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50 Shades of Grey Chapter 13 - 50 Shades of Sex Food

Chapter 13 In Brief 

Man and woman have a meal.


Chapter 13 - My View 

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Before  I start frightening my keyboard with my angry fingers, I just wanted to welcome all of the people who have recently discovered the blog. I know that quite a few of you will have found your way here from Latersbaby.net, so thanks to Crissy for linking to my blog. If you are a 50 Shades fan, it'd be interesting to hear what you think of the blog. Feel free to defend the book if you think it's about more than stalking, rape and anorexia. Let's get a bit of conversation going....so long as it doesn't end up in 'IF U LIK 50SHADEZZ U IS HAVIN SEXXX WIV A BOOK LOL.' I hope that you are more literate than the way that I have just portrayed you. If you're not...you should have paid more attention in school, so you only have yourself to blame.

In fact, if you didn't pay attention in school, I might have something that will interest you. I've been asking for your drawings based on 50 Shades. If you'd like to send me a picture of anything 50 Shades related, feel free to e-mail it to me - dvdjmskng@gmail.com All submissions will feature on the blog and you can use whatever medium you like, whether it's in crayon, felt-tip or misusing Draw Something to create a picture of Christian jizzing into Ana's mouth. I will ask that you refrain from using your own shit to draw a picture. I know what you 50 Shades fans are like.

On with the recap...

Following Christian's CAPITALISED E-MAIL TO SHOW THAT HE IS REALLY MAD, I was struck with the thought that it was a very un-Christian way to show his displeasure. I was expecting him to smash through Ana's window on a zip-line connected to his helicopter, just so that he could wag his finger at her, before disappearing into the night. You know you've pissed off a billionaire when he can't be fucked to spend an extortionate amount of money in order to teach you a lesson.

The next day, Ana receives a call from her Mum. Like all women in the book, Ana's Mum is weak and 'whines' down the phone at Ana because she won't be able to make it to her graduation. Apparently Bob, who I think is her 35th husband, has torn a ligament and needs to be taken care of. Quite why Ana's Mum needs to take care of him is anyone's guess. At least Ana now knows where she stands with her Mum. A man taking some paracetamol for a slightly sore leg is more important than congratulating her for 3 years of hard work at University. If you looked into it, you could probably make a case for the fact that Ana's Mum is seemingly controlled by her new husband. I am not going to build that argument because I have more flippant comments to make.

After the phonecall, Ana switches on her magical messaging mystery machine to find an e-mail from Christian and an e-mail telling her that she's won the Nigerian Lottery. After sending her card details to the people from the Nigerian Lottery (how else is she going to get her winnings?) she turns her attention to the e-mail from Christian, but probably wishes that she hadn't. In it, he defines the word 'submissive.' He doesn't do this by explaining what he is looking for from her. Oh no. Instead he copies and pastes the definition from an online dictionary because he is a massive bellend. 

Massive (adjective)
Exceptionally large. 

Bellend (noun)
1.The bulbous tip of the penis.
2. A stupid or contemptible person.

Haha! Take THAT Christian Grey. Ana has a similar idea, but rather than resorting to babyish swearing, she defines the word 'compromise' for him, bringing in some unnecessary details about multi-story houses for reasons that aren't immediately apparent. I did think that Christian and Ana would flirt outrageously via e-mail, or that Christian would coerce Ana into using a webcam to send grainy pictures of her bum. Instead, they are using the power of their Macs to define words. As far as I know, there is nothing sexy about defining words. Unless that word is 'rimming.' Just so you know, it took about a page to define the two words. I've basically just read the shittiest dictionary that has ever been printed.

Sadly for us all, the e-mail exchange continues. Ana tries desperately to convince Christian that she's not entirely useless and asks if she can drive to the hotel to meet him. At first he resists but finally relents, allowing Ana the privilege of driving her own car. Interestingly, the reason she wanted to drive herself is because 'I may need to make a quick getaway.' Fucking hell Ana, you're not robbing a bank, you're just meeting a creepy, egotistical, domineering, sinister rapist stalker to thrash out the finer points of your sex contract. Get over yourself, it's not like anything weird is going to happen.

