50 Shades of Grey Chapter 23 - 50 Shades of OHMYGODMAKEITSTOP

Chapter 23 in Brief

Woman periods EVERYFUCKINGWHERE.


Chapter 23 - My View

You've probably noticed that I've been putting off writing about Chapter 23. Before I started the blog, I knew that there was one chapter in particular that all women know about, but no one is prepared to talk about. It is possible for women to communicate about the chapter, but only through a mixture of obtuse mime, raised eyebrows and gasps.

If you're reading this, chances are you've read 50 Shades so you'll know exactly what happens in Chapter 23. For those of you who haven't read 50 Shades, shame on you. Basically, Christian fucks Ana while she's on her period. 

Ummmm....I guess it's too late, but SPOILER ALERT!!

So yeah, Christian fucks Ana, leaving his cock looking like a London Bus, but it's quite funny how few women actually want to talk about the chapter. I'm not a doctor, but I believe that all of you women have perioded yourself at some point in your life. Not talking about it is like us men trying to deny the existence of our willies. So come on...share your thoughts about the chapter...and please refrain from using the term 'lady time.'

From Chapter 22, we know that Christian has turned up uninvited, but how do we get from there to him decorating a room with period blood? Let's find out!

During Ana's conversations with Carla (her Mum,) she has neglected to mention the fact that Christian is a Gentleman Rapist and will quite often pop up for some surprise sex. It seems that Ana has quite a strict filter when it comes to talking about Christian. She's more than happy to drop in references about his money and how mysterious he is....but conveniently 'forgets' about that time he kidnapped her, definitely didn't have sex with her unconscious body or the time where he just invited himself into her room.

As Christian walks towards the women, he already looks angry so Ana braces herself, assuming that Christian is going to pick up her Cosmo glass and grind it into her face. However, as Carla is there, he remembers his manners, referring to her as Mrs Adams. Judging from Ana's reaction, she had no idea that her Mum's surname was 'Adams' or that Christian knows things about her family. You would have thought that after discovering Google, Ana would realise that you can find out almost anything about anyone but it seems that as she's only Googled 'Christian Grey,' she's under the impression that the website has been created for the sole purpose of storing pictures of Christian. Idiot.

Christian then orders himself a Hendricks and tonic, with a bit of cucumber. What an absolute bastard.  My favourite drink just happens to be Hendricks and tonic, with a bit of cucumber. Slowly, and unwillingly, I am turning into Christian Grey. Here is the bottle of Hendricks which is helping me to get through the book.

Gin: My expensive saviour.

For every chapter I write, I will probably drink about 13 bottles of Gin. It's the only way I can get through. By the time I finish the book, I will be a poor alcoholic. I will essentially be a tramp...but with impeccable taste in Gin. 

When questioned about his reasons for being there, Christian shrugs it all off, accusing Ana of drinking in the bar of the hotel he's staying in. Somehow he manages to rationalise this in his head, telling Ana that she asked him to be there. Christian really shouldn't take everything so literally...unless he's got Aspergers in which case, we can probably let him off. I just hope that Ana never says 'Fuck it' instead of 'Don't worry about it.' That could cause some potentially awkward moments.

While all of this is going on, Carla is sitting there perfectly still as if Christian has Medusa-like properties. It's clear that she wants to add him to her ever-growing list of conquests, but with Ana sitting right beside her, it's not the time or place for her to make a move. Instead, she studies Christian intently before excusing herself. She heads off to the toilet where she gets herself back into a wank-trance, lifts up her petticoat and fingers herself silly.

With Carla fingerblasting herself, dreaming of her next conquest, Christian and Ana are given time to chat. Ana uses this time to try to score points against Christian, calling Mrs Robinson a child molester. I think the term 'child molester' is used quite lightly. Introducing a child to a BDSM relationship is slightly worse than a bit of light-hearted molestation. Even Jimmy Savile and Jeremy Forrest would think twice about that. If you are reading this after October 2012, that no doubt seem like a horrendously outdated reference.

Ana reiterates her anger towards Christian for staying in touch with Mrs Robinson, accusing him of double standards as he gets the hump if Ana does so much as mention José's name. Ana confirms that she would never have a sexual relationship with José. Part of me dies inside. It seems that I won't be getting my wish of seeing Ana and José hooking up and hearing about Ana's reaction to José's little moustache tickling her as he goes down on her. 

Christian explains that Mrs Robinson is more than an ex-lover, she's also a business partner. From what we know, Mrs Robinson is interested in nothing more than sex with minors, so it's fair to assume that she's been the catalyst in Christian's sex trafficking business. I see her role as the person who discovers the young talent and then passes them on to Christian to seduce. Wouldn't it be great if later on we found out that Ana had actually met Mrs Robinson when she was younger, infiltrating her life like Jacob from Lost? That's probably too much to wish for...

