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50 Shades of Grey Chapter 10 - 50 Shades of Mums

Chapter 10 In Brief 

Man tells woman a secret.


Chapter 10 - My View 

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EXCITING NEWS!! There has been 1 entry to the drawing competition. The entry comes from Poli Begum, aged 26 and a half.  
Pictures: worth 1000 words
As this is the only entry to the drawing competition (so far) I declare Poli to be the WINNER!! However, as it is the only drawing I have received, she is also the loser. This picture is simultaneously the best AND worst picture that I have been sent.

I'm not an art critic, but looking at the picture, it really does encapsulate everything we know about Ana and Christian's relationship. Here is what we can deduce from it:

- Their expressions are totally impassive as if having sex is more of a formality than something to be enjoyed.
- Christian is wearing his tie because he's just given Ana a health and safety briefing about the dangers of having massive pubes.
- She's put on a bit of lipstick because she's had sex with Christian and is now under the impression that she's invented femininity.
- Their 'just-fucked' hair is all over the place. Ana should probably grab a few hair ties otherwise her subconscious will call her a twat for looking like a hedge.
- Christian has a black cock. From Ana's description, we knew that it was big...so Poli has cleverly imagined him has having a penis the size and girth of Shaquille O'Neal's arm.
- The penis has been drawn using scribbled lines, making it look angry, ominous, omnivorous and omnipotent.

It really is an excellent picture...the VERY best that I have received.

However, as it is also the worst one I've been sent, this picture is the most terrible thing I have ever seen and Poli should be ashamed to have sent it to me.

Feel free to send your 50 Shades pictures to dvdjmskng@gmail.com

On with the recap....

So Christian's mother is here for reasons that will undoubtedly become clear. Surely she isn't just here because it'd be embarrassing for your Mum to walk in when you're having sex?

After coming to the sound of his Mum's voice in the hall, Christian pulls his massive penis out of Ana and throws the condom into the bin. As Christian is an absolute legend, the condom arcs through the air and gets nothing but net as it nestles in the bin without touching the sides. In contrast, I imagine that Ana is still very tight so sex with her will not yet be like throwing a condom into a bin. I'm sure that Christian will see to that over the next 13 chapters...as well as the next 2 books which I am already refusing to read unless someone is willing to pay me a significant amount of money.

Releasing Ana from being tied up, she's annoyed to find that her clothes are screwed up all over the floor. If only she was more like Christian, taking time to neatly fold his clothes before sex, she wouldn't have that problem. It's little things like this that make you realise that Ana is still an absolute amateur. After wearing one of his shirts and rifling through his closet in the previous chapter, she continues her transformation into Christian, by popping on a pair of his boxers and fashioning a belt from her pubes to keep the boxers from falling down.As she does this, her subconscious mouths the word 'ho' at her. I don't know about anyone else, but the fact that Ana has 2 imaginary friends is troubling me. It seems borderline schizophrenic. Despite acting like an infant, she is actually a grown woman and should not be acknowledging the presence of anything else apart from things that are real. Sadly, as Christian is real, she will continue to have long conversations about nothing with him. If Ana had an imaginary friend like Drop Dead Fred, this book would be significantly better. As this book started out as Twilight fanfiction, I might write my own 50 Shades fanfiction where a woman's relationships are constantly sabotaged by her imaginary friend who is basically a massive twat. Oh...that basically is just the plot to Drop Dead Fred. Shit.

Entering the living room, practically dressed as Christian (which isn't at all creepy) Ana meets Grace Trevelyan-Grey, Christian's Mum. As she is a woman, she cannot appear to be a strong character so she murmurs a meek greeting to Ana. Ana murmurs a greeting in return but the acoustics of the MASSIVE room pick it up, making it sound like Ana is shouting at a quite intolerable level. Christian asks if they can shut up and communicate only through sexy coded lip-biting while he wanks in the corner.

Before the conversation gets too awkward (or sexy,) Ana's phone rings. She doesn't check who is calling and assumes it will be Kate. In fairness, that's a pretty bold assumption to make seeing as Kate did not ring her after disappearing on a night out. It turns out that it's not Kate on the end of the phone. I know this because the first words out of the callers mouth are 'Dios Mio!' HOORAY!!! It's José!! Have you missed him as much as I have? I hated José to start with, but this book has become so relentlessly grim that I see a potential rapist as a bit of light relief. Sadly, our time with José is relatively short as Ana hangs up on him before he can tell her about a really nice piñata which he has bought.

