50 Shades of Grey Soundtrack - The Review!!

'Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh no no'

Eugh...so here we are again.

Over the past few months, the 50 Shades movie has set the world alight. Given the amount of money that the film has taken, I never realised that there were so many desperate, easily pleased women in the world.

So far, I've only seen the trailer. From what I can work out, it's the same old nonsense, where a mousy woman makes poor life choices.

Unsurprisingly, the trailer leaves out the main thrust (oohh...cheeky) of the book, where 2 people sit around, negotiating a contract in tedious, NEVERENDING detail.

Unless you've been living somewhere incredibly privileged, where 50 Shades hasn't invaded your consciousness, here's a quick run down of the 2 main entities.

Jamie Dornan plays Christian Grey, with all of the charm of a Lego sex robot. Not only does he have Lego hair, but his acting range doesn't seem to extend past 'expressionless' or 'nonplussed.'

If anything, the little bit of Lego has more charisma, charm and sex appeal than Jamie Dornan.

Dakota Johnson plays Ana Steele, a woman with no obvious personality who stumbles between a series of suspicious men who just want to put their willies inside her.

Now that you know everything about the film, it's time to look at the soundtrack + try to figure out how the songs fit into the film. Strangely enough, there aren't any tracks called 'Putting Things Into a Ladies Bottom' or 'It's Fine to be a Stalker (if You're Rich)'

Somehow, the filmmakers have left out 'I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)' by Meatloaf. What a bunch of idiots. It is definitely a song about bumming...and perfect for 50 Shades. I only hope that I am consulted when they come to make the next 50 Shades film.

You might be asking why I'm reviewing the soundtrack? Basically, I refuse to pay £10 to watch 50 Shades in the cinema. Firstly, I don't want to spend 2 hours, surrounded by women fudding themselves + I also don't want the potential for globules of lady juice to end up in my popcorn.

I think that I will get around to reviewing 50 Shades when it comes out on DVD. I imagine that it will come out in the summer...but it will be adorning the bottom of bargain bins by the time Christmas rolls around. If all goes well, I'll pick up a tattered copy for about 10p. Even then, I feel like I will have wasted my money.

For now, here's a rundown of the 50 Shades Soundtrack. Just keep in mind that I haven't bought the soundtrack, or listened to any of the songs on it. This is basically going to be the least helpful review of all time. If you base your purchasing decision on this review, I honestly worry about you.

So...here we go...

1. I Put A Spell On You (Fifty Shades Of Grey) – Annie Lennox

I once met Annie Lennox. She seemed like a nice lady. Now that she's contributed to the 50 Shades soundtrack, I might have to reassess my entire life.

2. Undiscovered – Laura Welsh

There's not a lot of subtlety with these tracks. This one will be about Ana's sexuality which remained dormant for years, before being awoken by Christian Grey pumping 12 gallons of spunk up her.

3. Earned It (Fifty Shades Of Grey) – The Weeknd

I don't know who The Weeknd is...but he probably went to a shit school where spelling lessons were replaced with lessons about creating terrible songs with nonsensical titles. Do you know what you haven't earned Mr Weeknd? My respect.

4. Meet Me In The Middle – Jessie Ware

I'm probably wrong, but I life to think that this song title refers to a txt that both Christian and José send to Ana. The Middle is clearly the bar where José and then Christian get involved in some Willy Jousting to see who gets to ravage Ana, even though she doesn't ask for it.

5. Love Me Like You Do – Ellie Goulding

As we all know, Christian Grey does not love women in a normal way. His idea of romance is a bit of light stalking, before flailing around on top of his unlucky partner, like a dog trying to get out of a bath. I imagine that 'Love Me Like You Do,' tells the story of a woman who tries to appease her lover by being an absolute wrong 'un in the bedroom.

6. Haunted (Michael Diamond Remix) – Beyoncé

I can only imagine that this is about Ana's vagina. At the age of 21, it has seen absolutely no action. If you peered inside her labia, you'd probably find cobwebs and dust.

7. Salted Wound – Sia

This is a song all about the time Christian smashed Ana's bumhole with a whip, causing it to bleed. Rather than using antiseptic lotion and bandages to heal the wound, Christian simply jizzed all over her, then rubbed it in. An unorthodox healing method, and one which led to a nasty infection for Ana.

8. Beast Of Burden – The Rolling Stones

I really hope that this song isn't a sly dig at Taylor. As we all know, he is basically Christian's lapdog and probably hangs around Castle Greyskull with his trousers and pants around his ankles, watching his boss and Ana getting it on and generally creating an awkward atmosphere for the new lovers.

9. I’m On Fire – AWOLNATION

This song could mean one of two things. It could either refer to the feeling Ana gets after experiencing her first orgasm, or it could just relate to an especially risky sex game where Christian Grey literally sets Ana on fire. Because he can.

10. Crazy In Love (2014 Remix) – Beyoncé

This is the track which is used in the trailer, with Beyoncé whispering 'Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh no no.' This effectively sums up my feelings about the whole film. I've never seen it, and don't intend to. However, if I absolutely had to, I would spend the entire duration screaming 'UH OH' and 'OHNO!!!' at the screen.

11. Witchcraft – Frank Sinatra

Due to the overwhelming success of 50 Shades, it's fair to assume that E.L. James performed some sort of witchcraft on the entire world. How else would this pedestrian erotica become so popular? I was so unaroused that I had an inverse erection. My penis actually retracted inside of my body in protest at what I was reading.

12. One Last Night – Vaults

Despite Christian Grey being the absolute WORST of all the men, Ana keeps going back to him. We think she's finished with him, then goes back for one last night. He then aggressively forces himself on her. She goes back for one last night. He cuntpunches her. She goes back for one last night. He changed her Netflix password to 'Anaisastupidhead.' She goes back for one last night. He gets into her Facebook account and starts leaving Nickleback lyrics as comments on all her friends posts. She goes back for one last night. You get the idea...

13. Where You Belong – The Weeknd

This is one of Christian's favourite songs. He likes to sing 'Where you belong IS AT THE TIP OF MY BELLEND.' I have never listened to Where You Belong, but I imagine it's a song with a 1950's attitude to women, referencing the fact that they bloody love being in the kitchen. Men are such sexists.

14. I Know You – Skylar Grey

I don't know what this is about, and quite frankly, I don't care.

15. Ana And Christian – Danny Elfman

Never heard of these people. Who are they?

16. Did That Hurt? – Danny Elfman

YES!! YES IT DID FUCKING HURT!! YOU'VE JUST RAMMED SOMETHING UP MY BOTTOM!!!

Unless anything goes wrong with my life, this will be the final 50 Shades of Dave blog. Thanks for reading. Please now go and do something productive with your life. I can't promise that I'll be doing the same.