Partway through their argument, Carla returns with her hands dripping wet. She tells them that she's just washed her hands with fish scented soap. Backing away from Carla's stinky fingers, Christian decides to leave the ladies alone so that he can thrown up in the corner of the room. 

With the women alone again, Carla turns into the Sex Police, showing incredible intuition about Ana and Christian's relationship. She brilliantly deducts that they are crazy about each other at which point all Ana can do is raise her hands and say 'guilty.' Getting a bit too confident, Sex Detective Carla then assumes that Christian wouldn't fly 3000 miles unless he was completely devoted to her. Despite a solid start, she clearly knows nothing about Christian. This is the same man who told Ana that he'd hunt her down in Alaska. There would be nowhere for her to hide. He WOULD track her down. If Ana were to start a diary when hiding out, it would be much shorter than Anne Frank's. I imagine that it would be something along the lines of:

'I've finally found somewhere to hide. I'm completely off the grid. Even I don't know where I am. There is no way that Christi....OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE...HE'S HERE.'

While they're chatting, Carla says 'Phew - the UST in here...' I had no idea what that meant, so I Googled it. See Ana, Google is for more than looking at pictures of Christian Grey. According to the search results, she's referring to the University of Santo Tomas, one of the oldest Universities in the Philippines. I don't know why she brought it up, but maybe all of the women from the University of Santo Tomas are oppressed by rich men or fucked while they're on their periods. Carla tells Ana that she needs to communicate with Christian so she downs the rest of her drink and heads up to his room, slightly pissed. As she's slightly worse for wear, she will definitely make good decisions. Last time Ana was a bit drunk she was nearly raped, was sick on a bush and was then kidnapped. This time, we all know what's in store for her. There's probably a moral about drinking there somewhere.I think it's something along the lines of 'if you're a woman, don't drink' but I could be wrong.

When Ana gets up to Christian's room, he's on the phone doing some business. I've worked out that in order to look like he's working, Christian just says some names in rapid succession. This time, he says 'LUCASANDREABARNEYBILLGEORGIA.' As Ana is thick, she recognises this list of names as the fact that a man is hard at work. Due to the fact that she's just a simple woman with limited brain function, she leaves him to it. I'm looking forward to the moment that Ana gets her inevitable publishing job and to look knowledgable on her first day, she'll walk in and say 'SCOTTDIANAFRANKMATTSARAHPETEREMILY.' Shortly after that, she will be asked to leave her publishing job.

When Christian can't think of any more names to say, he puts the phone down and gives Ana his full attention. With a bit of Dutch courage inside her, she asks if Christian ever loved Mrs Robinson. Telling her what she wants to hear, he tells Ana 'No. I didn't love her.' I'm sure that at this point, everyone who has read the book called out 'BULLSHIT!' If you didn't, you've just discovered why your relationships fail.

In a moment of unexpected spontaneity, Christian switches off his Blackberry even though it's ringing. If Ana were to do that, she'd receive a black eye. He gives her a bit of a kiss, then asks her a question which is almost Shakespearean in it's beauty and tenderness. Leaning in close, Christian whispers 'Are you bleeding?' He really does have a way with words that is really quite poetic. In asking 'Are you bleeding?' he stops just short of saying 'Are you on the blob cos if you are I'll fuck you in the shitter.' Christian then follows up this question with the equally romantic 'Do you have cramps?' Remember ladies, this is the man you love. He's just so charming and romantic, and just about manages to contain himself from asking about the viscosity of Ana's period blood. In response to his first question, Ana lets him know that it's practically gushing out of her, so she's led to the bathroom so they can at least contain the mess and prevent the bedroom from looking like a crime scene.

Christian has at least made an effort in the bathroom, putting up loads of candles and running a hot bubble bath to give the room a slightly erotic ambience. He manoeuvres Ana like she's a mannequin so that she's facing the mirror. He takes her clothes off and rushes through a bit of foreplay, spending a minute kissing, a minute on each tit then asks Ana to masturbate for him. As she's never done it without him, she is all lost and doesn't know what to do, so stands there looking a bit gormless, slapping her own vagina with an open palm. Sensing that she's completely clueless, Christian decides to take charge, and does it for her. Once again, he gets bored after about a minute and spins Ana around so that she's facing the sink. 

