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50 Shades of Grey Chapter 18 - 50 Shades of PAIN

Chapter 18 In Brief

Woman has 3 orgasms. Man has 2 orgasms.

Chapter 18 - My View

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If you think that the 'In Brief' summary relates to José and Ana's relationship, you are wrong. Sorry. I wish more that I could spend the rest of my time, writing about how Ana forgives José for his unnecessary attack and she decides that a relationship with someone who cares about her is better than a relationship where the man buys her unnecessary presents then threatens to rip her fallopian tubes out. However, it is not to be...

The reason I mention José is that Tiffany B. has drawn me a picture of my favourite little Mexican (and Christian with his willy out in a bush.) Here it is:

I'm sure you'll join me in praising this fine piece of work. José couldn't be any more Mexican unless he was literally a piñata and had people crowding around him, beating him with a stick. Incidentally, that sounds like something an angry mob would do if they discovered a rapist was living in their neighborhood. A terrifying glimpse into the future for José? The wink in his eye suggests that he's suggested that Ana strawpedo the bottle of Blue WKD as it's laced with the date rape drug. In seconds, she'll be comatose and he can shake his dirty little maraca inside her. 

Ana has come dressed like a slutty receptionist, so by showing a bit of tit, she is definitely up for it. If girls don't want to be date-raped, they shouldn't dress so provocatively. Her open mouth suggests that she's waiting for something to fill it...and the bottle just won't suffice. 

Lurking in the bushes is Christian, watching Ana's every usual. Despite being about 4ft away, he's invested in some binoculars so that he can see her in an unusual level of detail. It appears that Christian's penis has developed consciousness and is thinking 'I find this hard to masturbate to.' From the book, we know that Christian has a unique relationship with his penis, but this picture shows that the penis is controlling Christian, treating him as an accessory. It has been said that men think with their dicks and this picture show that it is absolutely true. GOLD STAR!!

If you'd like to send me a picture, please e-mail it to

Lets look at Chapter 18...

You'll probably notice that this review is significantly shorter than most. That's because almost nothing happens. If things happen, I can write about then, but if there are whole chapters which tell us nothing about anything, there's not really much that I can do. There are times when I get serious deja vu from reading this book. There are phrases, scenarios and situations which crop up ALL of the time to the point where I get the feeling that everyone who's read and enjoyed this book suffers from Amnesia.

As usual, this chapter picks up at pretty much at the exact moment the other one finished. Ana's vagina is treated like a medical emergency as Christian thanks Dr Greene for attending at such short notice. If this was the first chapter you'd read, you'd be forgiven for thinking that Ana has a new strain of SUPERAIDS and Dr Greene is the only person with the antidote. As it turns out, Dr Greene just peers into Ana's vagina, tells her that she looks as if she's been used for target practice then fills out a prescription for the mini-pill, a type of oral contraceptive.

Following the examination, Dr Greene leaves, but not before wishing Ana good luck. Ana doesn't quite know how to take this, but the fact that Dr Greene was able to go spelunking inside her vagina shows that she is a little concerned about Ana, as well as her own safety. Next time Dr Greene will remember to bring a hard hat, a map and someone to belay for her.

Christian and Ana then do a joke which even they don't find funny. They manage a 'grin' and a 'smirk,' but keeping in line with the rest of the relationship, there is no warmth or genuine laughter. In the kitchen, Christian is playing some operatic music which he probably hates, but it will at least make Ana think he's cultured. He's listening to 'Villa Lobos.' I listened to it, and it's basically a lady shouting for a bit. I think he only chose to put that piece of music on because 'Lobos' is only 1 letter away from 'Lob-on,' which is what's happening in Christian's pants.

They eat a bit of food, along with some wine. Ana's descent into a full blown alcoholic is picking up pace. I imagine that at some point in the next 2 books, Christian will find her in a doorway, giving handjobs for Special Brew. Even if that does happen, I still don't think I'll read them. 

During the meal, Christian lectures Ana about the importance of taking her pills every day at the same time. Despite the fact that he's very open about everything, the conversation does seem quite awkward as this is an area that he's probably not had to get involved with before. He comes across like a flustered, bewildered teacher, trying to teach the importance of sexual health. Rather than just put a video on to get him out of his embarrassment, he tells Ana that he'll set an alarm so that neither of them forget about the pills. For his next lesson, he teaches Ana all about periods, using hand gestures and the words 'umm,' 'errr,' 'pfft,' and 'ewwwwwww.'

Once they're finished eating, Christian ignores all of his OCD tenancies by leaving the dirty dishes so that he can he can fulfill his dirty wishes with Ana. For someone with OCD, he is just SO spontaneous. The thought of leaving dirty dishes must be such a turn on for you women.