The next day something brilliant happen. Ana goes to work and PAUL IS THERE!! If you don't remember Paul, he showed up back in Chapter 3 where Ana was an unwilling participant in his rape fantasy, parting on the line 'one of these days, you'll say yes.' In order to get a 'yes' Paul decides that the best plan of attack (not literally) is to follow Ana around the store shouting 'WILLYOUGOOUTWITHME? WILLYOUGOOUTWITHME? WILLYOUGOOUTWITHME? WILLYOUGOOUTWITHME? WILLYOUGOOUTWITHME? WILLYOUGOOUTWITHME? WILLYOUGOOUTWITHME?' To Paul, 999 'no's' and 1 'yes' still means yes. Surprisingly, his battering ram method of asking women out on a date does not work. Not even on someone as weak-willed as Ana. Getting bored of his persistence, his increasingly threatening tone and the fact that he's started saying 'YOUWILLGOOUTWITHME,' Ana tells him that she's got a date with Christian Grey. This revelation has the same effect on Paul as looking as Medusa does to everyone else. He is 'struck dumb.' From what I know, Paul is still standing in Clayton's which is probably a good thing as it rids the world of 1 more dangerous predator.

Speaking of dangerous predators, Christian Grey is expecting a showdown with Ana. As her wardrobe consists of nothing but Global Hypercolour t-shirts, combat trousers and necklaces from Claire's Accessories, she sensibly asks Kate for some of her clothes.

TIME TO GET READY FOR THE TRANSFORMATION SCENE FROM SHE'S ALL THAT!!

CUE 'KISS ME' BY SIXPENCE NONE THE RICHER!!

BRACE YOURSELF...ANA IS GOING TO LOOK AWESOME!!

Oh...that was underwhelming. Ana just shaves her minge, has a poo and puts on Kate's clothes. She basically looks exactly the same but with slightly less dowdy clothes. Strangely, despite the fact that all we've heard about Kate is 'Oh, she's so skinny,' Ana fits into her clothes perfectly. Girls are ridiculous. It only takes Ana about an hour to get ready. An HOUR?? By the standards of most women that is rapid. She doesn't mess about with putting on false eyelashes, fake tan or sticking tiny crystals on her vagina like she's got a case of  Pubic Disco Lice, so she's ready to leave bang on time...even if she does look a bit like someone who's going to an interview for a job in admin.

Arriving at the hotel on time, Ana meets Christian in the bar. They make small talk about wine. Ana tells him all about a time she had some Lambrini and Christian starts saying the names of bottles of wine out loud to try to sound knowledgeable, but only succeeds in making himself sound like a bit of a knob. After exhausting their wine chat, they move on to a more interesting topic. Not punching Ana up the bum...but the weather. At times this book is like eavesdropping on 2 old ladies riding on a bus. They both agree on the concept of weather before turning their attention to food.

Now, I am pretty sure that Ana is not a Muslim. I might be wrong, but she appears to be observing Ramadan. Christian asks her if she's eaten anything today. She tells him that she hasn't. Not a thing. If there are any young girls reading this, make sure you follow Ana's example. Not eating and drinking wine is a healthy way to live and guys love women who look like Skeletor on the Atkins Diet.

A generic waiter leads Christian and Ana through to their own private dining room. When they have sat down, Christian has a go at Ana for biting her lip. I've worked out that this book can be condensed into a series of incidents where a woman bits her lip then a man forces himself on her. This scenario can be repeated anywhere...a lift...a bed...a bath...a different bed...I could go on, but I'm not going to because that's pretty much all of the places they've had sex so far. I get the feeling that this list will become more ludicrous as time passes. By the 3rd book Christian will probably be getting his willy out on the moon while he guffaws at how small the spaceship is compared to his GIGANTIC SPACE ERECTION.

Christian tells Ana that he's already ordered food. Ana is thrilled about this, because she won't have to make any decisions about what she's not going to eat. Christian pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket which contains Ana's e-mail about the contract. He starts going through the points one by one. I'm not going to go through them all because otherwise you'd have to put up with me talking about things like this: 

'Clause 2. Agreed. This is for the benefit of us both. I shall redraft.' 

Do I remember what clause 2 was? Of course not! Am I going to go back to find out what clause 2 is? Don't be stupid, of course I'm not. If you want to know, YOU fucking well buy and read the book.

