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50 Shades of Grey Chapter 19 - 50 Shades of Family

Chapter 19 In Brief 

Family eats meal. 

Chapter 19 - My View

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As you'll remember, at the end of Chapter 18, Ana had become even more useless than she usually is, and was slipping in and out of a coma to avoid Christian's stern sex face. I get the feeling that when he's ramming her, he looks just as impassive as an Easter Island statue.

Waking up from her self-imposed coma, Ana finds Christian nuzzling her as if she's a stillborn lamb trying to be woken by it's mother. Despite her best efforts, Christian succeeds in waking her up. I don't know what prompted her to wake up, but it was either him shouting 'ANAANAANAANA!' in her ears or the fact that he was slowly and deliberately trying to force his willy up her nose. As we've learnt from previous chapters, when Christian is horny, he gets what he wants, regardless of whether Ana is conscious or receptive.

When she's awake, he reminds he that they're heading out for food with his parents and that she has 30 minutes (!!) to get ready. Now, 30 minutes is not long. I can go from sleeping out out of the door in about 20 minutes, but I look utterly shit and I learnt long ago that even if I do spend longer getting ready, I still resemble a man who has the haircut of a World War 2 pilot. Ana is not like me. At the most basic level, she has boobs and a vagina. I do not have boobs or a vagina. Ana is a woman. As a result, it is her duty to spend a disproportionate amount of time getting ready to go out. Realistically, 30 minutes is not long.

Defying convention, Ana gets ready in 15 minutes and even manages to shower. OH PISS OFF. If I was in an unfamilar house, I wouldn't have even managed to work out how to set the shower to the correct temperature in 15 minutes, let alone be completely ready to go out. I'm guessing that she doesn't have any sort of marks from the cable ties which Christian used on her. If she did, I guess she could just pass it off as self-harming. I'm sure Christian's parents would understand that he can have that effect on women.

However, in getting ready, Ana discovers that her panties have disappeared! This is just a personal thing, but I hate the word 'panties' and don't think that it should ever be applied to a grown woman. It sounds like something a 4 year old would wear to primary school. I don't want to be thinking about a 4 year old's underwear, so please...lets have an amnesty on the word 'panties'...unless you are actually talking about a 4 year old girl. What's wrong with 'bloomers' 'petticoat' or 'drawers?' As she's practically a detective, Ana works out that Christian is the culprit! It didn't take much working out as he took them from her while they were in the PlayWomb. Assuming that he won't give them back, she decides to go commando to dinner. Knowing Ana's history of falling over, this is not going to end well. EVERYONE is going to see her insides.

Heading downstairs to find Christian staring out of a window, Ana once again comments on how his trousers 'hang in that unbelievably sexy way off his hips...' If his trousers are hanging off him, he should invest in some properly fitting clothes. It's like he's been rummaging in the lost-property box at school and has pulled out the only thing that fits him. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but there are SO many mentions of how Christian's trousers hang off his hips. Just for you (and because I take this blog very seriously,) I did some research. There are 69 mentions of the word 'hips.' Yup. 69. I feel like I've discovered an in-book Easter Egg. Kindle users, you can verify that for me. Not every mention relates to how his trousers fit, but most of them do. That means that in EVERY chapter, there are nearly 3 mentions of how his FUCKING trousers sit on his FUCKING hips. Is that really something that people pay attention to? I struggle to recognise if people had their haircut, so for Ana to notice something so specific seems borderline ridiculous.

When Ana enters the room, Christian has once again been adding tracks to his 'situation specific' iPod playlist. This time, he's listening to a song called 'I've Got Your Panties (LALALA)' Looking embarrassed, he quickly changes it and pops on Witchcraft by Frank Sinatra. As you've probably guessed, it's a song about a man who is bewitched by a woman. I don't know what's so bewitching about a woman who doesn't even understand the concept of an e-mail, but Christian might have a thing for women who are fans of the year 1820. Having said that, if she was discussing the concept of e-mail in 1820, she would have almost certainly been tried as a witch and probably burnt to death. He grabs her and they start dancing around the apartment. For someone who falls over so much, spending more time horizontal than the actual horizon, Ana manages to stay upright as Christian leads her around the room, awkwardly dancing until it's time to leave.

