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50 Shades of Grey Chapter 21 - 50 Shades of Blondes

Chapter 21 In Brief

Woman gets jealous.



Chapter 21 - My View

Before I start whinging, HELLO to all you new readers. Hopefully you like swearing and poorly written descriptions of sex because that pretty much sums up this blog. If you do, you'll shit yourself at all of the pumping and thrusting that I get to write about. 

As I've done something for you by writing this blog, can you do something for me? Give me a quick follow/RT on Twitter to help spread the word about the blog. www.twitter.com/50ShadesDave If you follow me and help get this blog seen by more people, I will  love you like Christian loves Ana (minus the threat of fisting.)

On with the mean-spirited writing...

WHY DOES 50 FUCKING SHADES HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING LONG??

It really doesn't need to be 514 pages long. Nothing needs to be 514 pages long.  The worst part is that the pages are smaller on my Kindle so I have to click forwards twice for the page number to advance by 1. That means I am actually reading 1028 pages of this shit. If you've got the paperback version of 50 Shades, I have read TWICE as much 50 Shades as you. That makes me TWICE as good as you (using some flawed logic.)

The entire story so far can be summarised as 'bland woman falls in love with rich bellend.' In chapter 1, the bland woman (Ana, for those of you who aren't paying attention) fell in love with the rich bellend (Christian. Obviously.) We are now on chapter 21 and the bland woman is STILL falling in love with the rich bellend. In the meantime, there has been some admin, a few house visits, some meals (not all of which have been eaten) and a Mexican who says 'DIOS MIO' a lot. After 20 chapters, I would have thought that the reasons for the books popularity would have become clear. Somewhere, I thought I would have had an epiphany and exclaimed 'THAT'S IT!!' realising why 6 billion people have read this book. That hasn't happened just yet and with only 5 chapters to go, I don't think it's going to happen. 

As much as I have no desire to write about the second book, I did check out how long it is. Turns out, 50 Shades Darker is somehow longer than 50 Shades of Grey.

Fuck. That.

If you'd like to start your own blog, telling me what happens, please feel free to do so. I feel like I've suffered enough.

You'll remember that at the end of the last chapter, Christian told Ana a lovely bedtime story about a crackwhore mother. More of a grim tale than a Grimm tale. Taking the news extremely well, and not thinking to ask any follow up questions, the story sends Ana into a deep, peaceful sleep. When she wakes up, she finds that Christian has vanished. Last time she stayed over, she found him hammering away at a piano, rudely waking her up. This time there is nothing but silence. He's not initiated a rave in the bathroom or decided to ride a horse through the house. Everything is perfectly still as if it's the night before Christmas.

As she's finally got a moment to herself, without Christian there to fuck her or ask her where she's going, Ana has a think about the situation she's in, referring to Christian as her 'boyfriend.' I can't help thinking that Christian wouldn't refer to Ana has his girlfriend. She's more of an acquisition. Think of Ana as a Tickle-Me-Elmo, something to be played with for a bit before being discarded for something better. Just like a well-used Tickle-Me-Elmo, Ana will have had the stuffing knocked out of her and will have become so submissive that her voice box no longer works. Plus, I get the feeling that there would be ANOTHER contract if Christian had any desire to make Ana his girlfriend. Maybe that little delight will be saved for the second book.

Having had her 1 independent thought for the day, Ana gets out of bed and heads into the kitchen where she meets another woman, who is seemingly employed as Christian's nanny.


*CUE AWKWARD SITUATION*

As is now customary, Ana immediately feels inferior to the woman who is not only significantly older, but also employed to make food for Christian then wipe his botty when it comes out of the other end. Ana treats the woman, Mrs Jones, as if she's royalty, asking her 'How do you do?' She then does a curtsey and sings God Save The Queen for no obvious reason before scuttling off to find Christian. 

Christian is on the phone in his study, pretending to be hard at work. As we've previously discovered, Christian is a sex trafficker so to keep up the pretense that he is a credible businessman, he starts reeling off a list of names. In the space of about 1 paragraph he mentions Ros, Marco, Barney, Andrea, Bill, Claude and Sam. We've never heard of any of these people before, and I'm pretty sure that we'll never hear of them again, so please don't get too attached to Claude The Imaginary Businessman. Incidentally, Claude The Imaginary Businessman is the most realistic, well drawn out character we've met so far.