One of Ana's concerns was that Christian may have suspicious sexual health. It's probably a bit late to bring it up, seeing as she's already been given a good cocking and she's put his entire penis in her mouth...but whatever. He just tells her what she wants to hear, making sure she knows that he has the little umbrella popped down his willy every 6 months and that he DEFINITELY doesn't have AIDS.

When I read this chapter, I scribbled down some notes as I always do. I predicted that the menu would be made up of oysters, asparagus with a side order of sex.

 

The starter shows up. It's oysters. Of course it's oysters. Textbook sex food. They're an aphrodisiac. They look a bit like cum. They probably taste a bit like cum, but I can't confirm this because I've never had any. Oysters...not cum.

While they're downing oysters, Christian moves on to the part of the contract that talks about how often they see each other. In her e-mail, Ana fought to see him 3 times a month for 1 month. Through some tough negotiations, she manages to see him 3 weekends and 1 midweek day for 3 months. Thank goodness Ana isn't a hostage negotiator. Everyone would be dead within about 0.3 seconds. Although Ana shows a bit of grit in her e-mails, she falls apart and starts sliming herself as soon as Christian so much as acknowledges her existence.

The main course comes out. It's a bit of fish......AND FUCKINGASPARAGUS!!Of course it's asparagus. I don't know why asparagus is sex food. Is it because it makes you do a smelly wee? Probably not...smelly wee isn't particularly sexy. Is it because it looks a bit phallic? Probably not...and because Christian's penis is massive and he would be dismayed if Ana decided that she preferred tiny little reed-shaped willies.

Conversation turns to food and Christian demands that Ana eats 3 square meals a day. Out of everything in the contract, this seems to be the most reasonable part. He's just ensuring that she eats a healthy, balanced diet so that she doesn't contract rickets while he's slamming his balls into her. They then have a bit of a chat about why she's not allowed to look at him or touch him. Making something up on the spot, Christian tells her that it's something to keep boundaries during the Dom/Sub relationship. Basically, it's just more utter bullshit made up to keep Ana intrigued in this sham of a relationship.

They decide not to talk about the hard and soft limits over dinner because chatting about genital clamps will put you right off your cod. Christian notes that Ana hasn't eaten very much (for a change) and then tells her EXACTLY what she's eaten: 

'Three oysters, four bites of cod, and one asparagus stalk, no potatoes, no nuts, no olives, and you've not eaten all day.' 

It's fair enough that he should want to keep her healthy, but it's another thing turning into Gillian McKeith. If there is a chapter where Christian checks out the viscosity of Ana's poo to discover what she's eaten, I am ending this blog.

Onto dessert. This happens: 

'You could be dessert,' he murmurs suggestively.' 

HAHA!! IN YOUR FACE EVERYONE WHO'S READING THIS!! I'm claiming a hat-trick of correct guesses. I probably shouldn't be too proud, it's not as if the book is particularly subtle.

Finding out about Christian's dessert plans, Ana starts opening and closing her legs under the table. I imagine that she's already so wet, the slapping of her thighs are sending out a Morse Code distress signal. She also sits there, 'panting already.' Honestly...what does Christian see in her? If you took a lady to dinner and subtly hinted at sex, would you be turned on if she had her tongue wagging around and her labia slapping around like a seal clapping? Ana really is a wretched person.

However...she decides to play him at his own game and doesn't give in to sex like she has done in every other chapter. She seductively picks up a bit of cold, flaccid asparagus and starts giving it a blow job. If that doesn't sound very erotic...it's because it isn't. Despite the fact that Ana is fellating her food, the generic waiter comes and removes her plate. Probably a good thing. If she'd have been left with the food for any longer, she would have only tried to fashion the cod into a dildo.

Christian is bemused by this behaviour and tells Ana that he thought she'd be the perfect sub. This shows his motives...he's not really looking for anything apart from a woman who is malleable. He's made sure that Ana has not had the option to say 'no' by turning up at every given opportunity, whether she's wanted him to or not.

