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50 Shades of Grey Chapter 8 - 50 Shades of Deflowering

Chapter 8 In Brief 

Woman and man have sex.


Chapter 8 - My View 

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Wow...if you thought that this book was terrible when Ana and Christian were sitting around talking about cheese...or just sitting in complete silence, you just wait until you get to Chapter 8. This is the chapter where E L James sat at her computer, highlighted the word 'groaned,' right-clicked, selected 'Synonyms' and then scattered all of the corresponding words throughout the next 20 pages. There are so many grunts, groans, squeals, moans, whimpers and squeaks, you would have thought that the entire chapter took place in a zoo. A really shitty zoo where you want to punch all of the animals in the face.

When you read this, it's important to remember one this. This is effectively their second date. The first date was at the coffee shop which is a perfectly normal place to go for a first date. The only weird bit was everything they said to each other. This is their second date (even though it has gone on for about 4 chapters already.) On this second date Christian has already shown Ana his Playwomb. Then all of this happens. Remember. Second date. Second. Date.

When we left Christian, he was all 'OMG YOU'RE A VIRGIN!' Rather than setting a new speederection record, he is super disappointed. If anything, I would have thought that taking someone's virginity would have proper turned him on. He's seemed to have enjoyed keeping her in a childlike state throughout the book and has acted very much like an overbearing father figure. I am half expecting a chapter where he throws her a birthday party, complete with a suspicious children's entertainer. As it is, we're all going to have to accept the fact that Christian is mad, whether we believe it or not. We know that he is mad because he runs BOTH hands through his hair. 2 hands shows double exasperation. DOUBLE EXASPERATION? What could it all mean?

Ana then says something sensible. You might want to read that sentence again because I won't be using it many more times. In her defence to the whole virgin thing, she says '...we hardly know each other.' FINALLY! Although...this is a conversation that you'd usually have with someone before you agree that they can't do a poo on you. Sadly, her newly discovered voicebox falters as soon as Christian runs a hand through his hair, returning Ana to her previous comatose state. I assume one hand through the hair is secret Christian Grey code, meaning that he is only mildly exasperated. To Ana, this shows that he's in a good mood, so completely forgets that they don't actually know each other past the few staccato conversations that they've had. Does it matter that they don't know each other when he has such dreamy hair?

For a while they stand around, chatting about why she's not had sex. In Christian's head, ALL beautiful people should have had loads of sex. She could at least have let José have had a go on her to prepare her for this moment. During the conversation Ana keeps biting her lip. It's pretty much all she does with her mouth because for the majority of the book, there aren't any words coming out of it. Christian goes pretty crazy for the lip-biting and tells her: 

'We're going to rectify the situation right now' 

More like Erect-ify. Eh? Eh?

They head off to the bedroom and Christian uses words like 'situation,' 'arrangement' and 'training,' making it sound like they're heading into a business meeting rather than getting Ana in the mood for a good cocking. Before they get into the bedroom, Ana brings up the rules, announcing that she hasn't complied with them all. I can only assume this means that she's got a hairy growler. Again, Christian cannot make his mind up about the rules, dithering around before he decides that for tonight they can forget the rules. Despite having no rules, I imagine that above Christian's bed are some instructions, treating sex like he's knocking up a shelving unit from Ikea. Basically, all he needs to know is that you should insert 'Tab A into Slot B.'

Leading Ana into the bedroom, it won't surprise anyone to learn that Grey's bed is made of GREY wood. Is that even a thing...or is it just a description of his erection? In the room, he robotically undresses, putting his jacket over a chair, taking his socks off individually before hand washing them, pressing them with a mangle and then blowing on them until they're dry. Based upon this ridiculous display of arrogant undressing, a quickie with Christian would last 8 hours of which 7 hours 59 minutes would be taken up with him folding up his trousers.

Continuing his mission to completely ruin the mood, Christian then asks Ana if she's on the pill. Although it's nice that he's asked, surely there is a time and a place for that question. It's not something you want to ask when you're standing in front of a girl with a semi-on. To ruin the mood further, he may as well have pulled out a massive femidom and tried to fist it into her vagina. He then leads her over to the bed and in a creepy sexy growl, tells her 'Do you have any idea what I'm going to do to you?' Obviously, Ana has no idea what is going on, but she knows that it won't involve children or animals. Which is important.

Over the next few pages there is plenty of gasping, both from him and her. She gasps at his body and eyes. He gasps at her hair and skin. I gasp at the number of times the word 'gasp' is mentioned. You're probably gasping at the fact that I'm gasping. gaspGASPFUCKINGGASP!!