Towards the end of the call, Christian is asked about attending an event next Saturday. He asks Ana when she'll be back from Georgia then verifies her attendance. Ana doesn't get a say in this, it is just assumed that she's not busy next Saturday. It's a bit unfair of Christian to confirm Ana as his date without asking her if she's got plans. For all he knows, she might be doing something. Actually...this is Ana we're talking about. Of course she doesn't have plans, unless they involve getting molested by José or watching Kate change in and out of various outfits through the glory hole she's drilled into the wall.

Deciding that he's kept up the business charade for long enough, Christian asks Ana whether she wants a shower or to be fucked over the desk. She chooses the desk and in a moment of unexpected spontaneity, Christian 'clears all the plans and papers off his desk so that they scatter on the floor...' He does WHAT?? This basically proves my point about Christian running an imaginary business. What sort of businessman would throw ALL of their work onto the floor for about 6 seconds of monotonous pumping and thrusting? A fake businessman...that's who.

Prepared as ever, and acting like the world's most horny magician, Christian plucks a condom from behind Ana's ear, before putting it on and making his cock completely disappear. Ana is momentarily amazed, before managing to work out how the illusion has worked. For his next trick, he manages to give Ana a spectacular orgasm whilst simultaneously attempting to saw her in half with his cock. Before he can complete his trick, he jizzes everywhere, sinking 'gracefully' onto Ana. Gracefully?? Christian is NOT a feather or a bubble. Still inside her, and embarrassed for once again ejaculating prematurely, Christian decides that he needs to find something to get angry about in order to mask his inadequacies. He manages to effortlessly kill the mood, asking Ana if she absolutely, positively has to go to Georgia. She tells him that she does, at which point Christian gets unnecessarily stroppy, deflecting the attention from his flaccid penis which is apologetically dribbling onto the floor.

Trying to lighten the mood, Ana asks Christian if he's ever fantasised about having sex on his desk. Her question is met with absolute silence. AWWWKKKKKWWWAAARRDDDD... Ana sees this as a challenge and goes around Castle Greyskull, trying to find somewhere that Christian has not had sex. She fails. It turns out that Christian has used every nook, cranny and orifice of his house for sex. Part of her is sad that they won't get to try anywhere new, but she's also impressed how anyone can have sex inside a bin or perched on top of a painting.

Heading back to have a shower, Ana is told that Mrs Jones has washed and laundered her clothes. Quite when and how this happened is as much of a mystery to Ana as it is to me. Christian's home help will end up knowing more about Ana's measurements and clothing choices than Ana herself does.

Following a shower, Ana pops back into the kitchen where Mrs Jones is hanging around inside the pantry. Christian isn't immediately visible, so when asked if she'd like some food, Ana declines the offer. Big mistake.

Christian has been there for the whole time, camouflaging himself against the wall like a particularly drab Chameleon. The second that Ana turns down some food, he bursts into view, ordering pancakes, bacon and eggs with so much fervour that his words blend into one, sounding like 'PANCAKEBACONEGG.' Mrs Jones isn't bothered by his sudden appearance or rapid speech so this seemingly peculiar situation is clearly something she's used to. As she's so blasé about it, I get the impression that before each mealtime, Christian likes to merge into the background, before jumping out at Mrs Jones. What an insufferable tit.

Sitting down to eat, conversation turns to Ana's trip home. She tells Christian that she's going to '...buy it when I get home - over the Internet.' She says this as if she's Tim Berners-Lee, and that using lastminute.com will change the course of human history. Ana...Christian may be influential. He may have bought you a car, a laptop, a phone and some books, but he DID NOT invent the Internet for you. It was around before you and it will be thankfully be around after you are dead.

Christian offers to fly her using one of his jets, but she declines. Despite not wanting her to drive in a car which he hasn't personally selected, it's fine for Ana to fly in a random plane which has not been vetted by him. He has probably already thought about buying her a jet but the only place big enough to store it is her own vagina which is now cavernous after receiving Christian's gigantic length so frequently. The only problem is that when Christian is inhabiting her, where will the plane go? I bet all you women have issues like this.

The next day, Ana is sitting in the lobby of a publishing house, waiting to be interviewed. Once again, she's wearing Kate's clothes. Without Kate, she'd have to turn up to important events wearing the Emperor's New Clothes. Rather than focusing on her important interview, she spends all of her time thinking about Christian. Literally everything she sees has some connection to him. When she first gets there, she sits on a couch and thinks about the fact that Christian has a couch. This interview is going to go terribly.

