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50 Shades of Grey Chapter 20 - 50 Shades of Simon Says

Chapter 20 In Brief

Man tells woman a secret.

Chapter 20 - My View

So I've decided that it's about time that the blog has it's own Twitter account, so it has got one I should probably have thought of this sooner, but when I first started, I had no idea what a blog was, let alone how popular it would become. Thanks to you all for reading it and sticking with me through these testing times!

I did want to have @50shadesofdave as my Twitter name, but it's already been taken by some dickhead who is using it to Tweet things like:

'Absence makes the heart grow founder, it also makes me want the taste of my girlfriend in my mouth greater!'

What does that even mean? He's Tweeted 5 times, all on July 6th and each Tweet is fairly preposterous. People like this shouldn't really be allowed access to the Internet.

As I'm not allowed the username I want, I've gone for @50ShadesDave Give the link a click and follow me! There will be much more 50 Shades-related content as I'm starting to feel bad for whoring myself out through my regular account. By all means follow my personal account (@dvdjmskng) but the new account will be much more blog-specific and will include brief thoughts as I'm reading chapters, details of when new posts will be up and general 50 Shades thoughts. I'd love for you guys to get involved!

When we last left Ana and Christian, he was carrying her over his shoulder like a robber carries a bag of swag. Similar to every criminal, Christian is only concerned about the booty and wants to punch Ana's ass until it looks like someone has gone to town on it with a meat tenderizer. They enter the boathouse and he stops to turn the lights on and have a bit of a tidy up. There is mess all over the place which seriously vexes Christian. Needing to buy some time, he performs a Stone Cold Stunner on Ana, knocking her unconscious for a while. He then gets out a feather duster, pops on an apron and starts to dust the cobwebby boathouse, commenting on how frightfully dilapidated it has become since he last raped a girl in there.

After the boathouse is looking spick and span, he wakes Ana up and takes her further into the boathouse. As they proceed, Ana proves that she's worked in a hardware store by needlessly commenting on the different types of lighting used. She spots both fluorescent and halogen bulbs as Christian marches up the stairs with her over his shoulders. I once worked in a restaurant but that doesn't mean that I go round, making observations whenever I see someone eating. Looking up, Ana describes Christian as a 'predator,' referring to the fact that he can disappear and reappear in rooms or at bars whenever he wants and that he once had a massive fight in a jungle with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Not wanting to be hit, she appeals to Christian's sensitive side, 'bravely' reaching out to touch his face. This is a bad move. As we know, Christian does not like to be touched and an involuntary reflex sees him lash out, sending her crashing through the wall of the boathouse, leaving an Ana shaped hole. Reentering the boathouse, she finds out that Christian is cross because she said no to him at the dinner table. Although Ana didn't say 'no' with her mouth, she said it with her legs, snapping them shut as Christian tried to diddle her under the table. You may recall that there were 5 other people at the table. Christian now has the hump because Ana wouldn't let him use her vagina as a Chinese Finger Trap in front of his parents. She's such a prude.

He then proceeds to list the other reasons that he's mad at her. It soon becomes a depressing list of gripes, complaints and misery, as if Christian is writing the worst Christmas list EVER. He wants Ana to stay with him. He wants Ana to stay away from José. He wants Ana to give him a free pass to her vagina. Somewhere in the North Pole, Santa is shaking his head and adding Christian's name to the naughty list.

Eventually, he runs out of reasons to hate Ana and decides to teach her a lesson with some 5-second sex. Surely if he was actually going to teach her a lesson, he'd ensure that he lasted for about 5 hours, leaving Ana looking utterly bored and her vagina utterly dry as he continuously and monotonously pounded away at her. As she's guaranteed to have an orgasm, 5 seconds worth of sex isn't really a punishment. 

Before he obliterates her, there is the standard few minutes of aggressive foreplay. Christian turns himself into an alluring octopus, managing to finger Ana, take his clothes off and push her onto the bed at the same time. Before they go any further, Christian starts a game without telling Ana. 'Hands on your head' he commands. He then slaps Ana in the face with his willy because he didn't say 'Simon Says hands on your head.' Oh, he's so playful. Out of nowhere he pulls a foil packet. He is like a sexy Cub Scout. Always prepared. Baden-Powell would be so proud of Christian, he'd make him an instant Sixer. As we already know, Christian is also excellent at pitching a tent (albeit in his pants) so he's clearly spent some time in the Cubs.

Before he slams into her, he orders Ana not to cum. With one thrust he's inside her. With a second thrust, he's jizzed himself. Surprisingly, Ana does not cum, partly due to the fact that she was ordered not to...and partly due to the fact that Christian once again could not control himself. Around women, he's basically like a little kid who's had too much sugar. He gets all excited for about 2 seconds, then crashes.

