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50 Shades of Grey Chapter 25 - 50 Shades of Non-Plot

Chapter 25 in Brief

'The Situation' makes a cameo appearance.



Chapter 25 - My View

We've nearly made it. After this there is only 1 more chapter and we can all go back to our regular lives. You won't have to think about 50 Shades any more and neither will I. Do you have any idea how happy that makes me? I won't have to think of ways to describe 2 people who have nothing in common having monotonous sex. From now on, if I want to do that, I'll have to come round to your house and peer through the bedroom window.


The thing is...this twat of a book has managed to surreptitiously invade my life. I can't do anything or go anywhere without being reminded of 50 Shades. For example, I saw an advert for Asda on the telly the other day. Towards the end, is a woman sitting at the back of the room reading...50 Shades.


50 Shades: If you read it, you're definitely on Santa's naughty list.
My first thought was '...you're reading that...on Christmas Day...with your family all around you...and your hands aren't down the front of your blouse, working away like you're trying to put out a fire down there?'Aside from that, I can no longer buy Hendricks Gin because Christian drinks it and I can no longer go into a Mexican restaurant without throwing open the doors and shouting 'DIOS MIO MOTHERFUCKERS!' then proceeding to call everyone José. Life has become very limiting.

When I started this project, I was innocent and horribly naive, thinking that I'd read the book, write a few words about it...and then get on with life. 4 months later and I'm still writing about the fucking thing. For Christmas, all I want is memory loss so that I can forget all about this silly book.


In other news, I've been sent an awesome picture from Jessica F, which combines two of 2012's biggest news stories, 50 Shades and Hurricane Sandy. They've been combined into 1 glorious elevator/Ana's salivating vagina/hurricane devastation mashup!



Sometimes the best way of dealing with horrible situations is to laugh at them. If you can laugh at them whilst simultaneously making fun of 50 Shades, I'm all for it! The only problem is that as I've now become so slow at writing the chapter updates, this story will have undoubtedly blown over (YAY HURRICANE PUN!) by the time I post this blog entry, so sorry to Jessica for being so unproductive!

We rejoin the book to find Ana giving Carla a hug as she prepares to return to Seattle. The trip to Georgia was a total waste of everyone's time, including mine. There is just so much unnecessary filler in this book, it's almost embarrassing. 50 Shades is the literary version of Babestation. It's total bullshit, there are always better alternatives, nothing ever happens, but if you stick with it long enough, you might find something to wank to.


Rather than offering Ana some heartfelt advice and genuine motherly love, Carla stands around, her mouth flapping like a fairground fortune teller machine, dispensing generic relationship advice that she read in a self-help book from 1972. Along with telling Ana that she has 'to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince,' she also offers up the helpful 'Follow your heart...' Just remember, this advice is coming from a woman who has handled more cocks than an amorous poultry farmer.


Before leaving, Carla pulls off the most astonishing smile that I have ever heard about. She manages to complete an '...endearing-motherly-absolute-unconditional-love smile...' I had a go at doing an endearing-motherly-absolute-unconditional-love smile and this is what happened:


Advanced Smiling: Do NOT try this at home.

My mouth basically turned into an ugly vagina. Why not send me your own attempt at an endearing-motherly-absolute-unconditional-love smile? You can either send it to dvdjmskng@gmail.com or Tweet a pic to me - www.twitter.com/50ShadesDave. If anyone does attempt it, I will post all entries into the FINAL chapter. Just don't hurt yourself if you do attempt the smile. It's astoundingly tricky.

Getting onto the plane to return to Seattle, Ana bashes out a quick e-mail to Christian, thanking him for putting her up in 1st Class. He relies 1 nanosecond later, with a brief, businesslike statement, leaving Ana to wonder why he's not replied in his 'usual witty, pithy style.' Now...I've read this book and I was under the impression that Christian's usual style is impassive and condescending. It seems that Ana is just reading what she wants into the e-mails and is happy to stay with him, so long as he throws a compliment her way every now and again. Rather than trying to improve her self-esteem by using the compliment sandwich technique which he learnt on the first day of Business School, Christian instead uses opts for the criticism sandwich...something along the lines of YOU'REAMASSIVETWATyoulookpassabletonightYOUARESHITINBED. Somehow, this stream of mean thoughts, punctuated by the odd compliment helps to keep Ana compliant and ensures that she keeps going back to Christian.