The only thing that snaps her out of her Christian Grey-dreams is the African American receptionist. Every so often, the woman smiles at Ana who 'tentatively' smiles back. Ana is clearly unsure of anyone from a minority group. Apart from a black dreadlocked man from Chapter 1 who she didn't interact with, her only dealing with someone from a minority group has been with José. I get the feeling that Ana thinks everyone who is not white and middle class is a potential criminal. To be fair, she is correct as the receptionist is slyly popping Post-It Notes into her handbag.

Eventually, she's taken into the interview room where a man (Jack) and a woman (Elizabeth) welcome her. The man then cocks his head. Uh-oh!! It seems that Ana has a Pavlovian response to cocked heads as they instantly make her think of Christian. I don't quite understand why. It's not as if Christian is the only man to slightly move his head to one side. From that point onwards, she stumbles her way through the interview, her stupid mind refusing to think of anything apart from Christian. By the time the interview ends, she may as well have turned up, shouted 'I! FUCKING! LOVE! CHRISTIAN! GREY!' then run out of the room. However, as we've actually been introduced to both Jack and Elizabeth, I get the feeling that she's going to get the job.

Back at the apartment, Kate and Ana have a sexually charged conversation, with both women commenting on how great the other looks. I'm waiting and hoping that there will be a chapter where they start scissoring the shit out of each other. EL James, if you're reading this, can you please let me know if there is a scissoring chapter? If not, can you please write one for me? I know that you've catered for your female fans, but what about your male fan?

The women chat about feeling for a little bit, at which point I decided to shut down for a little bit. As soon as women start talking about feelings and trying to second guess guys, you know that some utter bullshit will be said. In the conversation between Ana and Kate, this includes the phrase 'That'll be the sexing.' Sexing?? If you have ever said the word 'sexing,' congratulations, you are a twat. As the conversation is not about her, Kate soon gets bored and abruptly leaves, forgetting to close the door on the way out.

All alone, Ana heads upstairs to act like a total girl. She decides that while she's in Georgia she'll think about EVERY conversation she's had with Christian to see if he likes her, or if he thinks she's a bit of a dick. They very fact that she's considering thinking about EVERY conversation shows her inexperience. Ana is the sort of girl who will spend hours trying to decipher the difference between a winky face and a smily face in a text. This sort of behaviour is MUCH more productive than actually talking and communicating.

With nothing better to do, Ana e-mails Christian. It takes him 14 minutes to reply, during which time Ana sits perfectly still, wondering why he's taking so long to get back to her. When his reply comes, it's clearly sarcastic, telling her 'You are the most fascinating woman I know.' Sensing that Christian is in a good mood, she asks him about Mrs Jones, wondering whether she used to be a Sub. 


Before sending the message, she reassures herself that she'll soon be miles away from him. It's good to see that Ana is confident enough in their relationship that she feels happy to ask Christian anything without fear of being hunted down and raped/murdered/sarcastically complimented.


The reply is almost instantaneous, with Christian confirming that he's not had sex with anyone he employs but he would break his rules for Ana. His list of self-imposed rules are completely pointless and really only serve as a way of 'proving' to women how much he cares about them.


The following day, Ana arrives at the airport. You'll never guess what has happened? Actually...you probably can. Christian has worked his magic and has upgraded Ana to 1st Class. WHY WON'T HE JUST FUCK OFF??

So, in the next chapter, Ana is going to be in Georgia. How long before Christian turns up? You know it's going to happen. I know it's going to happen. Does this mean I can skip the next chapter??

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Comments

  1. If you aren't going to read the rest of the books, at least read the extra chapter at the end of the last book: Fifty Shades Of Christian. It's the first two chapters of the first book, but told from Christian's perspective. If you think you hate him now, you'll be totally repulsed by him when you're presented with his thoughts.

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  2. Oh man! I love this! You're hysterical. And I like the the section with Christian's point of view even better then from Ana's point of view.

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  3. I can't believe so many people read this book, it's glorified rape/abusive controlling relationship, I can only hope women don't come to expect this kind of treatment :S

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    1. Agreed! It worries me that some women are looking for their 'Christian Grey.' Whatever happened to having a bit of self-respect?? Surely the best relationships are based on communication, compromise and FUN, not misery and control!

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