50 Shades of Grey Chapter 24 - 50 Shades of Treats

Chapter 24 in Brief

Man treats woman. Woman tries to treat man.


Chapter 24 - My View

You may have noticed that I've taken a self-imposed hiatus for the past few weeks. Think of me as Arnold Schwarzenegger, but instead of finally returning to movies after spending time as a Governor, I'm returning to writing the word 'cunt' after spending time being lazy. It's more or less the same story.

Excitingly (depending on your definition of the word 'exciting') I have been sent a couple of suggestions for my 'Draw A Scissoring Smiley' plea from Chapter 22. As you'll remember, Ana loves Kate with all of her heart and wants to scissor the shit out of her so that they end up stuck together like a couple of plungers or a Chinese Finger Trap

Scissoring: potential for an awkward call to the Emergency Services.

Here are the suggestions. As much as I love them...I do long for the days when people used to draw me pictures of José shaking his maracas (not a euphemism.) If you'd like to make this into some sort of contest, leave a comment, letting me know your favourite representation of 2 ladies vigorously rubbing their vaginas together as if they're trying to ignite some kindling. The winner will receive a sense of pride and a virtual hi-five.

Alan D

o+<>+o

o+X+o

This one is a 2-parter. The first picture shows Kate and Ana with their legs wide apart. I don't know which is which, but I suppose it doesn't really matter. I know that Ana gets a massive erection about Kate's figure, but then all of Kate's clothes fit her perfectly...so realistically, they're exactly the same...just as Alan has showed us! The second picture then shows the 2 women with their legs completely intertwined as the 2 become 1, just like the Spice Girls once told us, before they started hating each other.

Someone Anonymous

;D-->--X--<--(:

This little picture from Mr/Mrs Anonymous is reminiscent of Alan's, but it does show the 2 women with smiles on their faces. As we know from reading 50 Shades, Ana does struggle to smile, so I don't believe that she's able to pull off the advanced smiling manoeuvre of 'wide mouth smile while winking' that the person on the left is exhibiting. Therefore, this MUST be Kate. Ana, on the right, is favouring the more basic 'bemused grin.'   

Someone Called Throbbe

:)8-<=>-8(:

THEY'VE GOT TITS!! That is all. Oh...and if you look closely, there is also a double-ended dildo sticking out of their bottoms.

So...please use the comment box below to vote for your favourite. Alternatively, let me know on Twitter who your favourite is. These people's future happiness depends on YOU!!

A quick reminder that you can find me on Twitter here - www.twitter.com/50ShadesDave

Chapter 24 starts off with Christian locked in a steel cage. 'How did we get here?' you might ask? Has the book accidentally missed out some chapters, and we've fast-forwarded to the bit where Christian gets his comeuppance? Is he finally in jail for stalking/raping? Sadly not. This is another one of Ana's literal dreams where she dreams about things that basically just occur in her life. Ana does not project any form of fantasy into her dreams. She is never a better version of herself. She never turns into a dinosaur with rocket launchers for arms. She's just plain, boring Ana.

Interestingly, in her dream, Christian is in a cage where he cannot get to her. Probably a sign that he's better off away from her. It's also probably a sign that I wasted a lot of money on that 'Dream Interpreting' course if that's my only bit of dream analysis.

He tries to feed her sex food, in this case, some Strawberries. Unsurprisingly, even in her dream, Ana does not eat, just in case she gets all chubby and frumpy. I get the feeling that is so self-critical, she is the only person in the world who'd get turned down by her perfect man in a dream.

She's quickly forced out of the dream by Christian, nuzzling her, like she's a baby cow. Due to this peculiar wake-up call, she admits that she'd rather stay in her dream where he can't nuzzle her, or try to lap milk out of her udders.

The room is still dark. It's the middle of the night. Ana makes the fair assumption that Christian wants some sex and that The Gentleman Rapist is learning to say 'please' even though he definitely won't say 'thank you.' Rather than whipping out a condom from inside his foreskin (yes, he does even hide them there) he tells Ana that they're going to chase the dawn. At this point, he doesn't make it too clear who Dawn is. I can only assume that she's a girl that he's trafficking who has made a break for freedom and the mismatched pair of Christian and Ana are going to track her down. I think I've just made 50 Shades sound like Lethal Weapon.

