Chapter 6 In Brief
Woman goes to a man's house.
Chapter 6 - My View
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Chapter 6 is every bit as exciting and entertaining as the 'In Brief' synopsis makes it sound. For the 6th chapter in a row, Ana and Christian pussyfoot around each other saying words that don't mean anything and having the most mundane conversations known to man. I could quite easily smash my face into my keyboard and come up with better dialogue. Later on, I think I will actually give that a go and then release it as an e-book. E L James has managed to make a bunch of money by copying and pasting the words 'cocking,' 'biting,' and 'smile' into different configurations, so I figure that my face could come up with something as good, if not better. I'm basically suggesting the infinite monkey theory but using my face instead of a monkey's hands.
After surfing out on the tidal wave of Ana's gushing juices, Ana and Christian declare that the ride was 'radical' and they hi-five each other before getting into his car, a massive Audi. As we found out in the previous chapter, Christian looks like Michelangelo's David, Usually, I would assume that the massive car means that he is compensating for something but this is 50 Shades of Grey and regular logic does not apply. As a result, I imagine that Christian's penis is so big that he has to use the panoramic setting on his phone when he's sexting girls.
Getting into the car, Ana can't believe that the kiss happened, comparing it to the legend of King Arthur (because Christian's erection is sort of like a sword...but MUCH bigger) and the City of Atlantis (because she has just gushed so much that the city of Portland is now underwater.) To confirm the kiss did happen, Ana touches her lips. It is not specified which set of lips she touches...but we know.
Luckily, Christian's car was previously used for Duck Tours so they float away from the hotel, with the streets rapidly filling behind them. To distract himself from the strange turn of events, Christian turns on his MP3 player. The Flower Duet by Delibes comes on. If you don't know the Flower Duet, it's that opera song which goes
'BRAHHHHH DA DA DAH WAHHHHHHH DOO DOO DOO HEHEHHEOHOEOEOEOOOOOOOOOOOOOO'
I checked it out on YouTube and the comment section is full of cretins exclaiming 'OMG 50 Shades brought me here LOL!!' Here is an actual comment that someone left:
'Fifty shades of grey! We all here bcuzb of it :D'
Bcuzb? I think that one comment accurately sums up the target audience for this book. If the composer knew that this would happen, he would have thrown the sheet music into the nearest bin, set it on fire and then set his entire house on fire, just in case there was any lingering trace of the music.
After The Flower Duet finishes, Christian subtly plays 'Sex On Fire' by Kings of Leon. Presumably he played that song because no one has written a song called 'Taking A Girl To Your House To Smash Her Backdoors In.'
**Note to self...write and record a song called 'Taking A Girl To Your House To Smash Her Backdoors In' so that you can be in E L James next book**
Sadly, Sex on Fire is rudely interrupted by 3 phonecalls. If anything, that will only serve to improve the song. 2 of the calls sound businesslike, with talk of a NDA. After Googling NDA, it could either be about the Nuclear Decommissioning Authority (exciting) or a Non-Disclosure Agreement (boring.) Judging from the previous 5 chapters, I don't think that Christian and Ana are about to head off on a dangerous mission to fuck up some Russians who have double-crossed him and are now holding a nuclear warhead. Chances are, Ana will be asked to sign some paper. Yawn.
In the car, Christian tells her that what happened in the elevator won't happen again unless it's premeditated. I don't know about you, but spontaneity is completely overrated. What could be more attractive than pre-determined, robotic behaviour? Life with Christian is going to be a right laugh.
They pull up outside Ana's apartment, despite the fact that Grey has never asked where she lives. A Gentleman Rapist will always know where you live because you will be in no fit state to tell him your address. In a rare moment of non-creepy kindness, Christian opens the car door for Ana. For a change, she doesn't fall out, grazing her hands and knees on the floor.