As we already knew, Christian is a rather demanding gentleman. What he wants, he gets. What you probably didn't know is that his entire body is demanding. He has demanding lips and a demanding kiss. From these past 2 paragraphs, you've probably worked out that E L James is working with a very limited vocabulary. This is the very first properly rude bit in the book and within 2 pages she's already repeating the exact same words time and time again. Some people have read 3 books of this shit. From this I conclude that everyone who has read all 3 books has Alzheimer's disease.

Ana and Christian get down to a bit of heavy petting, but no worse than anything you would have done in a cinema or behind the sheds at school. It gets a bit weird when Christian pushes his nose into Ana's minge and tells her that she smells good. We know that Ana probably has some pubic topiary and she probably hasn't showered for a few days, so Christian must have a pretty strong gag reflex to go with his skills of being a good liar. He asks her to touch herself but she looks at him like he's just asked her to crack the Enigma code. We can now add masturbating to the list of things Ana doesn't do, along with behaving rationally, eating cheese and saying no to strangers.

Christian takes matters into his own hands, kissing her on the stomach. Here is what happens to Ana: 

'My skin is burning. I'm flushed, too hot, too cold, and I'm clawing at the sheet beneath me.' 

What. The. Fuck. This is not the behaviour of someone who is being kissed on the tummy. Clearly she's possessed. First time or not, that is not normal behaviour...but I'm looking forward to the bit where she fucks herself with Christian's giant wooden crucifix from the Playwomb. That chapter is going to be awesome.

After letting Christian know that his mother sucks cocks in hell, he decides that kissing her stomach is maybe not the best plan off attack so her gets her tit out and starts nibbling away for about a second at which point Ana starts convulsing. Don't worry...she's not going to start spinning her head round, she's just had an orgasm. Rather than let her take a moment to recover, Christian immediately starts fingerblasting her and then gets his knob out. As I've mentioned a few times before, Christian obviously has a massive knob. But...this is all relative because we're looking at the book through Ana's eyes. This is the first knob she's ever seen, so OF COURSE it's going to be the biggest one she's ever seen. Realistically, Christian is probably average size, so guys, you've got nothing to be worried about. Unless you have a really small knob.

We also have to remember that this is Ana's first experience of seeing a penis. They are truly horrible, looking all floppy and apologetic one minute then bold and angry the next. Why hasn't she screamed and run away, faced with Christian's intimidating erection? I would have respected Ana a bit more if she'd have said 'That thing is not coming anywhere near me.' As we all know, this doesn't happen and Christian SLAMS into her. If this was Mortal Kombat, Christian would have just performed a Flawless Victory AND a Fatality on Ana. She has just been roundhouse kicked in the vagina by Christian Grey's gargantuan penis. She feels completely full. Full of cock. This is proved as the tip of Christian's penis is apparently poking out of her mouth.

Within about 10 seconds of sweaty thrusting, there are more explosions as Ana 'splinters into a million pieces' and Christian 'empties himself.' Yup....he empties himself as if he's pouring out some milk that's past it's sell by date. Warm, lumpy smelly milk. Ana struggles to contain her delight at her 2 orgasms and compares the feeling to a spin cycle on a washing machine. As Ana is a woman, her only points of reference are domestic appliances. Later on, when Christian is prodding her with his massive cock, she compares it to that time she tried to fit her big casserole pot inside the dishwasher. If any young women are reading this, remember that Ana is an excellent role model and you should try to be as much like her as you can when you grow up.  E L James really has created an empowering character that does away with so many stereotypes of the meek, man-pleasing housewife.

After Ana has stopped fantasising about smoothie makers, Christian boa-constricts himself around her. Here's a challenge. Try to work out what is going on here: 

'He shifts so he's between my legs, pressed against my back, and his hand travels up my thigh to my behind.' 

Can someone please draw me a diagram of what is going on here? I've tried really hard to picture what is going on and how they are both lying, but I've not NO idea. If you would like to submit an entry to my 50 Shades art competition, please send your entries to dvdjmskng@gmail.com I will post any entries in a separate blog post and I'll try to come up with a sub-standard prize. If you don't want to draw a picture of this, feel free to draw me something 50 Shades related.

Back to the action and Christian pops a finger inside Ana and then puts the finger straight into her mouth. As he's just deflowered her, she tastes her own blood. Ana doesn't like cheese and isn't a fan of grapes, but feed her blood and vag juice and she'll lap it up. You probably already know this but 50 Shades started out as Twilight fanfiction. You would never have guessed it based on this little exchange.