Taylor pulls up in an Audi (obviously,) ready to take them to dinner. In the car, the atmosphere is awkward as Taylor's presence prevents any sort of conversation. Quite why he's getting the blame for the atmosphere seems unfair. Ana and Christian have previously been on long trips where neither of them has spoken. Eventually, Ana pipes up with 'Where did you learn to dance?' Even though it's a seemingly innocent question, Christian replies with 'Do you really want to know?' Crikey! Imagine if people in new relationships cared about their partner to want to find out more about them. For all Ana knows, Christian could be the disco-dancing champion of the world. He could have told her that although it is not an official title, he is rich and invented the award, competing against a candlestick, a clock, a teacup, a cup, a wardrobe and a feather duster. However, Christian is not the disco-dancing champion of the world and was taught to dance by Mrs Robinson, the older woman who seduced him. This information makes Ana mad. So mad that she wants to fight Mrs Robinson. Now that is a match-up I'd love to see! Given Ana's hatred for the older woman, I get the feeling she'd unleash a 145 hit combo unto her before finishing with a flawless victory and an EPIC fatality.

Quickly changing the subject, Ana asks Christian about why he uses cable ties. HEY GUYS...TAYLOR IS STILL IN THE CAR! If I was Taylor at this point, I'd calmly unclip my seatbelt, open my door and barrel roll out of the car. As Taylor is ex-military, he'd only suffer from a few bruises. I would absolutely not want to hear about my boss tying up a woman. I know that it is Taylor's job to drive, be silent and appear out of nowhere, but I doubt that his job description also includes 'Listen to Christian boast about how he degrades women.' Eventually, they pull up outside a mansion. It's not specified whether this is where Christian's parents live, but I get the feeling that they also have a few pounds in their pocket.

Ana gets out of the car, managing to not flash her vagina at everyone. Everyone is grateful for this. They are met by Grace Sillyname-Grey and Carrick Grey. A shriek interrupts the pleasant greetings as Mia, Christian's sister screeches 'Is she here?' At first, it does sound like Mia wants to actually eat Ana, especially when she 'comes barreling down the hall' as if Donkey Kong has just thrown her. She then turns out to be incredibly friendly, hugging Ana and, as girls have a tendency to do, Mia installs Ana as her new best friend. I can't see this lasting. There is definitely a hint of Regina George to Mia. I wouldn't be surprised if there is a chapter where the girls fall out and Mia starts a rumour that Ana is a lesbian. 

Kate and Elliot are already making themselves cosy, with Kate sucking Elliot off on the sofa. She greets Christian and Ana, knowing that it's rude to speak with her mouth full so she removes Elliot's cock before saying anything. Ana marvels at Kate's relationship, not realising that Kate is basically a succubus and she'll be done with Elliot before too long. At that moment, Ana understands that she's only there because Elliot invited Kate, so Christian felt obliged to invite Ana. I don't think I've used enough names in this paragraph. ELLIOTKATEANACHRISTIANCARRICKGRACEMIA.

While they're waiting for dinner, they have a bit of a chat about holidays. You'd think that would be a nice, safe topic of conversation.'d be wrong. First of all, it seems that stalking runs in the family as Elliot 'has decided to follow Kate and her family to Barbados for a week.' The Grey family are alarmingly blasé about stalking. It sounds like Elliot has not been invited, but he's taken it upon himself to creep behind Kate for a week. She'll see him from time to time, wearing disguises, peeping out from newspapers and he'll no doubt be up for some 'surprise sex' as she's walking home late at night. In most countries, that is known as 'rape.' but I'm almost certain that Barbados has different laws so he'll probably be just fine.

Conversation turns to Ana's travel plans. As she's never been out of the country, she's not got much to offer in the way of worldly anecdotes apart from that time she accidentally went to the Polski Sklep. She unwisely chooses this moment to inform everyone that she's thinking of going to Georgia to visit her Mum for a few days. Christian can't cope with this information and is unable to process why someone would want to see their parents. After all, when was the last time he saw his paren....oh nevermind.

