50 Shades of Grey Chapter 22 - 50 Shades of Motherly Advice

Chapter 22 In Brief

Woman visits her Mum. 


Chapter 22 - My View

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Like Nas on the track 'Rewind,' we're going to start this review at the end and then work our way through until we find out the reasons for what has happened. Chapter 22 ends with Ana saying 'Holy fuck...' and me once again saying 'OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE.' What has made us say these things? This is where the Nas comparison ends as I will not be writing this chapter using rhyming couplets or referring to anyone as a 'ho.' Having said that, I might use the word 'slag' once or twice.

When we last left Ana, she was once again on the receiving end of something from Christian. For a change, she's not received a fist to the fanny, but an upgrade to first class. Christian really does like to keep Ana on her toes, going from being all mad and angry to lavishing her with gifts over a very short amount of time. I can only imagine that Christian carries a daisy with him wherever he goes, plucking off petals at will. 

'I love her....so I'll buy her an unnecessarily expensive present.'

'I love her not...MOTHERFUCKINGBODYSLAM!!'

At the start of Chapter 22, Ana is in the First Class Lounge where she's had a manicure and a massage. For the first time in her life she's willfully participated in a feminine activity. Before meeting Christan she would have spent the time at the airport reading ALL of the magazines in WH Smiths, buying massive Toblerones and trying on lots of different fragrances so that she ends up smelling like a hooker's handbag. Meeting Christian has clearly had a positive impact on her life. Having said that, I've never seen a manicurist or a masseuse at an airport, so as she's a bit dense, she might have gotten all confused and wandered into American Nails on Luton High Street by mistake.

Attempting to fit in to the First Class Lounge alongside the generic businessmen, she whips out her MacBook, in an attempt to 'test the theory that it works anywhere on the planet.' She tells this to a nearby businessman who laughs at her and calls her a tosspot. Ana is amazed to discover that the MacBook works in the First Class Lounge of a major international airport and starts typing out an e-mail to Christian. She tells him that for her next experiment, she's going to take the MacBook to someone else's house to see if it will work there. I've never heard MacBooks being promoted as something that works anywhere on the planet. A quick Google search shows that this phrase is only used in 50 Shades and by some Apple fanboys. Basically, cunts people like this:

Apple Employees: I don't care if you work on the 'Genius Bar.' You're not a genius. You work in a shop.

So yeah, Ana now thinks of herself as the Head of Marketing + Promotion for Apple. In her e-mail to Christian, she tells him that MacBooks can cure AIDS and will allow you to complete the Internet. I get the feeling that Ana won't be in the job for long.

After a few e-mails, Ana tells Christian that she was given a massage by a man called Jean-Paul. Given Christian's history of jealousy, that probably wasn't Ana's wisest move. Jean-Paul's life is now in serious danger. Christian will undoubtedly turn up at his house with an uzi and be all like 'MASSAGE THIS...FOOL.' One of these days, Ana will learn that when dealing with Christian, her actions have consequences. She doesn't get a reply as she's told to put her laptop away before the flight departs.

One of the cabin crew announces '...doors to automatic and cross check.' Ana responds by shitting her pants, and confessing that she has no idea what that means. As they've not even taken off yet, she correctly guesses that they're not about to crash. However, this does suggest that we can now add flying to the ever-growing list of new experiences that Ana has had over the course of the book. It can now take it's place alongside getting drunk, being kidnapped, seeing a willy, eating a full meal, shaving her vagina and wearing feminine clothes. In the next chapter, we might experience another first with Ana as she opens a Facebook account. Her life is AWESOME and INTERESTING!!

Showing that she can't last 5 minutes without thinking about, or interacting with Christian, she covertly checks her Blackberry. This makes Ana the WORST PERSON EVER. Basically, Ana is that person on the plane who thinks that the safety regulations do not apply to them. That person is ALWAYS somewhere on the plane, thinking that their life is way more important than yours and that they HAVE to send a quick e-mail or text after being told to turn their phone off. If only this book was a really long piece of public information, drawing us in to a love story, before one of them got killed in a horrible plane crash because she was acting like a total dick. Sadly for us all, Ana is not killed and the story continues.

Landing into Atlanta, Ana is woken by a member of the cabin crew who hands her a glass of orange juice. Confirming her position as the worst person in the world, Ana checks her Blackberry as soon as they land, clearly neglecting to either turn her phone off or put it on flight mode. If an Air Marshall was on board the flight, he really should have taken action against Ana, by getting the Cabin Crew to serve her a Halal meal or giving her a REALLY hot towel after her meal.