Ana asks about the situation which Christian is currently sorting out. He cryptically replies, telling her that 'The Situation could be better.' Now, I know that this book has namechecked almost every major company in the world, but until this point, there have not been any meaningless cameo appearances from reality show cockholes. Based upon the amount of product placement, I am sure that EL James is happily BBMing the shit out of everyone on the free phone she got from Blackberry, driving around in a car which is half Audi/half Beetle and bathing in baths of Twinings tea, just like Cleopatra did with Asses milk. I can only assume that by including a mention of The Situation, EL James is hoping that he will knock on her door and touch her on the fanny.


Ana wonders what Christian's problem is. She deducts that he might have lost a few million...which is pocket change to a bajillionaire like Christian. More worryingly, she thinks that Taylor might have gone AWOL. She has nothing to base this on, but this makes me think that something might be seriously wrong with Taylor. It has been said that pets will sometimes run away to die. As Christian basically treats Taylor like a dog, he might have gone to find a bush to lie under before having a long long sleep.


Oh...just so you know, during their e-mail conversation, Ana uses the word 'vouchsafed.' A word that no-one has used for about 3000 years. A word so baffling that Google just shrugged when I tried to search for it.


Stowing her bags, Ana thinks about the 'silly, childish' gift that she's bought for Christian to thank him for the gliding trip. The fact that Ana has referred to it as silly and childish means that it's going to be completely embarrassing for everyone involved. I don't know what the gift is, and I already feel embarrassed for Ana. As Christian is her first boyfriend and she's WAY too into him, it's going to be something borderline psychotic. I've got my money on a diary which details every moment they've spent together. Either that, or she ripped out her hymen, dried it and has attached it to a necklace for Christian. Y'know, a nice, normal gift from a nice, normal girlfriend.


Back in Seattle, Ana gets off the plane and is relieved to see that Taylor is not dead under a bush, but he is acting like he's never met her, unnecessarily holding up a sign to greet her. I suppose that as he only knows a few commands and spends most of the day licking his own bollocks, it is important that he has the sign...just in case the information about Ana's face had been pushed out of his little brain to make way for remembering what his new squeaky toy looks like. Walking to the car, Ana remembers that Taylor has bought her underwear, admitting to herself that even Ray has not done that. Quite why her Stepdad should be buying her underwear is a mystery to me. There is nothing suspicious about a grown man buying a peephole bra and crotchless knickers for his adult stepdaughter.


Back at Castle Greyskull, Ana walks into the apartment to find Christian talking on his Blackberry. He's obviously in a bad mood and is talking about putting a trace on someone. Probably Ana. Although I don't quite understand why he'd fit a tracking device to Ana seeing as he's inside her for around 23 hours 59 minutes a day.

Leading her into the bathroom, he decides that he wants some sex. Immediately. As we all know, what Christian wants, Christian gets. Before getting balls deep into Ana, he asks 'Are you still bleeding?' It would be fair to assume that Ana is still bleeding, seeing as she's only been on her period for about 6 minutes. However, she answers 'No,' and is either lying to Christian or hoping that he's planning on using his penis as a makeshift tampon.


Christian decides to show much of a man he is, and asks Ana to wrap her legs around him, lifting her off the ground and jamming his cock into her vagina with all the force of someone getting angry whilst assembling flat pack furniture. With Ana in position, and not able to move, Christian then starts bouncing her up and down, like a baby in a papoose. If you're wondering what that looks like, it's something like this:


As Christian has now decided that condoms are bad and stop him from having the fun that he wants, he cums inside Ana with such force that a bit comes out of her nose. He's basically just using her as a receptacle for his cum. If she's not careful over the next few days, she'll ingest so much cum that she'll turn into a wobbly spunk balloon. Just in case you're wondering ladies...that is not a good look, even if it will provide you with around a million little Christian Greys.