The very thought of Ana wanting to do something without him is inconceivable to Christian, as if ALL women should want to be with him ALL of the time. As none of his previous relationships have lasted very long, I get the impression that he might be something of a clingy boyfriend. He's already shown that this is the case on a number of occasions, but he's now trying to dictate when Ana can see her family. After all, if she's not with him, who is he going to fuck? His own hand? Taylor? If I was Taylor, I'd have a serious look at the smallprint in my contract each time a girlfriend of Christian's left to visit the local town...even for an hour.

Christian won't let the matter lie and as they are seated around the table, he continually pesters her about why she's 'leaving him.' Christian is such a total pussy. It's one thing missing someone, but it's another thing completely smothering them at all times. A relationship with Christian seems more like a war of attrition than anything else. While everyone else is trying to have a pleasant conversation at the grown-ups table, over on the kids table, Ana and Christian are whispering about how mad he is. He then cries, throws a massive tantrum and topples out of his high chair because Ana was given slightly more Alphabetti Spaghetti than he was, creating an awkward mood around the table. To lighten things up, Kate asks Ana about our favourite little minority, José! Ana tells everyone that he went a whole night without trying to forcibly cuddle her, but even this isn't enough to sate Christian. Christian HATES José. He really REALLY hates him. I get the feeling that Christian just hates all Mexicans and all other men. I'm surprised that he's not yet knocked his own father out for shaking Ana's hand when they met.

The men then start chatting about baseball. Kate, Grace and Mia talk about Paris and Ana sits there, unproductively giving the evil eye to the woman who is bringing their food out. For the majority of the meal, Ana is lost in her own little world of petty, needless jealousy. She's only brought round by some casual xenophobia from Mia who states that Paris is beautiful ' spite of the Parisians.' How DARE the French speak their own language and be so maddeningly French? If Mia had her own way, she'd lead a military coup against France, rename it 'Petit America' and then use the country in the same way that Great Britain used Australia in the 18th Century. I do worry about the Grey's views on the world. So far we know that Christian hates Mexicans and Mia hates the French. I'll be sure to note any further instances of racism, xenophobia or homophobia.

In between courses, Christian decides that he needs to wash his hands. Rather than excuse himself to use the bathroom, he uses Ana's vagina as a sink, making her splutter and sick up a bit of her wine. Everyone carries on as if nothing had happened.

Following the meal, Christian excuses himself and Ana. They go outside into the grounds of the mansion at which point he hoists her over his shoulder, smacks her on the ass and tells her to keep her voice down as he's going to take her to the boathouse.

If you're a fan of men forcing themselves onto women in dark, remote places, violence and angry sex, it sounds like you're in for a treat in Chapter 20!

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  1. couldn't agree more about the word 'panties'! I work with someone whose surname is may be hearing from her :)

  2. Dave (do you like how we're on first name terms?) your blog makes me genuinely "LOL". Usually in public (I'm currently reading it on the bus) I'm going to be so sad when you finish the book. Please read books 2 and 3 to stop me from getting withdrawal symptoms (I've read them. I could tell you they get better but I'd lying)
    Panties is a horrible, creepy word that just be banned from all literature. I just can't believe you haven't picked up on all the "oh mys", "holy craps" and (my personal favourite) "oh crapola".

    1. Sophie! At the moment I really cannot contemplate the 2nd and 3rd books. This one has really worn me down and I can't wait to finish. That said, if there is a bit of demand for the 2nd and 3rd books, I might return after I've had a 50 Shades detox.

  3. Ya know, in book 2.....maybe 3.....I think 2.....Ana and Mrs. R finally duke it out......please read on to book 2! So much more happens that is definitely worth writing about!

  4. did you see?? she constantly does this "snug" replaces with "hanging", "quavering" with "whimpering", "telling" with "murmuring" and "anxious" with "scared" and oh! "ferociously" with "threateningly". i am completely serious but james really does not know how to use words and thanks for jogging my brain with ( laughing with you such a nice relaxant)this inspiration i am going to blog it!


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