When he's finished mouth-raping her, Christian pulls out an unspecific foil packet. I think that it's a packet of Panini Premier League stickers that he's collecting. If he's lucky he'll get a shiny of Theo Walcott. After he's finished putting his new stickers into his album, he gets back to smashing Ana. He wants her to remember him tomorrow so he makes her come for the 3rd time then as she's moaning away, he whips out a can of spray paint and tags her ass. Haha...try to forget him now Ana! Oh...and rather than emptying himself, he 'pours himself' into Ana this time, making it sound like he's coming for 5-10 minutes.

'I WANT TO TURN IT OFF BUT I CAN'T!!'


After that little display, Ana falls fast asleep and wakes up a few hours later to find Christian rudely playing the piano at about 4am. It may not sound too distracting, but he may as well have filled the house with obnoxious Drum'n'Bass and put Ana's head in the subwoofer. He tells her that he can't sleep, so rather than get on with a nice quiet activity like a jigsaw, he decided to smash away at the piano, playing some monotonous dirge. We find out that Christian started playing the piano when he was 6 and Ana imagines a younger version of Christian with a silly haircut and a love of sad music. She's basically imagining an Emo kid. As a reformed Emo kid, I feel well placed to make that judgement.

Wandering back to the bedroom, she is faced with bloody sheets, a beautiful souvenir of her first night with Christian. Ana tries to touch him on the chest, but he pulls away. Sad music? Not wanting to be touched? A bit Emo? There is another side to Christian...and I imagine we'll be hearing all about it pretty soon.

I'm going to regain some masculinity over the next few days as I'm off on a Stag Weekend. Chapter 9 will be up on either Monday or Tuesday...so that gives you a few days to e-mail a drawing to me...and gives me a few days to figure out a prize for my favourite. I am fully anticipating no one to enter, so I'm just going to get something I want.

As always, follow me on Twitter. I promise I don't go on about 50 Shades all the time - @dvdjmskng
You can also e-mail me - dvdjmskng@gmail.com
If you feel like it, leave a comment below...

Thanks for reading!

Comments

  1. Noooo I cant wait that long for the next entry hahah have fun on your stag night and maybe ask a few ladies if they would like their minge to be sniffed? But you might get punched directly in the throatbox so be careful.

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    1. I didn't ask anyone if they want their minge to be sniffed and I didn't even try to rape anyone. I don't know whether I can consider that a successful night out or not?

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  2. Dave,

    You are a hero. You are suffering so that others do not have to. But whereas you give us the gift of laughter, you receive only pain. I would rather disembowel myself than read '50 Shades', all the while knowing that the 'author' already has more readers than all the great writers put together (who knows, maybe). I salute you.

    The fat doc.

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    1. Think of me as a good Samaritan...but a really grumpy one. Cheers for reading the blog!

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    2. "You are suffering so that others do not have to. But whereas you give us the gift of laughter, you receive only pain."??? Sounds like Dave is the submissive one in this piece of lip-bitingly droll textual intercourse. I came late to this 'York Notes' for 50 Shades; thanks for all the hilarity. You know this tripe even got a review in the LRB: http://bit.ly/N1OgZg.

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  3. Oh. My. God you are hilarious!!! My friend and I just flew from DC to Boston this morning and the first thing we said when we landed was ..., I wonder if chapter 8 is up yet. We've now got to wait until next week for 9, can't wait.
    Keep up the great work :-)

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    1. Haha...I'd LOVE to be able to get a chapter up every day. That way, it would all be over much sooner. However, if I did that, I would literally go mental. Hope the 2 day wait between chapters is tolerable! Thanks for reading + great to hear that you look forward to checking out the blog!

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  4. Having just read this book, and being in some aspects of BDSM, I was very disappointed by it- he seems like a total ass and she is, as you say, a wet blanket with no personality. However, I have not laughed out loud so much at anything in ages...so please, hurry up and get reading/writing the rest of it! Oh, and you're going to get really, really, unimpressed!

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    1. I have heard rumors about what I have to 'look forward' to and I think I'm going to have to start writing with a bucket close by, just in case I need to projectile vomit into it.

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  5. My elder sister bought the trilogy but, after reading only a few chapters, handed to my wife saying how she,"couldn't relate to pathetic story of a young virgin woman who, despite not masturbating, comes as soon as two fingers are inside her" - nice woman my sister.
    Each time my wife reads the trilogy she complains at wasting, another, three days of her life. Even though my wife insists the books are trash, but compulsive, she insisted I gave them a read.
    I was able to filter the pages using the Kindle search function, this took a while 'cause E.L.James only ever refers to a vagina as 'sex' - Grow up E.L., especially as there are so many colourful words to chose.
    My wife (she's the one that 'laughs herself awake') said I would enjoy your blog, particularly as you, like me, are liberal with the 'C' word - she's right on both accounts. we both continue to share your blog with others who do likewise.
    Thank you & keep up the great work. You provide an excellent service in that I'll never have to read the books in full. Your work deserves to go viral.

