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50 Shades of Grey Chapter 9 - 50 Shades of Bubblebath

Chapter 9 in Brief 

Man and woman go through a morning routine. 

Chapter 9 - My View 

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Despite the fact that I spent all weekend trying to be a man, I did end up talking about 50 Shades quite a lot. More than I would have liked. I also saw a girl getting touched up outside a club. I laughed and thought to myself 'You're so Ana!' I didn't offer to help her, because the book has led me to believe that if ever a woman is in trouble, a mysterious gentleman who has been tracking her phone will come to her aid. At least I think that's how real life works. Quite frankly, I don't know any more.

As predicted there were no entries to the 50 Shades drawing competition. Either you're shit at drawing or you have better things to be doing than drawing a picture of Christian consuming Ana with his lengthy limbs. I'm guessing the reason for the lack of pictures is the former rather than the latter. As there were no entries, I have declared myself the winner of the drawing competition despite not putting pen to paper at all. There's something else to add to my CV, along with the '#1 Son Award' which was awarded to me by my Dad. I've also added him as a reference, but for some reason employers find that he is biased when they contact him.

So, based upon what you know of the book so far it won't surprise you to learn that Chapter 9 is ridiculous...even by 50 Shades of Grey standards which are really quite low. This is the book where men can stalk women and rather than getting scared and calling the police, they LOVE it. Remember...if you're being stalked, it's just because the man wants to drive you off in his car, undress you and then buy you some clothes. You like clothes don't you?

We join Ana and Christian in bed where he has broken ANOTHER one of his rules by spending the night in a bed with a woman. The rules, non disclosure agreement and contract are all just a waste of time. The only reason for them to exist is that they must be connected to Christian's company in some way. So far we know nothing about Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. apart from the fact that it has an unreasonably long and cumbersome name. I'd hate to be the receptionist who has to say that when answering the phone. Productivity must be fairly low because employees will spend 20% of each working day just saying the name of the company.

Anyway, I digress. From all of the paperwork involved in getting Christian Grey to finger you, I think it's fair to assume that GEHI (catchy) has something to do with the trafficking of women. Think about it. Christian is part of a network which preys on suggestible girls and ends up selling them to the highest bidder. I've basically just described the plot of 'Taken' to you, but you get the idea. Christian has had 15 previous girlfriends, none of which are around any more. That is quite a lot of girlfriends for a fairly young man so I'm pretty certain that he works with them, turning them into completely submissive entities before selling them on to other men to have their way with them. He does all of the work to get them ready and then gets all of the money from the sales. This would also explain why he wants Ana to sleep when he says, dress in what he buys, eat sensibly and exercise often. By not sleeping in her bed, he's ensuring that boundaries are kept and ensuring that neither of them gets too attached. Hopefully in Chapter 10 Liam Neeson will turn up and kill EVERYONE, including Ana and the rest of the book is just blank pages. I cannot tell you how happy that would make me.

Ana lies in bed staring at Christian then gets up to go and have a poo. She puts Christian's shirt on, a gesture which is a little too familiar for my liking. Now that Ana's hymen is lying in tatters, she thinks she's the very definition of coy femininity and can do whatever she wants. Next thing you know she'll be wandering into Christian's closet, looking for a suit to put on over the shirt.

As it happens, Ana DOES go into Christian's closet, but by accident because she was actually looking for the bathroom. That reminds me of this time at work where a man came in for a meeting and got all discombobulated when he left, opened up a cupboard and tried to step into it. He was a bit confused when he was greeted with boxes of printer paper rather than the exit.

After using a map and compass to find that bathroom, Ana's subconscious wakes up and makes a catty remark about losing her virginity to a man who doesn't love her. Unless I'm mistaken, Ana has both a subconscious and an 'Inner Goddess.' It's tough to tell them apart because they both absolute dicks, but the subconscious wants to keep Ana pure and innocent while the Inner Goddess is thrilled that Ana is getting obliterated by cock. Standing in the bathroom, Ana doesn't like the look of her 'just-fucked' hair. To remedy that problem, she fashions her pubes into a ponytail.