Ana reenters the living room just as Mrs Grey is leaving. I've calculated the time that she spent in the house and I'm almost positive that she was there for about 40 seconds. So...it seems that the only reason for her appearance was to create a situation where Christian should feel awkward for having consensual sex in his own house. Like an efficient ghost, Taylor appears and escorts Mrs Grey out of the house which I am going to call Castle Greyskull from now on.Seconds later he reappears. If Taylor can apparate, what on earth is he doing working for Christian? If I was able to disappear and reappear wherever I wanted, my life would be 'I'M IN DUBAI BITCHES! FUCK YOU, NOW I'M IN ROME! PSYCH, NOW I'M UNDERWATER!' Rather than use his powers to piss about, Taylor just moves about 5 feet, from the door to beside Christian's side.

Christian's phone goes off and he discovers that there is an issue with the Darfur shipment. I assume that means that one of the girls they're looking to traffic has AIDS or something. She'll be no use to anyone. Christian agrees to an air drop, so they're essentially going to throw her out of the plane. That's pretty heartless, even by Christian's standards. To add some weight to my 'Christian Grey is a sex trafficker' argument, he doesn't seem to do much work for someone who owns a massive company. So far all he's done is barge his way into a young woman's life to the point where she has relented and agreed to do what he wants. The fact he can spend so much time and money pursuing 1 woman pretty much goes to show that he has ulterior motives.

Angry that they've had to drop off the woman who is riddled with AIDS, Christian gets a bit pouty and hands Ana another contract, telling her to do some research into what is involved. She questions why she would need to do some research so Christian points her to the Internet. I imagine that by now, you have probably heard of the Internet. Recent studies have shown that 'shitloads' of people use the Internet. Some even use it for things other than Googling 'Emma Watson Topless.' Here is Ana's actual reaction to being told to do some research: 

'Internet! I don't have access to a computer...' 

Pardon? 

'...only Kate's laptop and I couldn't use Claytons', not for this sort of 'research' surely?' 

Ummm...what?

EVERYONE IN THE WORLD OWNS A COMPUTER!! YOU'RE A UNIVERSITY STUDENT...OF COURSE YOU HAVE A COMPUTER.

Of all the implausible things that have happened throughout the course of this book, this is the one that defies all logic and belief. How on earth has Ana done her work? Written on papyrus? Carved answers into the walls of the classroom? Mumbled them into a dictaphone? If she genuinely doesn't have access to a computer, WSU must be a terrible university. I'm guessing E L James didn't get an offer to study there or something.

It's time for Christian and Ana to leave Castle Greyskull because Ana has to work in the morning. They get into yet another elevator and Ana explains that she'd like to ask Kate some sex questions. Christian gets worried that Kate won't be able to keep her mouth shut. He's got nothing to worry about, it's her legs that she can't keep shut. Ana doesn't go into specifics about what she wants to ask Kate, but I imagine she's interested in finding out if it's true about 'one in the bum, no harm done.' Following their conversation, Christian gets all upset and tells Ana that the sooner he has her submission, the better because she will then stop defying him. By 'defying' I think Christian means 'having friends.'

They drive off towards Portland in complete silence. I've always thought that the best thing about new relationships is that bit where you both have absolutely nothing to say to each other. To pass the time, Ana plays a guessing game called 'What Does Christian Like?' It's a pretty quick game because there is not much around. She works out that he likes pliable women and cars, but also discovers a Seattle Mariners hat in the car. Rather than use the hat as a topic of conversation, Ana settles back to listen to the stereo. Christian is playing 'I'm On Fire' by Springsteen. Last time they were in the car he played 'Sex On Fire.' Will there be a chapter where they go for a curry and he plays 'Ring of Fire?' Are they going to go and commit arson one day, then drive away listening to 'Firestarter?' Christian's fire playlist is ridiculous.