Christian is already dressed in black from head to toe, making it nearly impossible for Ana to see him in the dark room. She can only tell where he is when she feels a familar prodding around her vagina, followed by a man making an 'EUGGGHUHUUHGGGGHHH' noise and the familiar smell of jizz. This happens 6 times before Ana is able to turn on a light.

With the room now fully lit, and Christian retiring to the shadows, Ana finds a pile of clothes folded on a chair beside her bed. I don't quite know when this happened because at the end of the last chapter, Christian and Ana were settling down to an uncomfortable night in a bed which would become increasingly saturated with period blood, as if someone tried to murder a postbox in the middle of the night. Ana sorts through the clothes which include a pair of Christian's Ralph Lauren boxers. If we are to believe everything we read, this means that Ana, Kate and Christian all wear the same size clothes. Kate is frequently described as being all beautiful and thin, with a perfect figure, but Ana can fit into every item in her wardrobe. She is also able to fit into Christian's boxers.

So, we have 2 scenarios. Either:

HAHA!!! CHRISTIAN HAS A LADY'S FIGURE! HE HAS DAINTY HIPS AND THE BUM OF A LITTLE GIRL!!

or:

HAHA!! ANA AND KATE ARE ACTUALLY RATHER CHUBBY AND COULD EASILY FIT INTO A GROWN MAN'S CLOTHES!!

Make your own mind up. You're an adult. Form your own opinion.

After putting on the clothes that Christian has prescribed, Ana heads into the kitchen where she's welcomed with the friendly greeting of 'EAT.' For a change, Ana doesn't fancy eating, so negotiates with Christian, agreeing to a cup of tea followed by a croissant when her 'stomach has woken up.' If those aren't the protestations of an Anorexic, I don't know what are. I don't know about you, but I've never claimed that my stomach hasn't woken up or that I didn't hear something because my ears have had an argument. Taking her tea, Ana is amazed to see that Christian has given her a Twinings teabag, leading her to believe that he does care...or that he only had Twinings in the house. Ana goes with the former explanation, rather than the more realistic latter explanation. Also, if Christian really cared about Ana, he would have actually made her a cup of tea, rather than leaving the bag in the cup. What sort of monster leaves the tea bag in the cup? What if it stews Ana? Will he still be the perfect man if he RUINS a cup of Twinings?

Ana doesn't have long to ponder this question as she's quickly whisked into one of Christian's fleet of cars where he pops on some bit of operatic shit to desperately try and prove that he's got some class and sophistication. The piece of music, from La Traviata, translates as 'the woman led astray,' so we can add this to the 'Christian Grey Literal Playlist' because, y'know, Ana is literally a woman and she is literally being led astray. I wouldn't be surprised if Taylor is sent down to Christian's car just before he leaves to select a piece of music which accurately reflects the specific situation that Christian finds himself in.

Getting bored of the pompous, self-indulgent nonsense that Christian always picks, Ana takes charge of the iPod. As she's a shit girl, she picks some shit girl music. In this case, Toxic by Britney Spears. From this, Christian will learn to never let a girl pick driving music. They will only ruin the mood. Don't think I'm going to gloss over the most important point here. Christian Grey loves a bit of Britney. He strikes me as being a bit of a hipster, priding himself on knowing about bands that don't even exist yet, so to find out that he loves a bit of cheesy pop comes as a bit of a surprise. I don't quite know where that song fits into his literal playlist, but I guess that he once did a massive silent-but-deadly fart in the car, at which point he popped on a bit of Britney and sat there, smiling to himself.

The song changes to a bit of Damien Rice, who warbles according to Ana. I don't quite know if I'd agree with that assessment of Damien Rice. I see him as having a fragile, delicate voice, not a voice which sounds like a blackbird who is being interfered with. Preempting Ana's question about this mainstream music, Christian tells her than an ex put the songs on his iPod, specifically someone called Leila who sounds a bit Eastern-European. Catching him in a rare talkative mood, Ana pushes him for more information, discovering that he's only had 4 long-term relationships, along with Elena. Who is Elena, you might be asking? IT'S ONLY MRS BLOODY ROBINSON!! Ana's nemesis now has a name. In my head, she looks like Stifler's Mom from American Pie, basically a pair of tits with some legs.