In Atlanta, Ana heads straight for the First Class Lounge where she types out a long (1 1/2 page) e-mail to Christian, telling him about her feelings. As you'd imagine, it's basically 1 1/2 pages of whining and general misery, punctuated by some childish homophobia directed at poor Jean Paul. Apart from give her a lovely massage, I don't quite know what Jean Paul has done to incur the wrath of Ana. Just in case you were wondering how to spot a gay man, Ana tells us. According to her, gay men are ALL nice with blonde hair and a tan. If that describes you...umm...I don't quite know how to tell you this but...YOU LOVE THE COCK LOL!! If you have brown, red or black hair, you can not be gay. In fact, I'm certain that Ana is correct. The remainder of the e-mail is all 'blahblahblahfeelingsblahblahblah.'

For her second flight, Ana is once again in First Class. The experience is completely wasted on her. Apart from sticking her middle finger in the face of everyone in Economy as they shuffle past her on the way to their seats, she doesn't take advantage of any First Class perks. She spends all of her time sleeping and drinking orange juice (although knowing Ana's recent habits, they're probably Mimosas.)

Finally arriving into Savannah International Airport, she greets her Mum and Bob, her 135th husband. She immediately cries at her Mum and awkwardly hugs Bob in a way that makes me believe that he's probably tried it on with her at some point. We then find out that *gasp* Ana lived in Vegas until the age of 17. This fact makes her lack of life experiences even more difficult to comprehend. She must have been booted out of Vegas for being such a square and ruining the mood.

In the parking lot, Ana gets her Blackberry out again and texts Christian, Ray and Kate. Here's the text:

'Arrived safely in Savannah. A :)*'

Would anyone care to guess what ':)*' means? I did ask my Twitter followers and the lack of responses showed that either no one knew, or that no one likes me enough to reply. I'm guessing that it's the latter. I did have a few responses. There was a suggestion that it could mean 'Bob Monkhouse' although why Ana would be texting about a dead comedian is a mystery to me...but a funny thought nonetheless. My favourite suggestion was that it could mean 'rimming' with the * representing a bumhole. As the text was sent to both Christian and Kate, it's very likely that this is what Ana wants them to do to her. Having said that, Ana would be more likely to text a scissoring smiley to Kate. I don't know what that would look like, so if you have a suggestion, please get in touch! It may well be that the smiley doesn't mean anything and that Ana's clumsy hands have not got used to the Blackberry's tiny keyboard yet, so she just mashed the buttons and hoped for the best.

Later that afternoon Ana is sunbathing wearing a Tankini. As I can't be bothered to do a Google Image Search, I'm just going to imagine that a Tankini is like a Mankini but with a bit more material around the tit. Ana and her Mum (who I think is still nameless) sit around, talking about Christian. As Ana has signed the NDA, she has to speak about their relationship in code, resorting to semaphore to tell her Mum about how things are going. After telling her Mum how complicated and mercurial he is, her Mum responds with 'Men...are very simple.' If we're so simple, why has Ana's Mum already been through more husbands than Liz Taylor and Liza Minelli combined? Ana's Mum clearly doesn't know the first thing about men, assuming we're only here for her to marry. I get the feeling that I'm one of only a few men on the planet to have not been married to Ana's Mum. The slag.

Following lunch, Ana checks her e-mails again. There is one from Christian. It goes on for 3 fucking pages. As I love you, I read it all...but please understand that at no point did I enjoy it. Christian starts off by telling Ana that he could purchase her heart's desire if he so wished. He clearly doesn't understand that her heart desires a normal boyfriend...but he could probably buy her one of those if he wanted. I'm sure that José would only cost a few quid. He then goes on to tell Ana that she has self-esteem problems. Immediately after, he mentions that he wants to make a doctor's appointment for her to deal with this issue. Again, he completely fails to realise that he is the reason for the problem. Basically, Christian is to blame for all problems that have ever existed. You know that time you hit 'Ctrl + V' instead of 'Ctrl + C?' Christian's fault. Unable to find a good angle to watch a movie on your laptop? Christian's fault. Along with Ana, he is also the WORST PERSON EVER. 

Throughout the rest of the e-mail, there are a LOT of words...but then something happens. Something I never thought I'd say. Christian seems almost reasonable. He tells Ana that he's sorry for frightening her, that he understands her trepidation, he's willing to make the 'relationship' as long as she wants and that in the relationship, she has all the power, being able to say 'no' whenever she wants. This might be a completely different side of Christian that we're going to start seeing. A new and caring side to him. Or...he might just be saying these things so that Ana will let him put his hand up her bottom so that he can turn her into a human puppet.

After reading and re-reading the e-mail, Ana realises that she loves Christian. WOOOOOO!!! Ana and Christian sitting in a tree F-I-S-T-I-N-G.

Falling asleep onto her laptop, Ana is woken by her mother, telling her that they'll be going to dinner in 30 minutes. Noticing the laptop, Ana's Mum questions why she has it. Any regular person would reply 'Because it's not 1983' but Ana bumbles and stumbles through a thoroughly unconvincing answer, stating that she uses it for e-mails and Internet access, managing to make herself sound like a sign that you might see in a library.