After Christian has finished having arrogant sex with Ana, she tells him that she was hired by the publishing firm. Patronisingly, he tells her 'Clever girl.' Christian clearly thinks that it's very sweet that women should want to pursue careers. In his mind, women should just hang out all day, waiting for him to put his willy inside them. When he finds out that she'll be working for SIP, he patronises her further, saying 'Oh good, the small one.' As a man, I completely understand this point of view. I mean, honestly, what sort of large business would want to hire a woman?? I'm pretty sure it's a fact that women have tiny, dainty brains, are unable to think for themselves and cannot concentrate for more than 4 seconds without thinking about shoes. If any woman wants to argue against this point, I will find that absolutely adorable. Good for you, showing that you've got an opinion, even if no one will take any notice of it.


So yeah...do you STILL think Christian Grey is perfect?


Christian then removes the rest of Ana's clothes and starts to wash her. Rather than enjoying this moment in silence, Ana starts chatting about José. This is a dangerous game to play around Christian as Ana is FORBIDDEN to have any friends. Not even the cheeky little Mexican sex pest. Ana is lucky that Christian doesn't get mad as he would immediately grab a loofah and cram it into her minge, grazing her insides as he rams it up her. For some reason, Ana refers to José as 'my friend...' just in case Christian needed any clarification that Ana wasn't looking to make little brown babies. She asks if he'd like to accompany her to José's photography show and he agrees. I get the feeling that José's photography show is going to be terrifying. In my mind, he will greet everyone at the door by shouting


DIOS MIO MOTHERFUCKERS

The show will then consist of thousands of photos of Ana, all taken from a few miles away with a zoom lens. José is basically an obsessed teenage girl...with a Mexican moustache. His photography show will look something like this:

Inside the mind of a rapist...or a teenage girl. You decide which.
Later, they are sitting in the kitchen, Christian plying Ana with wine. She enquires about 'The Situation' which Christian admits is out of hand. Now, I've not seen an entire episode of Jersey Shore, but from what little I have seen, he's damn right that The Situation is out of hand. He fights. He drinks. He molests women. He doesn't seem to own any clothes that fit him. He can't hold down a steady job (unless being a total scrotum is a job.) He's named after a noun. I could go on... I get the feeling that Christian sees a lot of himself in The Situation, mainly the molesting part. Maybe Christian is trying to stage an intervention for The Situation, but he's finding it more of a challenge than he first expected.

The Situation: Abs like an egg-timer
While they're drinking some wine, Christian tells Ana that she is expected in the Playwomb in just 15 minutes and that her room is now full of clothes. Ana scurries off to get herself ready, not thinking to question whether she will actually need clothes in the Playwomb...or what she should do if all of the clothes are shit. Christian strikes me as the sort of person who would shop at All Saints, just adding to the increasing list of reasons of why he is a bit of a dick.

Speaking of dicks, that is exactly what Ana is going to receive in abundance, as she waits by the door of the Playwomb. While she's there, she wonders if all men are like him. Speaking on behalf of ALL men in the world, I can safely say that ALL men are not like Christian Grey. I don't even know why Ana thinks that. Let's take a minute to look at the men in the book so that I can prove to Ana that she's completely wrong about ALL men.


HYPOTHESIS

Men are nice.

RESEARCH

Paul - Works at Claytons. Described as a nice guy, but has a tendency to ask Ana out on a date in a menacing fashion. OK...so he's a little bit like Christian. Let's move on.


José - Our loveable little Mexican. He does have the propensity to rape and sexually assault. OK...so Christian does that as well. Bad example...who's next?


Taylor - Christian's loving companion, but he does have the potential to go fucking berserk at any moment. OK...so, he's not entirely perfect. 

Elliot - Brother of Christian. Able to seduce women by slapping his cock on them. OK, that's the sort of thing Christian would do, but how about...


Bob - Carla's husband. He did make Carla miss Ana's graduation because he had a poorly foot, so he does have the ability to control women. OK, so he's got a few things in common with Christian. Surely the next man isn't a total dick...


Carrick - Christian's adopted father. Probably taught Christian all he knows. OK, not the best male role model, but surely there's a decent man out there? (Look...I know that Mrs Robinson taught him about his current lifestyle, but it doesn't fit with the point that I'm trying to make, so shut up.)