Ana goes on to tell Christian that she doesn't want to get pregnant for a few years. Just imagine how spiritless her children would be. The sort of children who have the complexion of a glass of milk. The sort of children who even bullies can't bring themselves to pick on. The sort of children who achieve nothing in life...apart from death. Hastily diverting the conversation away from Ana's appalling progeny, Christian gives her a few clues as to where they'll be spending their morning.  Without giving her much time to guess, they pull into an airfield where Taylor is waiting for them, bounding up to Christian with a gleeful look in his eyes. After being patted on the head and given a treat, Ana and Christian leave Taylor to lick his own testicles.

They meet up with a pilot and while the men talk about the advantages of the L-23 over the L-13, Ana stands there, noting that the glider is white. Bless her for joining in. She also notices that the grass is green, the tarmac is black and the sky is blue. Not much gets past her. Ana's parents will be so proud that they spent so much money on a college education for her. I don't quite know what line of work Ana will end up in, but I can't think of many jobs where you spend all day, saying the colours of things out loud. Maybe she can be a visual interpreter for a blind person or something.

Getting ready to head up in the glider, the pilot offers to put Ana's parachute on for her. Assuming that he's making a move on Ana, Christian kicks the pilot in the nuts before grabbing the parachute and putting it on her himself. I understand that Christian doesn't trust anyone else, but surely he can see why it would be a better idea for a trained professional to put Ana's parachute on for her, rather than a jealous man. Throughout the book, Ana refers to Icarus. If we're lucky, Christian will end up flying too close to the sun, somehow melting the glider wings. As his parachute has been fitted professionally, he'll float serenely back to earth, while Ana will resemble Wile. E. Coyote after another hair-brained scheme has failed.

Ana: Falling faster than Felix Baumgartner.

After a bit of faffing about, Ana and Christian are airborne. You would imagine that Ana's first thoughts would be about how incredible the world looks so early in the morning...or how exhilarated she is. If you did think that, you've clearly paid no attention to the book so far. Ana's brain does not function like a normal brain. She instead thinks of everyone's favourite little Mexican, José! Even when she's up in the air with a bajillionaire, she can't tear her thoughts away from grubby little José, who will still be asleep in a favela somewhere. She thinks about José's upcoming photography show, which she's agreed to attend. Personally, I am very much looking forward to the chapter where Ana looks at some photographs. It promises to be every bit as riveting as reading through the contract. At least José and his predatory instincts will be there to keep Ana on her toes.

Unsurprisingly, the flight in the glider passes by without incident. It is possibly one of the dullest passages in the entire book. You essentially have 2 people who barely have any form of conversation, stuck in a relatively silent environment, devoid of any stimulus. At one point I got excited because Christian asked Ana to grab the joy stick. I assumed this was a euphemism for his penis, but sadly, he wanted Ana to take the literal joystick, allowing her to take control of the glider for a short time.

Back on the ground, Ana is euphoric, calling the experience 'extraordinary.' She then compares it to the time that she went to Disneyland with Ray at the age of 10. So, just in case you were wanting to recreate the majesty of a glider flight, just pop to Disneyland and hi-five a 6ft Mouse. 

Minnie Mouse: paedo in disguise

Christian suggests that they go for a bit of food which Ana agrees to. As they start to leave, her alarm goes off, signifying that she has to take The Pill. Ana also has alarms on her phone, reminding her to breathe in and out. Since starting their relationship, Christian has learnt how to block this noise out. He is grateful for the fact that Ana is obeying him, by taking her pills, telling her 'I hate condoms' HE FUCKING DOESN'T!! If there is 1 thing that Christian does love, it's condoms. He throws them around with gay abandon, sometimes popping on 6 or 7 condoms before sex, just because he had some extras lying around...and because sometimes he cums SO hard that it easily bursts through 4-5 layers. Think of it as a bulletproof vest for jizz, protecting Ana's insides from looking like an explosion in a cream factory.

For some unknown reason, they decide to stop at IHOP for breakfast. For those of you who have never been to an IHOP (International House of Pancakes,) think it of a place which sells food with cholesterol levels so high, you'll have 6 consecutive heart attacks while eating your breakfast. 