Feeling peckish, they pull into a restaurant called 'Cuisine Sauvage' which roughly translates as 'Dead Animals We Found On The Road.' Christian tells Ana that they don't get a choice about what food they get as everything is either caught or gathered. Ana silently prays that they catch Christian's cock pretty quickly. Christian orders 2 glasses of Pinot Grigio but the waitress informs them that they haven't managed to catch any Pinot Grigio's today. Instead, she pops 2 glasses under her skirt, pisses in them and pops them on a table, complete with a cocktail umbrella.

While they wait for their food, Christian and Ana have a chat. He tells her that his mother liked her, probably because Ana was pretty much dressed up as Christian at the time. Very soon some Nettle Soup is brought out and after staring the waitress down with his cyborg eyes, Christian turns conversation to more light hearted matters, specifically the time that he was RAPED at the age of 15. Now, the word RAPED is not in the book...and if it was, it certainly wouldn't be in capitals, but that is exactly what happened to Christian. Quite why he thought it would make a pleasant dinner conversation is anyone's guess. It's just a good thing they didn't choose to go to Wagamama's for food. The people sitting uncomfortably close on the wooden benches would have to resort to awkwardly staring into their Chicken Katsu Curry while Christian regaled Ana with rape stories.

So yeah...Christian was raped. He tells Ana that he was seduced by an older woman and was her sub for 6 years. This is why he has never had vanilla sex, why he's never had a girlfriend and is also his excuse for treating women so poorly (although he never says this.) Thinking back to these times he 'smiles fondly.' WHY IS HE SMILING? He was raped by an old lady who would have beaten him up...and he's smiling?? He seems to have some sort of Stockholm Syndrome, because I can't imagine too many rape victims smile or smirk (oh yes, he smirks) when thinking about their experiences. The Fritzl kids probably don't have gatherings where they look through old photo albums, chuckling about the time their father viciously raped them...but to Christian, being a sub for 6 years represented a happy, carefree time in his life. How utterly UTTERLY ridiculous. However, I'm still more mad that Ana doesn't have a computer.


The waitress brings out some roadkill and Christian explains that the woman was a friend of his mothers who he still sees. When he was her sub, he found it difficult to fit the rapes around his studies. I was always told that an education is important, but I never thought that the reason for this would be to give you less time to be raped. Unsurprisingly, given the revelation, Ana doesn't want to eat because the roadkill is making her think of flappy old lady labia. He scowls at her for a bit, but then remembers a time when the old lady broke both of his ankles to stop him running away. Thinking about this sends him into fits of giggles so he doesn't chastise Ana for not eating the meat.

They drive back to Ana's apartment in silence. As Christian has a playlist for every mood, he pops on 'Rape Me' by Nirvana. Back at the apartment, Christian leaves but agrees to pick Ana up on Wednesday after she's read the contract and done some research into what he's asking her to do. As she steps inside, Kate immediately starts asking questions. Once again we get told that Kate is tenacious. Some call it tenacity, others call it being fucking nosy. Ana takes the NDA extremely seriously and doesn't really tell Kate anything. This leads Kate into reciting a monologue about her first time with Steve Paton, who was a 'dickless jock.' Dickless?? Kate, you're doing it all wrong! You can't have sex with a eunuch. She goes on about penetrative sex, a term that no 22 year old woman will have used before and finally lets Ana speak about her next date. She also reminds herself to Google 'What is the Internet?' and 'Penalties for breaching a nondisclosure agreement.'

Ana then decides that she is hungry and feels relaxed for the first time since she was at the bar. Coincidentally, her relaxed states have coincided with the times that Christian is not there. It can't be anything to do with the fact that he's a controlling, intense lunatic with highly specific playlists. Kate manages to snap her out of her relaxed mood by telling her that José has been calling every hour on the hour. Guys, if there's one thing that women LOVE, it's when you persistently call them every single hour of the day. I find it's better if you set your watch so that you can call them at precisely the same time every hour. They also love being sent blurry pictures of your erection and effigies that you have made of them. If you're single, follow those 3 easy steps and you'll definitely get a girlfriend in no time.

Kate and Ana stand around talking about Elliot when the phone rings. Who could this possibly be??

'DIOS MIO MOTHERFUCKERS!!'