Ray - Ana's stepfather and the sort of man who is happy for his 'daughter' to have a relationship with a suspicious zillionaire who follows her all over the place. BAD PARENTING SKILLS RAY.


RESULTS  

ALL MEN ARE LIKE CHRISTIAN.

Ana was right. Who would have thought it?

After what seems like hours of reading about Ana's boring thoughts and musings about men, Christian strolls in, wearing the pair of jeans he specifically reserves for sex. After pissing about for a bit, Christian remembers why he's in the room and wanders aimlessly over to Ana who is looking at the floor. Naturally, as she can now only see his feet, she falls in love with them because they're attached to Christian Grey, wanting to jam them into her vagina. She really is mental, men's feet are horrid, like Hobbit toes, all long, with sporadic hair and rough bits. If I had a vagina, I wouldn't let a man's foot anywhere near it.

Asking her to stand, Christian tests Ana to see if her little brain can remember the safewords he taught her a few chapters ago. The fact that the safewords are being brought up shows that Ana is going to get destroyed. Incredibly, she manages to recall them and receives a pat on the head from Christian before he immediately gets all angsty and tells Ana that he will fuck her mouth. 

Turning away from her, he starts fiddling with a CD player, telling Ana that she won't be able to see or hear him. Despite the fact that he had a CD player, he walks over to Ana with an iPod. I'm not entirely sure that Christian understands the concept of an iPod, otherwise why would he have a CD player in the room? Maybe the CD player is there is the iPod breaks. If the CD player breaks, he's got a record player stashed away somewhere and if that breaks, he'll have Kings of Leon chained up somewhere in the Playwomb, ready to play at a moments notice. That can be the only reason that we've not heard anything from them since everyone got utterly bored of 'Sex on Fire.'

While Christian is thinking of what sort of music goes with beating the shit out of a woman, Ana ponders what he's going to do, thinking 'I hope it's not rap.' I can only assume that I've found a slight error in my copy and that the letter 'e' was missed off the end of 'rap.' That would be more in line with what Christian has planned.

Ana is led over to a bed which sounds like it'd give you the most uncomfortable nights sleep ever. Not only is the mattress unforgivingly hard, but some bloody idiot has put leather shackles and metal chains at the top and bottom. It turns out that in BDSM relationships, there is nothing about having a nice nap in a comfy bed. The only purpose of a bed is to have intense power sex.

To get her ready, Christian puts some headphones on Ana as well as an eyemask. As she is a total dick, with a loose grasp of what is about to occur, she comments that it's '...similar to the once I used on my flight to Atlanta.' Although true, Ana doesn't seem to realise that seemingly innocent items can be used for more painful purposes. For example, there have been many times while I've been reading 50 Shades that I've headbutted the table with incredulity at what I've just read. The same innocent looking table where I eat my dinner has also given me some nasty head bruises that have been very difficult to explain.

Chaining Ana to the bed, Christian then puts on some Latin Hymns, leaving Ana without the senses of hearing or sight. This doesn't make too much difference to Ana as she only functions at a very low level in her daily life, so the changes aren't too drastic for her.


With Ana spread eagle on the bed, Christian makes the peculiar decision to pop on a hand puppet and proceeds to act out a short Punch and Judy Show, which turns out to be a Punch and More Punching Show. 

Punch and Judy - The acceptable faces of domestic abuse
After the sideshow attraction, Christian starts hitting Ana on the tits with a flogger. Despite her cries, he doesn't stop, deciding to turn his attentions to the rest of her body, slowly making her look as if she's been assaulted with a meat tenderiser. Once she's completely raw, he starts tonguing her for a minute or so before starting to drill his cock into her as if he's a particularly aggressive gold prospecter. As we've come to expect, they cum at the exact same time with Christian collapsing onto Ana. Even though he's been described as having the body of an Adonis is EVERY SINGLE FUCKING CHAPTER, he must have rubbish stamina if 10 seconds of mediocre sex is enough to make him collapse. It sounds like there could be a more serious underlying medical condition which Christian should get looked at pretty soon. 

During their post-coital chat, Christian tells her that the hymn he played for her was called 'Spem In Alium' I bet he only chose that because 'Spem' sounds a bit like 'Sperm.' 