Their waitress comes over to take their order. She's called Leandra, so I can only assume that she's an African American. For some reason, Ana goes completely mental, basically demanding sex from Christian while Leandra is standing there. The smell of pancakes and African-Americans must really turn her on, as she looks at Christian, suggestively telling him that 'I want what you want.' As Ana has never attempted subtlety before, Christian misreads the situation and orders a shitload of food. While they're waiting, they have a chat about their relationship and he agrees to try out Ana's (and everyone else's) definition of a relationship, which will involve some cuddling and agreeing to stop by the shops for some milk on the way back from work.

After scoffing down the plate of pancakes, Ana offers to pay for the meal, stating, quite reasonably, that this is the only place that she'll be able to afford. As he's a stubborn man, Christian refuses, thinking that Ana is trying to emasculate him, as if his money is what makes him a man, and without it, he's nothing. Money to Christian is like hair to Sampson.

Then something weird happens...either the book makes a weird leap, or I'm missing a few pages...which would be WEIRD as I'm reading 50 Shades on a Kindle. So, this is what happens, and maybe someone can help to clear it up for me. In one paragraph, Ana and Christian are sitting in IHOP, debating who is going to pay, with the spectre of sex in the grubby toilets a distinct possibility. Then...in the next paragraph, they're outside Carla's house. It all seems a bit quick, just like sex with Christian. Can someone let me know if I'm missing anything...or if the book has just leapt from one one scenario to another without any warning?

Christian drops Ana off, telling her he'll be back later so  that he can eat with the family. He has to go and work. By that, he means that he has to go and say lots of names into a telephone before sitting around his hotel room, having a wank.

Walking into the kitchen, Carla is doing her best to fuck up a simple meal. She's got 4 different cookery books open, so the family can look forward to some stir-fried curry or pizza, topped with a soufflé. Ana intelligently leaves Carla to her culinary disaster and heads upstairs. 

Opening up her laptop, there is already an e-mail waiting for her. They exchange a couple of e-mails, each one containing boring details including a revelation that Ana talks in her sleep, leading her to become unnecessarily paranoid about what she's said. Quite frankly, she's got nothing to worry about, unless she's been chatting about being double teamed by José and Taylor.

Heading back downstairs, Ana gets a call back from one of the interviews that she went to. As we discussed in a previous chapter, it was pretty clear that she was going to get the job, otherwise the characters of Jack and Elizabeth were introduced for no reason at all. This news pleases Carla and she celebrates the fact that her daughter is not a complete waste of skin and organs. While Carla is hi-fiving herself for having passed on some average DNA, Ana realises that Christian has called. She calls him back and he tells her that Taylor had been spying through the window of Carla's house and that there is no fucking way that he's going to eat the soup that Carla has been making which contains bread, dog food and pubes as it's main ingredients. 

Later in the day, Ana is laying outside, when she sits bolt upright, like she's Frankenstein's Monster which has just been reanimated. She deducts that Christian has sacked off dinner because of a chat that he had with Mrs Robinson. Legging it back upstairs, she sends him an e-mail, but doesn't mention Mrs Robinson at any point. Instead, like a total dick, she concentrates on her sleep talking, assuming that she's said something highly inflammatory.

So, this chapter started and ended with boring passages about dreams. I don't think that Ana quite understands how dreams work. Not only will her subconscious not let her use any form of imagination, but she also thinks that dreams can be used against her as actual evidence of wrongdoing.

If that is the case, all of my friends are going to be PISSED. I blasted them all away the other night with my MOTHERFUCKING DINOSAUR ROCKET LAUNCHER ARMS.

2 CHAPTERS TO GO!!!!

In other news, some lovely people have been writing about my blog.

Chrissy and Mags from the fantastic www.latersbaby.net have done an interview with me and my thoughts on 50 Shades. It was a lot of fun and you can read what I have to say by visiting www.latersbaby.net/2012/10/meet-dave-from-dave-reads-fifty-shades.html

Alaka Prodhan from www.bodyconfidential.co.uk has written an awesome review of the blog, picking up on my love for naughty words. Please go check it out here - www.bodyconfidential.co.uk/Life-Coach/Blog-We-Love-A-Man-Reads-50-Shades-of-Grey

As always, you can keep in touch with what is going on by joining me on:

Twitter - @50ShadesDave
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