In the apartment, Kate and Elliot are just hanging out, having clearly spent the night together. They seem to have some form of chemistry. To display this, they have a kiss which goes on for WAY too long. Ana and Christian stand around awkwardly, getting so bored that they play a game of Draw Something. Elliot finally lets go of Kate, confirming that the kiss was 'Drawsome.' Kate then literally melts into a puddle of estrogen as Elliot tells her 'Laters, baby' and blows her a kiss. I already hate their relationship. It's going to be the absolute opposite of Ana + Christian's relationship isn't it? If you know the answer to that question, please don't tell me because I really don't care. Plus, I've got another 20 chapters of this intolerable nonsense to get through.
Left alone, the 2 women have a chat. Actually, it depends on your understanding of the word 'chat' because Kate basically pummels Ana into submission with words. The chat is something along the lines of 'DIDYOUFUCKHIM?INYOURVAG?INTHEBUM?' This goes on for about 4 pages. At the end of the chat, and after a lot of squawking, neither woman has discovered any new information, rendering the entire exchange pointless. E L James...this is a BOOK. You are not transcribing a real life conversation. If the reader doesn't gain anything from long passages of non-stop tedium, leave it out! I can only imagine her editor went 'Fuck it...it's a book for idiots...they'll read any old shit.'
During the conversation, Ana tells Kate the 'unexciting' details of her night. I don't know about you, but if I was involved in 2 rapey scenarios, I'd classify that as mildly interesting. Ana does not. I can only assume that dismissing rapists is something that she does on a regular basis. Kate then pulls Ana into her room to ensure that she's looking irresistible for her next meeting with Grey. Here comes the 'She's All That' moment I was on about in a previous chapter. I can't remember which one...they all blend into each other.
Before she meets Christian, Ana has to go to work. We find out that Kate spent quite a bit of time plucking and shaving Ana. It must have taken her fucking ages. I can only imagine that along with cobwebs and dust, Ana had a plethora of pubes down there. She sounds like the sort of woman who thinks that a Brazilian is a really big number.
Newly shorn, Ana's mind wanders to our friend José who has cemented his status a danger to women by calling her 7 times, texting her 3 times and calling her home phone twice. Ana decides against contacting him, just in case he texts her a picture of his penis with the word 'sorry' scratched into the shaft.
While she's at work, Ana's inner goddess makes an appearance. I get the feeling that we're going to be hearing a lot more from the inner goddess who is as irritating as Ana. From what I can work out, she's basically Ana's subconscious. She's a sort of Jiminy Cricket character but unlike Jiminy Cricket, she's a total cunt.
On an unrelated issue, I'm impressed with myself that it's taken me 6 chapters to get so wound up that I've resorted to calling someone a cunt. Like Ana's gushing vagina, the floodgates have now opened, so expect to read that word an infinite amount of times over the next 20 chapters. The write-up for Chapter 26 might just be 'CUNTCUNTCUNTCUNTCUNTCUNTCUNTCUNT' You have been warned.
Upon leaving work, Christian is waiting outside and Taylor chaperones them to a nearby building where the helicopter is waiting. As they're lazy, they take the elevator up the 3 floors to the roof. There really didn't need to be an elevator in such a small building, but it gives E L James a chance to awkwardly shoehorn in a reference to what happened last time Ana + Christian were in an elevator. Ana thinks Christian is telepathic for realising they're in an elevator. In Ana's world, remembering a simple fact from the previous day is considered to be a sign of telepathy. If she ever saw Derren Brown she'd shit herself.
The helicopter has 'Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.' written on the side. It must be a rather large helicopter to fit all of that writing on. In case your brain is as low functioning as Ana's...Grey has a massive chopper. Y'know, like a willy.
Before getting into the helicopter, Christian is polite to another human being. Ana stares at the recipient of the kindness in awe. This basically shows just how much of a total shit Christian is. The fact that he has been cordial to 1 person is deserving of Ana's awe. They get into the helicopter and Christian straps Ana into what sounds like a child's booster seat, complete with about 1 million straps to ensure that she cannot get away even if she wanted to. I imagine that previous women who have flown with him have all tried to commit suicide after becoming so fed-up of the utter drivel that comes out of his mouth.