Ana also manages to get Christian to reveal what she was saying in her sleep. Rather than a shocking revelation, it turns out that she was prattling on about strawberries and cages during her boring dream. The truth to that little mystery wasn't really worth waiting for was it?

Despite knowing what Ana was chatting about in her sleep, Christian still thinks she's hiding something. I don't quite know why, but just like many things in this book, there is literally no reason for it happening. In order to find out what Ana is hiding, he decides that the best method is '...to torture it out of you.' Why have a conversation to the person you care about when you can subject them to all manner of horrible punishment? Unless I'm being a bit thick, this whole situation came about because of a dream. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON??

So, as we leave Chapter 25, Christian has once again proved that he is the worst person in the world. Thank fuck there's only 1 chapter to go. If we're lucky, it'll just consist of Ana being tied to a chair while Christian angrily shouts in her face.

See you soon for the FINAL CHAPTER!! If you've ever thought about sending a picture, making a comment or sending a picture of your mouth looking like a vagina, now is the time to do it! Let's go out in style!

If you've enjoyed the blog, here's how you can get in touch:

Twitter: @50ShadesDave 
Facebook: www.facebook.com/amanreads50shades 
E-mail: dvdjmskng@gmail.com 
Or leave a comment below!

Comments

  1. Hilarious as usual! It's a while since I read the book so your blogs do bring back the nonsense of it all! 1) am stick to death of all the blatant blagging of stuff by ELJames - Audi, BB (since binned, she now has an iphone), champagne, Saab, some bloody store in Seattle - boring, boring, boring! 2) what's the obsession with Christian's feet - FFS, again - boring! 3) the ripped jeans, again - boring! 4) the film will be shite too - a bunch of Hollywood grabbers driving round in freebie Audi R8s & posting pics on Twitter - just FUCK OFF! After the initial titillation & turnon of the book you realise it's shite & Dave's blog far far better. The author was lucky to get her fantasy printed - I hope Dave is lucky too and a publisher picks this up!!

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  2. Love it Dave..Nearly finished now :) you'll be able to erase the book from your memory in time to have a lovely Christmas :) Are you going to read the other 2 books ? I did and I can tell you now DON'T DO IT !! They are even more painful than the 1st one :( No need for you to suffer anymore !! lol
    Has your wife read the books ?

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  3. Have you used the word "muffpunch" anywhere in the blog? If not, I implore you to use it in the last chapter review. Somehow. No reason why, I just like it.

    Great stuff, as always!

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  4. As funny as ever, even with my tiny girlie brain I can understand what a pile of tripe you are having to wade through to entertain us! I hope in one of the sequels Christian does get his underlying medical problem seen to, the 10 seconds to ejaculation and exhaustion would be a cause for concern to Ana if she'd had a real man to compare him to! Will be sorry you have finished the awful book as I will have to find other means of entertainment, but happy for you that you can wash your mouth and your brain out and move on to something more fulfilling...the phone book is probably more interesting :)

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  5. Glad to have the elevator picture up!

    Here is an idea for Carla's smile...thanks to Sarah Silverman and Conan O'Brian's iphone...

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Gfg4OMrqCU

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  6. One fact is very clear about this book: It is a great marketing strategy worldwide. What is the reason?. Manipulate women. After decades of women's liberation, many women are unable to meet the expectations that society demanded them. On the other hand, men have been mired in confusion, and that men should act in accordance with equality. What do you get with a book like this?. The aim is for women to return to a traditional role of submission, and that men may use violence in their rooms spoiled with their partners. In this way women feel "complete", and men are not violent in the street, and perform better at work. It's all a mental trap, large-scale manipulation. Also, if there are many women who can not fulfill the role of "submissive", pharmaceutical companies may offer new anti-depressants. It's all planned to manipulate human freedom. (Check "Tavistock Institute" and MK-Ultra)

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  7. I've read a tumblr where The Situation and Christian Grey are actually in a relationship, but unfortunately I can't remember the URL and google is failing me.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Did you know that you can shorten your long links with AdFly and get money from every click on your shortened urls.

    ReplyDelete

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