expected _____ to look like _____" Your version of 50 Shades will have been taken away. You could argue that this is better, and it's good to finally see 50 Shades on the big screen. However, once you sit down, stop manically fangirling and think rationally about the film, I honestly think you'll be disappointed.

The main reason for this is the character of Ana. In the book, Ana acts as a cypher. Devoid of personality, you are able to inject your thoughts, dreams and feelings into Ana. She is effectively an empty vessel. A vessel which is quickly overflowing with the spunk of Christian Grey. 50 Shades was SO popular because it allowed women to embody the character of Ana, putting themselves in the position of someone entering the world of BDSM for the first time.

In the same way that Bella from Twilight is a popular character for teens, Ana fills the same role for slightly older women. The only difference is that Ana isn't impregnated by a Vampire + doesn't have a Werewolf friend who wants to fuck her baby. Apart from that, they are both personality vacuums. 

Dakota's version of Ana will now become the definitive version of the character. If you re-read the books, you'll see her face and hear her voice, where before you would have inserted your own face/voice/vagina.

For example, try reading Harry Potter without imagining Daniel Radcliffe's funny little face, or Hunger Games without picturing Jennifer Lawrence as Katniss. It's basically impossible. Films will NEVER be better than books.

It is also difficult to imagine how the Director is going to fill an entire film. 90% of the book is filled with rewrites of the contract. In fact, if you took out all mentions of the contract, the book becomes no more than a pamphlet about the dangers of men (Elliot, Jose, Paul, Christian) and how ALL men either want to stalk, molest, sexually assault or rape women.

Christian Grey...take note...

I still haven't watched the trailer yet. I feel like I've written too much for one day. I need to ease myself back into this, rather than going completely bonkers and burning out...

Part 2 will be up on Tuesday night. I PROMISE I'll actually watch the trailer this time + chat about it with you.

Until then, please follow me on Twitter (@50ShadesDave) and share this blog on Twitter/Facebook  if you've enjoyed it!

If you have any comments (nice or nasty) please leave them in the comments section below...

Love you!! Byeeeeeeee!!!!!

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