After a thoroughly unsatisfying dicking, Christian gives Ana her underwear back (I am NOT using the word panties) at which point Mia calls up, trying to find out why there was 2 seconds of commotion coming from the boathouse followed by a man going 'GGGHHURRRHHHGGGHHHH.' He tells Mia that he was just showing Ana his Rowing trophies. I knew that Christian loves an argument...but I had no idea that he was a champion at it.

Back at the house, they say their goodbyes to Carrick (pfft) and Grace Sillyname before heading out to the car WHERE TAYLOR HAS BEEN WAITING THE ENTIRE TIME THEY WERE IN THE HOUSE. Poor Taylor! He literally has the worst job in the world. Christian is probably considering grafting Taylor into the car so that he can never leave. I think that if I was Taylor, I would have told Christian to go fuck himself by now...but knowing that he'd only get 2 seconds of action, I may reconsider that threat. It's fair to assume that Taylor has been working for Christian for some time, but he's still treated like a dog. Christian probably doesn't even leave the window cracked for him while he's off, fucking girls in various locations. At least let Taylor out for a wee every now and again. At least put a bowl of water and a bowl of Pedigree Chum on the floor for Taylor. Poor bastard.

In the car, Ana confronts Christian about the reasons that he invited her to dinner. Knowing that Taylor probably has canine hearing, she keeps her voice down as much as possible. Despite his petulant attitude at dinner, Christian reassures Ana that he invited her because he wanted her there. He then asks if he can go to Georgia with her. Ana says lots of words, but to summarise, her answer is 'FUCK NO.' They then attempt to have something resembling a normal conversation where Ana tells him that she's having second thoughts and isn't sure whether she wants to sign the contract. It's now Chapter 20 and she still hasn't signed the fucking thing. When pressed for more information, she shuts down and is only able to communicate through shrugs and other nonchalant gestures. In her head, she wants to tell him that she wants to be loved and feel loved but she's unable to put this into a coherent sentence. Instead, she once against commits the terrible sin of comparing Christian to Batman. It turns out that Christian is the hero that Ana deserves, but not the one she needs right now.

Unable to communicate through words, Ana decides to show Christian what he means to her through actions rather than words. She undoes her seatbelt and climbs into his lap. Christian is surprisingly calm at this blatant disregard of health and safety procedures but he asks her to put her seatbelt back on and conduct a full risk assessment, complete with graphs and figures, to show that she won't end up in a worse state than Princess Diana. After he's satisfied with her workings, Christian reluctantly allows Ana back onto his lap, putting his arms around her diagonally, acting as a human seatbelt. Breathing deeply, she smells the body wash on him. I'd like to know what body wash Christian uses. The one I use makes me smell nice for an hour or 2, at which point I go back to smelling like a regular man. I guess that if I had a billion dollars, I could get some everlasting body wash, made by Willy Wonka's B.O fixated brother. As she's sitting on him, he asks her to stay the night. She agrees, then out of nowhere also agrees to sign the contract. Rather than immediately pulling out a copy, Christian tells her to go to Georgia, think about it and then sign when she gets back. He probably does this because he's going to ensure that she says yes. If he doesn't turn up in Georgia, I will be very disappointed and it'll cause me to rethink everything I know about the book.

Back at Castle Greyskull, Ana wants to head to bed, telling Christian in unnecessarily flowery language that she's 'been prevailed upon in ways I never thought possible...' Prevailed upon? You're 22, not 102. Christian tells her that if he wants to prevail upon her, then that is exactly what he'll do. I get the feeling that Christian doesn't understand the word 'prevailed' and thinks that it's a euphemism for 'spunked.'

Getting into the bedroom, he tells her 'Hands in the air.' Forgetting that they are still playing Simon Says, Ana gets a swift punch on the tit, which she deserved. They then play a game of 'Rock, Paper, Scissors' to see whether they are going to make love or fuck. Ana wins the game and decides that she'd prefer to make love AND wants to touch him. These suggestions send Christian spiralling out of control to the point that he doesn't want to have sex! I find that highly unlikely. That's like a junkie deciding that he'd rather have a nice cup of tea and a sit down rather than some heroin.