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    1. Thanks ever so much for checking out the blog + for sharing it...much appreciated! It is a pretty brutal read and I really don't want any other men to go through what I am! Feel free to take my opinions and use them as your own, especially all of the 'c' words and 'f' words. Sometimes no other word will work!

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  6. E L James calls a vagina "a sex"? That's weird. Clearly she has no friends with whom to play that drinking game where you each have to say a different word for the clunge until you run out.

    I'm a writer, and I'm planning to write a parody of the book called "Fifty Shades of Brown". I was going to call the main guy Chris Brown because it's like a shit version of Christian Grey, but then I remembered Chris Brown is a real person and I don't really want to make the WHOLE book about someone punching Rihanna (just parts of it). Can anyone think of a good name for my protagonist?

    Also, Ana Steele. That's a name you give to a character who is a cheesy female spy or the alter ego of a superhero of some sort. This character should be called Carol Drizzle. Or Jane Meh.

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    1. Haha...Ana IS Carol Drizzle. That is amazing! She really is the human version of beige...or Switzerland.

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  7. Dammit, where's chapter 9? This is the funniest thing I've read since the last time I read something really, really (really) funny! (Really!) Brilliant stuff. A* and a million points to Gryffindor!

    I wonder if Ana gets a nice car at the end like Bella did in Twilight? Personally, if I were a girl (Which I'm not, not that there's anything wrong with being a girl. 'Each to their own' and all that.)I would've banged dog boy instead of the dead glittery guy. At least dog boy rode motorbikes and had big muscles. Which is kinda cool. There's no pleasing some people...

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    1. A MILLION points?! Sweet! I managed to sneak a little Harry Potter reference into Chapter 10.

      I've not read Twilight...why did Bella get a car? I think that Ana will be happy to still be alive at the end...anything else will just be a bonus.

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    2. From what I've heard is that she spends her time trying to decide whether she should commit necrophilia or bestiality. In the end she decides to have sex with the dead guy (which was AMAZING BTW, OMG!) and he gives her a Ferrari. Which is pretty cool.

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  8. still laughing, but also puking slightly at the description of Ana's de-flowering. If orgasms were that easy to come by, we women would never get the housework done...but then, my house is a bit of a tip, so I am not a real woman ;) Enjoy the stag weekend, bt get back to entertaining us as quicly as possible on Monday! x

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    1. Haha...you had pretty much the same reaction as me! Laughing while being physically sick is not a good look. I do love how he pops a finger inside and *BAM ORGASM* He looks at her and *BAM ORGASM* It is very very silly.

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  9. Been spreading your blog !

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    1. Sweet! Thank you so much...I hope the people you're sharing it with don't mind reading the 'c' or 'f' word 100 times in every paragraph!

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  10. this is hillarious. i can hardly see for the tears in my eyes. keep it up.

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    1. I'll do what I can! I've just had a sneak peek at chapter 11 and nearly died with boredom.

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  11. Charlotte Squires23 July 2012 at 12:37

    Dave, I've just sat and read all of these posts in one go. Genius, I haven't laughed so mcuh for ages - I've read all three books and the second 2 are pretty much the same, with the repeated lip biting, low slung jeans and eye rolling...but I sort of want you to carry on torturing yourself so you can blog about them as well! Can't wait for Chapter 9 :) Hope all is well with you xx

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    1. Hey! Great to hear from ya + thanks for checking out this silly blog! My next project is to write a book about camp so I'm sure I'll be popping some info up on Facebook about that when it's done. Hopefully I'll enjoy it more than this! I really don't think I will have the energy to read the 2nd + 3rd books. The writing bit is fine because I just get to be a massive bitch...but the reading bit is TOUGH! Sounds like I won't be missing much if I don't continue with the series. Hope you're good! xx

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  12. A wonderful review so far. I hope you will be available for my forthcoming agricultural epic 'Fifty grades of hay'. It does include some plant sex.

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  13. Playwomb...I just laughed out loud!

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  14. 'Does it matter that they don't know each other when he has such dreamy hair?' No I don't think it does. Dreamy hair is very important in a first bonk.
    'getting Ana in the mood for a good cocking' - did he actually stick his head up her vag? And on an angle? Ow?
    'Despite having no rules, I imagine that above Christian's bed are some instructions, treating sex like he's knocking up a shelving unit from Ikea.' - show us your Allen key or will he have to return her because of a missing screw.
    'Ana doesn't like cheese and isn't a fan of grapes, but feed her blood and vag juice and she'll lap it up' - suspect that the complete lack of personality might be down to a lack of iron.

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  15. I am laugh-crying into my soup

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