Finding her phone, Ana heads into the kitchen. She has 3 messages from Kate, all of which are something along the lines of 'RU GETIN BUMD? ;-) LOL?' It's nice to see that Kate has finally put her friendship above a man's cock...but having said that, she clearly wasn't worried enough to call Ana, or alert the police that she'd not seen her friend for 2 days and that the last time she had seen her was when she stumbled out of a bar having gotten drunk for the first time ever. Kate is the worst friend ever. She hasn't even called. If your friend had been kidnapped by a man you think is dangerous, wouldn't you at least call them once?

Ana calls Kate who doesn't answer. Why would she? She's clearly done all that she can to contact Ana. She's sent 3 texts. What more could she have done? Ana leaves Kate a message, referencing Bluebeard. Now, I have never heard of Bluebeard before. He's certainly not been mentioned in the book, so I just assumed he was a silly 18th Century pirate who was famous for sailing around the world, pestering girls and making double entendres about 'booty.' As it turns out, Bluebeard is a violent nobleman who murdered his wives. The very fact that Ana is comparing Christian a murderer is probably not a good sign. I appreciate that some women get turned on by bad boys, but I don't think anyone has ever voluntarily been with a man, thinking 'Fingers crossed I don't get murdered tonight, that would really spoil my day.'

Heading into the kitchen, Ana slips her iPod into the shirt pocket and puts her hair into pigtails so that Christian can ride her like a sleigh later on. Getting into the kitchen, she is completely overwhelmed and stands there, unable to do anything. She can't even work out how to open the cupboards. I don't quite know who designed Christian's kitchen, but it sounds like a fucking nightmare. In my kitchen I like things to be simple. If I am going to get a bowl of cereal, I don't want to have to solve a riddle to get into the fridge or harness a cow just to get some milk. I guess that as Ana will be on a strict diet, Christian is making it as hard as possible for her to get food to the point where she passes out with confusion.

She finally starts making some pancakes, but as she can't figure out how anything works or turns on, she ends up substituting all of the ingredients for water. While she's doing this, Christian lowers himself in from the ceiling (just one of the features of the kitchen) and watches her gormlessly scramble around the kitchen. When she finally sees him she turns puce which is an unpleasant word and an even more unpleasant colour for a human being to turn. While Ana fixes breakfast, they cleverly use food as code for sex. Christian grabs a plunger and starts shoving it into the sink while Ana pops a banana into a bucket. She also asks how he wants his eggs. He replies 'Thoroughly whisked and beaten.' I never knew eggs were sexy, but I've just had to stop writing for a few minutes so that I could have some alone time with one in the bathroom.

While they eat their sexy eggs, Christian tells Ana that she can stay for some more training. She already has a tick in the 'Having your hymen shredded' box and Christian would now like to add a gold star into the 'Taking a gobful of cock' box. Christian's approach to sex is very much like a manual. There are a lot of instructions and warnings before you get to the interesting bit. Most people completely ignore these warnings because they are boring but Christian loves to lecture Ana about what she can and can't do. Upon finding out that she'll be taking a cock after breakfast, Ana starts chewing away at her own face which Christian finds very arousing. As Ana does nothing but communicate using 1 syllable words and biting her lip, I can only imagine the horrific state of her lips, all chapped and blistered. Knowing that the cock will fill her up, Ana decides against eating any more food. This is another meal that Ana has turned down. Anyone would think she's Ana-rexic. Christian tries in vain to get her to eat, telling her about the poor children in Africa who don't have any food but Ana is unmoved and is saved by a phonecall.

Hey everyone, it's Kate!! She shows mild concern for Ana, but rather than asking her what happened the other night, she immediately  jumps in with the sex questions. As Ana has signed the Non-Disclosure Agreement, she can't say anything which is just as well otherwise the next few chapters would be taken up with boring girl conversations where they talk about everything in painful detail and try to read things into the smallest, most meaningless gestures.

The call only lasts a few seconds so Ana's attention is turned back to Christian who tells her that he's never had vanilla sex before. For those of you who are unfamiliar with vanilla sex, it's like neapolitan sex, but without the brown or pink. I'll let you come up with your own (potentially racist) threesome joke.

Christian runs a bath which froths and foams. Coincidentally, that is exactly what is happening between Ana's legs at this time. She gets in and immediately starts biting her lip. Christian tells her off and then tells her that she is sore. He knows this because his cock is SO massive, any woman would be sore after taking his skyscraper of a penis.