As Ana has no clothes of her own apart from the dungarees she wore at Clayton's she once again puts on something from Kate's wardrobe. As selfish and rude as Kate is, she does put up with a lot of shit from Ana who is constantly borrowing her clothes. With all the money that Ana is saving on her phone bill, she can surely get herself down to Primark to get a few outfits. 

While she's getting ready to go out, she finds time to compose a series of fairly lengthy e-mails to Christian, indulging in a bit of light flirting. It's probably like sort of thing you would have done at school, but instead of ending the conversation with 'TXT ME A PIC OF UR TITS,' Christian says 'Wish I was there' to which Ana responds 'SO DO I.'  We all know what's coming now don't we...?

After dinner, Ana forgets to say 'thank you' to her Mum and Bob for the meal and sprints upstairs to see if she's got any e-mails. Surprisingly, there is one from Christian. Within a few seconds, Ana has replied and they once again engage in some harmless flirting before Christian signs off, saying 'I am having dinner with an old friend...'  As Ana only knows one old friend of Christian's, her brain immediately assumes that he's seeing Mrs Robinson, the old woman who seduced him at a young age. Showing her insecurities and bewildering lack of intelligence, Ana wonders if she's had Christian's children, despite him never mentioning this at any point.

To find out the answer to the question no one asked, Ana once again turns to her laptop, 'waiting for the blue screen.' NO ANA...DON'T WAIT FOR THE BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH...YOU'RE DOING IT ALL WRONG!!' In waiting for the blue screen of death, Ana has managed to turn her Mac into a PC. Luckily, Tim Cook is lurking outside her room (on Christian's orders) so he comes in, slaps her and then fixes the laptop. With the computer working again, Ana does a Google Image Search for Christian. Unsurprisingly, there are about a billion pictures of Christian, so Ana spends a few hours flicking herself off until her clit is swollen and red, like a clown's nose. This is basically what happens to YOU when you are faced with pictures of Ian Somerhalder, Matt Bomer or Henry Cavill and what I do when I look at pictures of Tom Hardy.

Slowly making her way through the images of Christan Grey, Ana stumbles across an image of herself and Christian at her graduation. Showing her Internet ignorance, she exclaims 'Holy cow! I'm on Google!' If we're going to be pedantic, she is technically correct...but she's clearly under the impression that Google is the only website on the Internet. With Ana's shock at seeing the photo, she behaves like a Native American, believing that by having her picture taken, her soul has been stolen.

Having looked through all 1 billion pictures of Christian, Ana sends him ANOTHER e-mail, asking if he's at dinner with Mrs Robinson. Then her fucking period starts. I feel that I will need to put plastic sheets around me when I read the next chapter. I get the feeling that there will be a lot of projectile vomiting from my mouth.

Later that evening, Ana and her Mum head out for drinks at an exclusive hotel. As Ana has forgotten to pop in a tampon, she ends up looking like Carrie within a matter of minutes.

Ana: 'I knew I forgot something...'

Soon after arriving, Ana's Mum is on her 3rd Cosmo, at which point she decides to impart some more wisdom about men. I see nothing wrong with a bitter, half-pissed, twice divorced woman telling her daughter about men. Her years of experience will undoubtedly come in handy...only they don't.

Ana's Mum starts having a rant about men, telling her that men believe women create problems when talking. I think I now see why Ana has not wanted to touch a man before. Her Mum is fairly psychotic and would have definitely put Ana off with her anti-men rhetoric. She suggests that Ana have a think about dating José. My heart skipped a beat at this point. Maybe I've got Ana's Mum all wrong. Imagine how much better this book would be if Ana dated José and spent the majority of the book living a banal existence, cleaning tables in his family's restaurant while José persistently tried to force himself onto Ana, not understanding the dynamics of a relationship.

Ana's Mum pops off to curl one off, so Ana takes the opportunity to check her Blackberry. Christian has not called, text or e-mailed ALL DAY. Where could he be? I think we all know. While she's there, she gets an e-mail from him. Interestingly, the time on the e-mail shows that Christian is in the Eastern time zone...THE SAME TIME ZONE THAT ANA IS IN!! She doesn't pick up on this, and instead gets cross about the contents of the e-mail where he admits that he went for dinner with Mrs Robinson as well as a couple of 8yr olds that she has recently seduced.

Ana decides that the best response is to get completely obliterated on booze, signalling for more Cosmos. 

Another e-mail comes through from Christian:

'How many Cosmopolitans are you going to drink.'

'Holy fuck!' exclaims Ana.
'OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE' Dave shouts at his Kindle. This book has made me write in the third person. For that, I hate it.

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