Then it happens. He pulls out her tampon and throws it across the room as if it's a stick of dynamite. The tampon slaps into the bin and Christian hi-fives himself. Ana has now been uncorked and is gushing like a fire hydrant. Very soon, the bathroom floor is covered in a crimson tide and Denzel Washington somehow pilots a submarine into the room.

Periods: intense

This horrific scene does not stop Christian and he plunges his erection right into Ana's vagina, which is now resembling the Eye of Sauron. He smashes back and forth into her, trying to pleasure himself whilst keeping an eye on the rapidly rising tide of blood which is now lapping around his ankles. Luckily for us all, Christian keeps up his unenviable record of premature ejaculation and comes pretty quickly. Despite the fact that the sex did not last long, both Ana and Christian are covered in blood from head to toe, leaving them looking like Terry Butcher.
 

Terry Butcher: probably on his period.

They both sink to the floor at which point Ana remembers that she's sill gushing away but doesn't think to stuff anything inside her. Instead, she becomes transfixed with some small scars on Christian's chest which look remarkably like cigarette burns. Standing there with a bloody semi-on, Christian denies that the marks have anything to do with Mrs Robinson. As the conversation is getting a little heated, Ana decides that she needs to clean up so she gets into the huge bath. As she glides to one end of the bath, she leaves a trail of blood as if the Red Arrows have recently conducted a fly-past.

Red Arrows: euphemism for a tampon

In the bath, Christian and Ana continue their conversation about Mrs Robinson. Christian tells Ana that he would probably have become a drug addict or a whore if he hadn't have met her. I can't help thinking that would have been a better book, with Ana meeting a penniless, street-walking, heroin-riddled male prostitute with a face like a shipwreck. Instead, she's with the most beautiful, rich man to have ever existed...and he's a little bit dull. At least hobo-Christian would have injected some excitement into her life as they rifled through bins, trying to avoid used needles. 

Christian admits that no one has ever challenged him about his lifestyle before and that he only chats to Mrs Robinson and Dr Flynn, his therapist about what is going on in his head. He also admits that he chats to Mrs Robinson about his relationship with Ana which prompts her to ask '...you take advice from Mrs Pedo?' Ana missed the chance for a bit of wordplay here. Surely Mrs RobbingSon is a better name for her seeing as she stole little Christian's childhood and innocence. As I don't have the power to rewrite the book, we'll have to stick with 'Mrs Pedo.'

Christian refuses to answer Ana's questions about Mrs RobbingSon and attempts to turn the tables, asking Ana about a MUCH more important issue, namely why she did not respond to one of his e-mails. Considering the fact that they were just talking about Christian talking to an ex about his relationship with Ana, I don't think that an e-mail is that big of a deal. Christian must have something to hide. Switching topics again, Christian then asks Ana about their 'would-be' arrangement. I've pretty much lost track of their intolerably boring arrangement. I'm pretty sure that despite making me read the entire contract, I'm pretty sure that Ana still hasn't signed the fucking thing. This means that when she eventually does get around to it, there will be another chapter-long recap of the contract, the clauses, sub-clauses and the many MANY addendums. If this does happen, I can assure you that I have no desire to write about it.

As they are both in the bath, some splashing-based hijinks occur. Christian does not take kindly to being splashed so he does the only thing that makes sense to him. He fucks Ana again. The bath quickly starts to resemble the River Nile after God got all pissed off and ordered a bunch of plagues against Egypt. I'm not too familiar with the story of Moses, but I don't think that the Nile turned red as a result of God fucking Moses REALLY hard in the ass. If I am wrong, please feel free to correct me.

With the sex over (quickly,) Christian and Ana retire to the bedroom and go back to talking about his past. It is never mentioned, but I assume that Ana has found something to use a tampon. Maybe one of Christian's monogrammed handkerchiefs or a sock. Christian admits that he's had sex with 'tens' of women and that there are training centres that you can go in order to learn how to be a Sub. Kind of like a Finishing School for sexual deviants. He has also paid for sex at one of these centres. He's so rich that he manages to find ways of spending money on things that are free for most people.

Getting sleepy, Ana wants Christian to stop talking, so agrees to his every request. His main request is that she returns to the PlayWomb with him. We can all look forward to Ana being humiliated further in an upcoming chapter. Hooray! As she drifts off, Christian tells her that he's got a surprise for her tomorrow. I can only assume that 'surprise,' is a euphemism for 'aggressive sex' and that he's going to spring out of a cupboard/drawer and force himself onto Ana. 

The last thing that goes through Ana's empty mind is the thought that she's never been happier. She'll change her mind when she goes for a poo during the night and sees that the bathroom resembles the Tomatina Festival in Spain. 

Tomatoes or a MASSIVE period?

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