Before anything can happen, Christian runs a quick health and safety check along with a COSHH assessment and a litmus test. Luckily for Ana, he finds the iPod in the shirt pocket and like a pernickety old twit, reminds her that water and electricity does not mix. Christian is such a buzzkill. He makes her stand in front of him, completely naked, making her feel super self-conscious. Eventually she's allowed to sit down, with him behind her. He starts to wash her all over and Ana internally thanks Kate for making her shave her armpits. She really was a disaster beforehand. Even Laney Boggs from She's All That had a semblance of personal hygiene before Freddie Prinze Jr. got his hands on her. Christian continues to wash her with an old rag before minge-teasing her for a bit. He then stops suddenly and makes Ana turn around. She finds herself at eye-level with Christian's erection which he is holding, probably with 2 hands because it's so MASSIVE. As she's now eye-to-eye with Christian's cock, Ana can't quite believe that she took it all in last night. Hopefully she doesn't have a small mouth.

What then proceeds is the worlds quickest description of a blowjob: 

'I realize that I'm staring. I swallow.' 

Actually, that's a lie. Rather than swallowing  bucketload of cum, Ana merely gulps at the prospect of giving Christian a beej. She starts wanking his soapy willy while he looks at her, 'his gaze a scorching molten grey.' Firstly, that seems to be a MASSIVE it possible to have a scorching gray? A molten grey? Secondly, NEVER wank Christian off. If you did, it would be like wanking off Sauron's Tower. Terrifying.

Taking it into her mouth, Ana declares that he tastes good, so we can add men's cocks to the list of things that Ana will eat, along with blood and her own gushings. Personally, I prefer a nice sandwich. She sucks him off for a bit, then deepthroats him, thrilled that she's sucking on a Christian Grey popsicle. Before too long he comes in her mouth and she laps it up. Rather than giving her a gold star, Christian tells her that she gets an 'A' in oral skills. Or if you want to look at it another way, she's got an 'A' for doing exactly what she's told by a man. Ana is going to pass the 'Victorian Housewife' test with flying colours.

Immediately after jizzing in her mouth, Christian leaps out of the bath and declares something along the lines of 'TO THE BEDROOM. I MUST ADMINISTER AN ORGASM.' In the room, Christian gets a tie out of the closet and ties Ana's hands above her head. He must have learnt that from Boy Scouts. I think that Baden-Powell was fond of the knot which renders a young boy defenseless. Christian comments on Ana's pigtails, telling her that she looks young. For someone who doesn't want to bring children into the bedroom, that is a fairly risky comment to make. Due to Christian's complete disregard for his own rules, it's only a matter of time before he tried to make Ana have sex with a Goose...and I'm not talking about Goose from Top Gun, I'm talking about an actual Goose.

Christian kisses Ana all over and then starts smelling her pubes again. She gets all embarrassed when he goes to kiss her 'down there' despite not really caring when she had a mouthful of cock or when she was bleeding all over his sheets. He makes her cum and as she's regaining her senses, Christian opens up another foil pack of football stickers. He's so annoyed that he just got a load of swapsies and Rickie Lambert that he purposefully collides his genitals with hers. You can tell this book is a work of fiction because for the 3rd time in a row, they have a simultaneous orgasm.

With no time for her subconscious to call her a twat, Christian and Ana hear voices. One of them is Taylor. The other one...Christian's Mum. Oh. Emm. Gee.

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  1. Anyone would think she's Ana-rexic.

    ... Appalling pun. I felt physically sick when I read it, so well done you.

    1. Hooray for bad puns! I like to think that is one of my worst so far...but I'm sure the book will give me plenty of chances to make more.

  2. again i can hardly see for the tears in my eyes.

  3. When I first started book 1 I turned to my husband and said. It has been a long time since I have read a book like this, but I think I have seriously lost the ability to read.. I was really worried. I just couldn't get it together, then after that it was pretty much a blur.

  4. Once again I feel that the lip-biting and cock sucking just points to mineral deficiencies. Ana is obviously craving something in her diet that sexy eggs and cheese just aren't going to fulfill. I take issue with the Baden Powell reference, I was once a Scout leader, oh hang issue.


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