They head back into the Playwomb for the first time in loads of chapters. It still has that specific 'leather, citrus, polish and dark wood' smell. As with every other aspect of Christian's life, there are rules which have to be followed in the Playwomb. Firstly, as he is house proud, she has to take her shoes off. Quite why she's not done this already is mystifying. I always take my shoes off in other peoples houses. Although she knows about etiquette when drinking tea, Ana has lived a sheltered life and is unsure of basic manners when visiting other people. We already know that she has refused his food, bled on his bed and has wandered round, rifling through drawers in his kitchen. I wouldn't be surprised if she's also put her feet on his sofa and taken a shit in the bidet.

Christian takes her dress and bra off and then starts braiding her hair, as if they're teenage girls at a sleepover. Once he's finished braiding her hair, they get into their pyjamas, watch rom-coms and talk about how dreamy and dishy Matt Bomer is. Sleepovers are awesome. Does anyone want to bring their sleeping bag over to mine so that we can all watch John Tucker Must Die 6 times while we talk about ribbons and puppies?

After finishing the braid, Christian tells Ana that she's only allowed to wear her panties in the Playwomb and her hair must be braided. Then, just like the final scene from Blair Witch, Christian orders Ana into the corner of the room where she has to sit and wait for him. He then leaves the room. 10 minutes later he's back, with a slightly different, but older, pair of jeans on. When preparing to beat the shit out of women, it is always important to wear an old pair of jeans. Just like most people have some old clothes to wear when decorating, Christian has a specific set of clothes he wears when decorating the walls with the blood of women. Have you ever tried to wash blood out of clothes? It's very tricky. Vanish just isn't up to the job. I hope that at some point in your life, that tip comes in handy.

Ana is ordered to stand up, at which point she is chained to a grid. Although she is attached to the grid, she can move from side to side, which will allow her to move around the room. Think of her as a human rollercoaster. Christian (her nemesis) will turn her into the Queen of Speed as he flies through the air, fucking her into submisson until she reaches oblivion. Hopefully someone from Alton Towers reads this and give me a free ticket for the free promotion I've just given them.

Now that she's chained up, Ana suppresses her fears, safe in the knowledge that Kate knows where she is. This is the same friend who let Ana get molested by José...the same friend who didn't think to check up on her when she was abducted by Christian...the same friend who sent a few lazy texts to see where Ana was. Lets face it, if Kate is your best hope, you are fucked.

By this point, Ana is already damp, like a slightly drizzly day. To unleash a torrent, Christian takes a riding crop and starts hitting her, right on the vagina. He's like a sexy Indiana Jones, hitting the spot each time, moving his way around her, smacking her on the tit and on the arse before making his way back around. He asks her if she'd like to cum, with him using just the riding crop. She nods...he smacks her clit 3 times and Ana melts onto the floor as if she's just opened the Ark of the Covenant.

Pulling herself together again, she finds that Christian has ripped open another foil packet of Football stickers. This time he's got a Jeremy Goss sticker which makes him overjoyed! Jeremy Goss was the only one missing from his collection! To show his happiness, he launches his penis head first into Ana. The sex scene then lasts for 1 paragraph. At most, they're having sex for about 20 seconds before 'UUNNNNGGGGHHHH.' Once again they finish at the exact same moment. it just me, or would sex with Christian Grey be completely unsatisfactory to everyone apart from Ana. If a guy lasted 20 seconds every time you were with him, wouldn't you be a little concerned? Luckily, Ana completely loses control when they have sex, but I'm guessing that his previous Subs have left him for thrashing around for a few seconds before convulsing on top of them.

Thoroughly tired, Ana decides that she'd like a little sleep after such monotonous sex. Pretending that she's asleep doesn't work and Christian summons her for some more unsatisfactory pummeling. He pulls out a cable tie at which point Ana's dormant brain fires into life. She FINALLY makes the connection that the shopping Christian did WAY back in Chapter 2 wasn't for some sort of obscure DIY project, but was in fact a shopping list of kit to make her suffer. 

He tells her '...hold tight' and '...don't let go' as if he's giving a safety briefing for someone about to take control of a Segway. When Christian has been through his whole health and safety rigmarole, he fastens his safety helmet and begins unceremoniously drilling away at Ana. Guess what happens next? 


The sex was so boring that Ana actually falls into a coma. When she comes to, she's lying on the floor and has the single most boring post-sex thought that ANYONE has EVER had. Wondering about the room, she thinks:

'Oh...the carabiners.'

It's sentences like this which make me see what all the fuss is about. If the thought of carabiners doesn't turn you into a silly wet mess, I don't know what will.

As much as I dislike the book, I really hope that it starts picking up again soon. Chapter 18 really was absolute rubbish. The plot didn't advance 1 bit. There was a bit of boring sex and nothing even remotely funny happened. I'll be expecting more from the next 8 chapters.

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  1. Dave, I am really enjoying your blogs. So glad I don't have to read the actual book in order to know what people are talking about. It sounds awful. Thank you for this public service. Aoife

  2. Uhhh...obviously your interpretation and the female population's interpretations of FSOG are very different. But thanks for providing me with a good laugh :)

    1. woman feminist here, this is the only version I can read and Dave is spot on


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