Ana decides against being Christian's dessert and chooses to leave the restaurant after eating very little. Christian will be pleased that he doesn't have to fork out for some chocolate covered strawberries or a pint of Sex on the Beach to further illustrate his intentions. As he is a gentleman, he escorts Ana to the lobby where she picks up her car from the valet. Christian is appalled that she's not driving K.I.T.T.and gives Ana debrief about the dangers of driving a potentially unsafe vehicle, complete with Powerpoint Presentation. I would be willing to wager a large sum of money that Ana is going to receive a brand new car relatively soon. Anyone want to take me up on a bet? If you've read the book and you know the outcome, you're not allowed to play.

Ana drives off, not knowing if she will see Christian again. She wonders why he can't be like a normal man who likes bowling or getting an Orange Wendesday ticket to watch a film that you're not that bothered about, but it's 'buy one get one free' so you haven't spent loads if it is rubbish.

At home, she gets an e-mail from Christian, wondering why she left so suddenly. Ana has a bit of a cry, but rather than deciding to give Paul a chance before he leaves her with no chance, she wonders if her and Christian can ever have a normal relationship.

As always, thanks for reading! I'm away for a few days this week, but I will hope to have the next chapter up on Thursday.

Along with 50 Shades, I've been reading a few other books recently. If you're looking for something else, I'd recommend:

A Monster Calls - Patrick Ness - Essentially a book for young adults but PLEASE read this if you haven't already. It is beautiful, uplifting and heartbreaking. Once you've finished it, you will want everyone you know to read it too.

Nothing to Envy - Barbara Demick - An account of life in North Korea as told by people who live there. Utterly astonishing.

The Tiny Wife - Andrew Kaufman - It's only about 80 pages, but filled with warmth and heart.

If you're not already, please follow me on Twitter. Now that the Olympics is over I will resort back to Tweeting pictures of funny things that I've seen - @dvdjmskng

If you have a picture to send me, or you just want to get in touch, e-mail me - dvdjmskng@gmail.com

Feel free to leave a comment below. I'd love to hear what you think about the blog.

Until next time....

Comments

  1. Love this blog and have recommended it to all my friends. 'Pubic disco lice' is my new favourite expression (way better than vagazzle). Please keep the entries coming!

    I'll add 'A Monster Calls' to my Kindle wish list on the strength of the 'Chaos Walking' trilogy; have you read those too? Also agree re: 'Nothing to Envy'; wasn't sure what to expect when I picked it up but it's completely engrossing.

    Looking forward to Thursday already...

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    Replies
    1. I've not read anything else by Patrick Ness but based on 'A Monster Calls' I will definitely be checking out more of his work. If you don't end up sobbing at the end of 'A Monster Calls,' you have no heart ;-)

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  2. I am so glad you are back!
    Feeling so much better after my fix of your blog, you are a genius.

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    Replies
    1. Haha...thank you! I must be the first genius to use the term 'pubic disco lice!' As far as I know, Stephen Hawking has never used that phrase...

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  3. How weird, i've just started reading 'Nothing to Envy' then you suggest it

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    Replies
    1. How are you getting on with 'Nothing To Envy?' I found it pretty tough going to start with, but completely fell in love with it even though the people in the book live in horrific circumstances.

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  4. have read all 3 and LOVE your blog - makes me look at it in a different way lol.
    the help and the hunger games trilogy are also very good.

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    Replies
    1. I've seen the movie of 'The Help' and loved it. My wife is from Mississippi and she really enjoyed both the book and the movie. Not read the Hunger Games yet. Don't know if it's the sort of thing that I'd enjoy...but I've not seen the movie + would be willing to give it a go.

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  5. I am glad that she fellated the asparagus quite frankly because if she had done that to either the saucy cod or the oyster then she should have been sitting there with Kate. I would read your recommendations but I only read crap. I have a phd in crap actually. In fact if you want to read banal (that is putting the b into anal) then you should read theses. Biggest load of self indulgent naval gazing Pubic Disco Lice ridden crap that you can get.

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  6. Incidentally the asparagus thing is, in fact, supposed to be because old-timey priests thought it looked enough like a dick to tell old-timey Catholics they weren't allowed to eat it because it might make them think lewd thoughts about skinny green boners or something.

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  7. for a book that spends ridiculous amount of time on svelte figure of anastasia and christian, they do drink an awful amount of wine drinking and no eating to fish eating sometimes and still maintain abs. laters baby blog just dissed me when i pointed it out, at least you get it

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