Ana heads into the bathroom, leaving Christian alone so that he can pout about how unfair everything is. For some reason, Christian does not have a spare toothbrush and Taylor has not been sent out on a midnight mission to buy one. As she needs to have clean teeth, Ana uses Christian's toothbrush and starts thrusting it in and out of her mouth. Wondering why she's making a noise like a maniac, Christian enters the bathroom to find Ana spreading GIRL GERMS all over his toothbrush. He immediately snatches it out of her mouth, runs out of the house, builds a massive bonfire and incinerates the toothbrush as if it had Foot & Mouth Disease. He then sprints back inside, puts on a knuckle-duster and punches all of Ana's teeth out of her head, splintering them all over the floor. 

Bandaged up, Ana pops back into the bedroom where he reminds her that he is 'Fifty shades.' It's pretty clear that this is just an arbitrary phrase and doesn't mean a single thing to anyone. However, Ana doesn't think to ask 'So....what does 50 shades mean?' and just accepts it. He might as well have said that he's 14 levels of orange, 75 hats of brown or 1 sad orphan with serious mental problems that he takes out on women. In fact...that last one makes more sense and would have been a MUCH better name for the book. EL James, please recall EVERY copy immediately.

Desperate to please him after the toothbrush debacle, Ana decides to play with Christian, getting him to ask if he can spank her. Her motivations are unclear because she just wants to have a sleep, but by now I've learnt that nobody in the book has a clearly defined personality, so we should just deal with it and accept that Ana is going to be getting involved with something that she's unsure about. Making up the rules as she goes along, Ana tells him that after sex, she wants to know more about his time growing up. Excited by this development, Christian pops out of the room, only to return with 2 small metallic balls which are linked by some string. Ana assumes that they are going to do some circus role play so gets out her unicycle and fire poi. Christian stands there, unimpressed with the act. He then pushes her off the unicycle and stuffs the balls right up her vagina as if she's a Christmas Turkey. Ana doesn't even get the chance to ask how many other vaginas the balls have been up. We can assume that it's a lot. They've probably also been up Christian's bottom on more than one occasion. Pooey balls are not sexy.

Balls inside her, Christian gets her to go and get him some water. Walking around, Ana clanks as if she's wearing a suit of armor, getting increasingly turned on by the heavy balls, leaving her feeling as if she needs to have a poo out of her vagina. Walking back to the bedroom, Christian has a foil packet of football stickers all ready. He eagerly tears it open to reveal a load of swapsies. Angered by this, he puts Ana over his knee and spanks her, forcing the balls deeper inside until she's practically choking on them. With a swift movement, he pulls the metal balls out and pops his entire penis and balls into her, starting to purposefully slap into her. In no time at all, they make simultaneous 'O' faces and Christian runs off to the bathroom to hi-five himself in the mirror for lasting more than 5 seconds. 

Returning to the room, he keeps his end of the bargain, telling Ana that his birth mother was a crack whore who is now dead. I don't know what we're supposed to do with that information, or if we're supposed to care, but it's about as close to a chapter ending cliffhanger as we've got so far. 

As always, follow me on Twitter @50ShadesDave (all 50 Shades, all of the time) or @dvdjmskng (mostly silly thoughts and pictures)

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  1. I'll be honest, I thought your last few posts weren't up to the standard of the eralier ones (the demands and stress of fame, possibly?), but this one is fantastic. Top notch writing, well done.

    I am starting to see though that although there isn't really a story at all in the book, whatever story there is, is not going to come to a satisfying end in the next six chapters. If you don't cover the other books, how on earth am I going to know how this (sort of) story ends? Don't make me go out and buy the other books to find out how shit they are and what bollocks these two idiots get up to. I'm am now selfishly ordering you to postpone your novel read the other two books. How dare you think you can have a life of your own? You're ours now.

    Wow... I sound a bit like Christian. Suddenly the book makes sense!

    1. Haha! Best. Comment. Ever.

      You're absolutely right...the last few posts were pretty rotten. I'm amazed you can see my mental state when reading the posts. My heart really wasn't in it for the last few chapters. Now I'm past chapter 20, the end is officially in sight!

      I was finding it tough because nothing ever happens! It's just a series of loosely connected situations which are only there to get Ana + Christian into a slightly different location for sex.

      At the moment, the first book is sapping all of the life out of me. I will definitely need a break after this book...but if there is enough demand, I might consider the 2nd book (until it becomes too awful.)

  2. I do agree!! The last two were a bit shoddy and I scanned them looking for funny bits,like a bloke scans fifty shades looking for mentions of knobs and knockers, I have started reading the books as I was judging them on your views and was keen to know what they're about unfortunately I was far to influenced and started reading them with a hatred for all the characters...especially Kate!! I'm now half way through book two (although it's a bit slow and'd love it!!!!)
    Any way whilst reading chapter 10 book 2 I haven't been able to shake the image of Ana as Lisa I need help???


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