Yeah...it's José. He tries to qualify his attack on Ana with a series of apologies and whiny noises, telling Ana that if he kissed her, she might change how she feels. I imagine that's how all rapists think

'If I rape her, she'll love it and definitely want more.'

It is unhinged thoughts like this which make José so dangerous. He doesn't know what he's doing and after apologising, he manages to insult Ana, telling her that she's only with Christian for the money. As we know, that's only partly true, she also gets a diet plan, a nicely decorated bedroom, a finely-tuned life and the chance to get the shit beaten out of her on a regular basis. Rather than tell José to go fuck a burrito, she agrees to call him tomorrow.

Sitting there, she goes through the pros and cons of Christian and José...because the only logical decision is to either go out with a Gentleman Rapist or an actual rapist. She even thinks that José is 'easy to deal with' By that, I think she means that he'd be easier to fight off. As we know, Christian is built like a wall whereas I imagine José as a small mouse wearing a sombrero. I think even I'd fancy my chances in a fight against a small mouse in a sombrero. She then thinks about the good moments with Christian. They are very limited. First you have a conversation over breakfast before he went all weird about her not eating. Secondly there was the helicopter ride where he was basically showing off. Finally was when he played the piano which wasn't even for her benefit. None of those moments mention laughter or actual fun. It's just a series of sombre scenarios played out in the presence of a nagging man. I don't know whether we're supposed to wonder which of the men Ana will end up with because I think that's fairly obvious. The book isn't called 50 Shades of José.

In bed, Ana rips open the envelope containing the contract. Inside is....

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Comments

  1. "I was always told that an education is important, but I never thought that the reason for this would be to give you less time to be raped" this is my favourite part yet x

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  2. Loved the post, it made me laugh, HOWEVER I'm about to get all Northwest Nerdy on you up in here. Does it actually say that Ana goes to WSU? Does it say she lives in Portland? Has she already graduated? Because if not, E.L. James did an abysmal job researching the geographic details of this book, and I'm 100% prepared to draw you some terrible MS Paint drawing to illustrate this. Let me know what I'm working with, and I will get started.

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  3. Funny stuff! I have to say though, the mother coming in for all of 30 seconds does make me wonder if she isn't actually in on Mr. grey's little flesh trade and was just coming in to inspect the new goods...

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  4. Heather Martin25 July 2012 at 21:12

    So flipping funny!!!!!

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  5. OMG, thanks Dave for making my day yet again :D Your writing is hilarious (and I shouldn't read it at work since I keep cracking up while doing so and get very weird looks from my colleagues) and I hope you keep going on, getting through the whole book! You can do it! ;)

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  6. the drawing was excellent. it really cleared a lot of things up for me.
    The description of jose is hillarious, well done.
    keep it up look forward to the next chapter.

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  7. Loving your blogs. I'm sure all this laughter are tightening my stomach muscles

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  8. This is just too funny. The way you praised and then dissed that picture had me rolling! Keep them coming...

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  9. ‘the next 2 books which I am already refusing to read unless someone is willing to pay me a significant amount of money’ I knew it! Chicken shit! Does your inclusion of Drop Dead Fred references include the possibility that Rick Mayall could play Christian in the movie – hot! Here’s a hypothetical for you – if a victim of the sex trade with an undiagnosed STD is dropped from a plane over the Pacific Ocean, does anyone hear the tree fall in the forest?

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    Replies
    1. Hey there! Loving your comments! Great to get some thoughts about my thoughts on EL James' thoughts. It's basically like Inception...but for poorly written erotic fiction.

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  10. A point you forgot in your art critique: stick figure Ana (note that Christian isn't a stick figure) is a reference to her eating disorder.

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  11. you know on a serious note, i actaully think e l james is aware how dysfunctional there relationship is because she has kate and eliot in parallel to critique every controlling shit happening but she has no text evidence which shows she is anti-stalker . i know stalking is an age-old harmful trope and thanks to this book coming out people are actively talking about it. e l james on the other hand does not write anywhere once in all the three books that staking is not right just "illegal". wth! this book may or may not romantic es violence but surely it romanticizes stalking for both men and women( but only man's one is dangerous-leila-and the women's one is romantic-christian)

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