Christian then pushes lots of buttons, checks gauges says 'Charlie Tango Golf' and thinking that he's Dr Dre, uses the word 'cans' to describe some headphones. Despite the display of proficiency, Ana still needs to ask 'Do you know what you are doing?' Christian looks confidently at her and pushes the lever forwards. The helicopter lurches forwards and topples off the building. They both die. The end.
That is how the book should have ended. However, I just made that up. In actual fact, Christian is an amazing pilot and caresses the helicopter into the air, leaning back in his seat as his chopstick fingers tickle the controls. During the flight Ana does a lot more gushing, turning the helicopter into a flying fishbowl.
As they get closer to Seattle, Ana thinks of José for no obvious reason and comments that his favourite film is Blade Runner. No one cares. NO. ONE. She also thinks about calling him back. That is a conversation I'm already looking forward to. The bits with Ana and Christian are so dry and dull that I'm longing for the cheeky glint in José's eye as he starts thinking about another harebrained scheme to convince Ana to have sex with him.
They finally land on top of Christian's building in Seattle. He is once again called the 'Dark Knight' which Ana thinks is a fitting metaphor. If I get my way, Bane will be waiting in Christian's house and smash his backbone into a million pieces. Just so you know, that is not a Dark Knight Rises spoiler...it happens in the comics. If it does happen in the film...not my fault. Christian then displays all the manners of a Neanderthal by dragging Ana to ANOTHER elevator shaft. I really hope that E L James doesn't work or live in a tall building. I get the feeling that she fingers herself silly whenever she's in an elevator. So far we've had about 7 or 8 mentions of people riding in elevators. I never knew they were that exciting...but maybe E L James got her ideas for Ana's personality by listening to elevator music and thinking 'YES!! I need to make the main character the living embodiment of this music.'
We then find out that Christian lives in an absolute PAD, with lots of white and expensive shit inside. Ana turns into The Count from Sesame Street and starts listing all of the seating options in the house, including a dining table with 16 chairs, a breakfast bar with 6 chairs and a sofa which would seat 10 people. If Ana ever watched this video she would just dissolve into a puddle - http://youtu.be/eiNy6nlXqow
Getting bored of watching Ana count everything, Christian nips off to get a bottle of wine with a name that sounds pretentious. Ana contemplates making a joke about wanting to drink a margarita, but her personality dictates that she should just murmur a compliant answer. While they're drinking, they have the most dreadful conversation committed to page. Despite its simplicity, I had to read this 3 times to make sure I wasn't missing anything. Turns out I wasn't and the dialogue really is this dreadful. For those of you who don't believe this book is abhorrent, here is a sample of what I have to put up with:
Ana: 'It's a very big place you have here.'
Christian: 'It's big.'
WILL BOTH OF YOU PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP.
As they down their wine, Christian makes a Tess of the D'Urbervilles reference, telling her that he could either hold her to high ideals or debase her. I don't want to show off but....CALLED IT! Who wants to hi-five me? Anyone? Grey can shove his telepathy up his arse, I can see into the future of badly written books.
After having confirmed that the apartment is big, Grey whips out.....a non-disclosure agreement. It basically states that Ana cannot talk to anyone about what they get up to, just in case he gets into trouble. Desperate for some cocking, she doesn't bother reading it and signs it, popping 1 copy into her purse, telling Christian that she won't tell anyone about what they get up to. BULLSHIT. Ana is a girl. Kate is a girl. By their very nature, they will speak about boys and ribbons and periods and things. Also, as Kate is a master inquisitor, she'll get something out of Ana. Christian is happy that the admin procedures have been completed. Now she's filled out his boxes, he can get on with filling her box.
He leads her off to his 'playroom' which sounds utterly boring. He doesn't even have an Xbox OR a Playstation. No FIFA? No COD? This sounds like it's going to be the worst playroom ever. I will be very disappointed if Christian doesn't have a beanbag, a 50" HDTV and a copy of Grandma's Boy on DVD inside the playroom.
Christian opens the door. Ana walks in and feels like she's travelled back to the 16th Century. We'll soon find out what is behind the door but it sounds like Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, Henry VIII and Shakespeare are there, playing Call of Duty and shouting 'NOOB' at each other. Sweet.
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